SCREEN-FREE WEEK 2012: APRIL 30-MAY 6

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Screen-Free Week:  What a concept!  When my kids were little, I sort of knew that tv-watching wasn’t the best way for my children to spend their time.  But what I didn’t understand is that kids who watch less tv (or better yet, no tv) become better and better at the thing they need most:  play.

Twenty years ago, while agreeing in principle with the idea of spending a screen-free week with my preschoolers, I’m sure I would have been slightly horrified at the thought of a week without even a minute to myself. Like many other parents, I used the tv as a babysitter.  A couple of kids’ shows every day gave me time to catch up on something, take a shower, or just hear myself think. I didn’t realize then that an hour of tv every day was making my kids more needy and demanding. I was a tired, struggling mom with busy, active kids, like most preschool moms I know.  And still,  I’m challenging YOU to try committing to Screen-Free Week.

One nugget of wisdom I’ve acquired: tv and other screen-related activities reduce children’s ability to think and create.  This results in kids who are more whiny, more bored, and more unhappy than nature intended.  A child who isn’t used to being entertained doesn’t miss it, because they are expert at entertaining themselves.  A child who has a steady diet of tv, movies, and video games has less faith in their own imagination, and find it more difficult to play. Honestly: if I had it to do over again, I’d get rid of the tv when my kids were young.

Diane Levin is an expert on the effect that media has on children, and has authored several well-known books about it, including "So Sexy So Soon" and "Remote Control Childhood." Here is what she has to say about Screen-Free Week:

Screen-Free Week is a fun and innovative way to improve children's well-being by reducing dependence on entertainment screen media, including television, video games, computers, and hand-held devices.  It's a time for children to unplug and play outside, read, daydream, create, explore, and spend more time with family and friends.  And, of course, Screen-Free Week isn't just about snubbing screens for seven days; it's a springboard for important lifestyle changes that will improve well-being and quality of life all year round. 

I would encourage parents to give their kids a break from electronic media, even if the first few days may be a bit frustrating.  Kids often fuss at first about the things that are best for them.  But parents who are willing to persist through the whining will eventually be rewarded with the joy of watching their kids play, create, converse, learn, and explore. Even movies, video games, and tv shows that are supposedly designed for children offer very few opportunities for any of these high-quality, brain-enriching experiences.  Screen-time is always inferior to real life, in terms of satisfying learning experiences.

SCREEN-FREE IDEAS

Here are just a few little ideas to get you started. You and your kids already have a million ideas for fun things to do, so please share some of these ideas with everyone by making comments below.

-Tents and Forts  Indoors and out, made with blankets, cardboard boxes, or whatever is handy)

-Flashlights:  Get a cheap one and a few extra batteries, and see what your child comes up with! 

-Clipboards:  give your child a clipboard and a pen, and ask him to walk around taking notes.  You’ll be surprised:  even toddlers often love “note-taking.”  There’s something magical about a clipboard.

-Paint with water.  Give your kids paintbrushes and buckets of water, and send them outside.  Inside, give them paintbrushes and buckets of PRETEND water.

-Obstacle courses:  you create one for your kids, then they’ll spend the rest of the day creating them for you. 

-Snails, Worms, and Other Wildlife:  collect, care for, observe, discuss, and eventually release. I’ve never met a child who didn’t love small squirmy creatures.  Kids will spend HOURS on this.

-Nature art:  collect flowers, leaves, etc. and glue onto paper or cardboard. Or use nature-stuff as paintbrushes.

-Playdoh or Fingerpaint: make your own.  It’s very easy, and the making is as much fun as the finished product.

-Tape.  Give your child a roll of dollar-store tape.  Just don’t fall asleep…….

-Make books or journals. They can be as simple as stapling papers together.  Children love to dictate or write stories and illustrate them. Even toddlers love drawing in their journals.

-Write a note to someone, then walk to the post office to mail it.  Or sit outside waiting for the mailman to come so you can hand it to him.

-Sidewalk chalk:  draw shapes, pictures, scribbles, people, floorplans, games.  Try it wet or dry.  Try it on decks, porches, or other surfaces that can be easily hosed off.

-Play School:  the child is the teacher, and you can be the kid!

-Invent games, such as new forms of TAG

-Soccer-ball challenges:  how far can you kick it or throw it?

