"What do you do when a child hits someone?"
This is a question that we discuss a lot at preschool, especially at the beginning of the year when everyone is still learning their way. "I thought you didn't allow hitting at school!" "Shouldn't you DO something about it?"
We definitely do not allow
hitting (or pushing, grabbing, or biting) at preschool. And most parents don’t
allow it at home. But yes, hitting does happen. Sometimes it can be confusing to reconcile these two
statements when parents are first learning to grasp the basic concepts of
positive discipline. But the reality is that most children experiment with
aggressive behaviors at times, even in the context of a very positive and well-supervised
environment. It’s a natural and normal part of social and emotional
development. It is expected. But it’s not condoned, it’s not
“allowed.”
So how should we handle
hitting when it does happen? We know that punishment, such as punitive
time-outs do not help children learn self-regulation and pro-social behavior
that will guide them throughout their lives. Our goal is for long-term
learning, not a quick-fix.
It’s usually best to ignore
certain negative behaviors, such as whining. This is often the most effective positive discipline
technique in many situations. But
we should not ignore aggression or conflict. When hitting happens, teachers and
parents need to work with everyone involved to make sure that it’s a learning
experience. Once things have calmed down and everyone is safe and feeling
better, we then can look for a “teachable moment” and figure out how to make the best use of this opportunity for learning.
Every situation is different,
and all children have different needs and are at a different level or readiness
to learn. But some examples of
appropriate responses to hitting might be:
-Discuss the situation with
the child who did the hitting, and make sure she knows she is cared for and
will always be listened to. Children who feel that they do not have a voice
often resort to hitting.
-See if the child is ready to
learn better ways to express his feelings, and then help him practice. “When
you’re using a toy and someone wants it, what can you do or say instead of
hitting? Let’s practice saying
‘I’m using that toy!’”
-
-Encourage the child to find
a way to make amends to the child they hit. It makes no sense to try to force a
child to say “I’m sorry,” so I definitely do not recommend this. But often, a
child really is sorry, and would like help telling and showing their friend
their remorse.
-Remain calm and
nonjudgemental. Quite often, I’ve
noticed that a hitting incident shocked and surprised the child who hit just as
much as the child who was hit.
When adults overreact, it makes it hard for children to be calm enough to be
ready to learn anything from the situation.
-Encourage the child who was
hit to speak up and say, “No! I don’t like that.” We want to make sure that every situation that happens
between children is a positive learning experience for EVERYONE.
-Examine the environment and
see if there is anything that we can change to make hitting less likely in the
future. Need more toys? Or fewer
toys? More space? More time for
quiet play or more outdoor time? There are lots and lots of reasons why adults unknowingly
create environments for children that make it very hard for kids to remain
calm. Putting ourselves in the sneakers of the kids for a minute and asking
ourselves how we would feel in this situation, classroom, or environment if we
were 2, or 5, or 8, can help us identify things that we can easily change to
help children be more successful in their social interactions.
-Think about the age and developmental stage of the children. A two year old thinks and learns very differently from an eight year old. Different ages and stages require different approaches.
Parents and teachers who are
committed to positive discipline want to make sure that everything that happens
is a valuable learning experience.
We know that no one learns anything important “once and for all.” Real
learning takes time and often requires repeated experience and practice. Role
modeling, direct instruction, trial and error, and many other methods can support the process of learning. Children learn by doing. They don’t learn just from being told what to do. This is true for learning the alphabet,
learning to tie your shoe, or learning to play with friends without
hitting.
The most important thing is
that adults respect the process of social learning that children are going
through every time they play together.
It’s our job to help make sure that any situation of conflict is a
positive learning experience for everyone.
And no, that does NOT mean
that we “don’t do anything” about hitting, or that we “allow” it. It just means that we think deeply
about our goals and intentions and about the needs of the children, and try our
best to respond appropriately.
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