-Hanging from bars:  how long can you hang? 

-Learn dance steps, or make up new ones

-Karaoke:  use a fake microphone, and decorate the “stage” with sparkly decorations and hand-made stars

-Reading, reading, reading. Kids who are used to a lot of tv and video games find it harder to concentrate on books.  But once they get out of the media-habit, all young children love to be read to.

-Make blocks out of boxes and cartons.

And then of course, there are always the old tried-and true standards:

-Cloud-watching

-Tree-climbing

-Park Days with friends

-Water Play. Keep it simple:  provide a small tub of water in the backyard with a collection of containers for pouring, or offer long leisurely bath times with sponges, cups, and boats..  Almost any preschooler would gladly trade tv for water play if they were given the choice.

-Mud Pies or Sand Cooking

-“The Hose”   If you’re in my class at preschool, you know how awesome this tool can be! Turn it on a tiny trickle, let your child water plants or build a river.

-Collecting:  rocks, leaves, shells, sticks, etc.

-Ancient History.  Stories about what you liked to play when you were their age.

-Make costumes out of newpaper and tape

-Water the garden.  Give your child a tiny cup, and tell him the plants are thirsty. 

The most important thing is that all these activities are fun. But they’re also good learning opportunities for a wide range of ages. Many of them can be a springboard for even better child-created activities.  Some of these ideas need adults to help, at least at first, but others are kid-driven, and adults only need to check in occasionally. None of it is “rocket science.” 

So why is it that we sit our kids down in front of a screen as often as we do, when there is a whole world full of kid-friendly adventures waiting for us? 

Give it a try, and add your ideas to the list! 

Happy Screen-Free Week!

http://www.commercialfreechildhood.org/

TRUE CONFESSIONS

I’ll be honest:   I don’t like finding out that I’ve been wrong about something. I don’t like to admit this, but I feel a little squirmy and uncomfortable when I’m confronted with the vastness of all the things I don’t know.  Like anyone else, I do try to avoid discomfort whenever possible, which is why at home I often escape into the simplicity of dog-walks, novel-reading, and old-movie-watching. It’s just easier to not think too hard.  But thank goodness, my curiosity and desire to learn new things overrides those unfortunate insecurities most of the time. Being a teacher of young children and their parents (and sometimes of other teachers)  is such an important responsibility that I know I have to look my insecurities square in the eye sometimes and push myself to deeper levels of understanding. If you’re a teacher, you have to keep learning.

While attending the Co-op Preschool Convention last weekend, I felt the familiar exhilaration of learning many new and useful ideas or understanding old ideas in a deeper way.   But at the same time I felt the equally familiar discomfort of wondering if maybe I have been off-base for a long time on certain long-help beliefs. Fortunately, I’m finally old enough to understand that this is what learning is all about:  being confronted with incongruencies in your thinking, and forcing yourself to examine alternative ideas.

Throughout the weekend at the convention, I  also had many confidence-building moments as I heard speakers presenting some of my most basic and long-held ideas as if they were brand new.  It’s always great to have the validity of your teaching practices re-affirmed by “experts.”

Here are a few of the things I learned or re-learned this weekend at this excellent conference.  I’ll share some of the challenging ideas that made me wonder about my own wisdom or lack thereof, as well as some of the stuff I heard that made me feel like a “great teacher.”

I’ll start off with the “easy stuff.” From a workshop on outdoor play and learning:

-Outdoor learning is better.

This is an easy concept for me to accept, and I always try to set up my curriculum to reflect this basic premise.  There are more sensory experiences outside, and children thrive on having a connection with nature.  Children’s brains develop through body movement, which outdoor play encourages.

-The Why-Not Rule. 

I know that children are driven to learn through exploration and play.  So when a child wants to do something that you may not have had on your “lesson plan,” ask yourself, “ Why not?”  If it doesn’t harm themselves or others, or mess up the environment or someone’s stuff, it’s probably ok even if it wasn’t what you had in mind.  These kid-generated activities (such as painting the grass as well as the paper on the easel, or pouring sand into the water table) are often where the best learning begins. Of course, limits related to how much time it might take to clean up, or other adult concerns are perfectly valid at times.  Real-life dictates that sometimes we simply don’t have the time, energy, or patience to allow kids to make a big mess, even if it’s a “productive” mess. And honestly, kids do learn about “being civilized” when we put the brakes on their big ideas of painting on the walls, dumping every toy out of every shelf, etc.  But if you don’t have the Why-Not Rule in the back of your mind, you’re very likely to reflexively say no to some valuable play and learning that are really not much trouble at all.   I’ve been a Why-Not Teacher for a long time, but now I have some new vocabulary to explain it.

-Anything that can be done inside can be done outside.  Again, this is already part of my teacher-belief system and practices.  I try to set up a variety of learning activities outside every day, in addition to the basic daily sand-and-water play. But hearing this again made me challenge myself to think of more things we could do outside, with just a little extra set-up:  such as an outdoor reading area, maybe even more outdoor art or sensory activities, or possibly outdoor block play.

-Water, water, water. 

As the presenter showed photos of infants and toddlers in various outdoor play scenarios, many of the activities looked very familiar, because they are things we already do in my classes.  I was gratified to hear the presenter talking about how important it is to let children work and play with the hose while a trickle of water runs into the sand.  When she mentioned the idea of allowing the water-source to trickle down from above, I remembered how much fun my toddlers have when I climb up and attach the hose into the tree branches above the sandbox, and let the water trickle, drip, or spray. The presenter confirmed my solid belief that the vast learning that springs from endless forms of water play is well worth the trouble. Darn- I sure wish some of the parents I’ve had in my classes who are allergic to messes could have heard this expert talk about this! I try my best, but sometimes it’s hard to convince parents that although their children are very sweet, they won’t melt like sugar if they get a little wet.

-Stuff I hadn’t thought of, or had forgotten. 

By the end of this workshop, I had jotted down a long list of things I wanted to try at school in the near future.  This list included things such as  wrapping a large tree in big paper, and having kids painting it all the way around (I did that first thing Monday morning!),  an awesome paint-ball-throwing activity which I’d never heard of, bringing in more largish rocks and stones that can be moved around to enhance play and construction in my sand area, and helping children build things with long branches from tree-trimming (Dang- I wish I had thought of saving the trimmings a few months ago when our playground trees were trimmed!)

-The Outdoor Classroom.

 Using the outdoors as a major part of your classroom is very basic to my teaching, and to the philosophy behind Explorer’s curriculum.  For more information about why this is important to us, check out the information at this site:  

http://www.ceconline.org/outdoor_classroom_project/index.aspx

From the two major keynote speakers, I learned or re-learned lots of important concepts related to brain development, emotional development, and how the two are linked.  Some of these ideas were a bit challenging to me, as I’ll explain:

-Surviving Tantrums. 

Dr. Tina Bryson discussed how most tantrums are the result of emotional overload.  When children’s emotional needs build up, the logical reasoning part of the brain becomes overwhelmed by the more basic, emotional brain regions.  The amygdala, responsible for basic emotions, takes over.  Children cannot be reasoned with in the middle of a big blow-up, but they do need comfort.  Adults can help by staying nearby to give the nonverbal message that the child, along with the child’s big feelings, are loved and accepted.  As soon as the tantrum begins to wane, the child is usually ready to be hugged and comforted. This reassurance and support helps create an atmosphere in which the child will gradually feel less of a need for big explosive tantrums.  Over the years, my own approach to dealing with tantrums has changed and evolved.  I agree with Dr. Bryson’s ideas about this, but I haven’t always thought about it this way.  At a previous point in my understanding, I’m sure that I advised parents to ignore tantrums, or to let the child cry in their own room.  I remember doing this with my own kids, too.  Sorry, girls.  I now see how this is much less on-target in terms of how the brain works and how children develop.  So yes, I have to admit that hearing Dr. Bryson discuss this was a squirmingly uncomfortable moment for me.  However, I still hold to one aspect of my old, less-evolved point of view:  sometimes parents CAN’T stay physically or emotionally present.  Real life has taught me that there are moments when even the best parents can be pushed to a breaking point. If a parent can’t handle one more moment of the screaming without becoming a tantruming toddler themselves (don’t tell me you’ve never felt this way!) then I think it’s best to remove yourself from the tantrum if you can.  When it comes to parenting advice, there’s always the “best case” scenario and the “worst case” scenario. Sometimes we simply can’t do what the experts advise us to do, so we have to muddle through the best we can. Certainly:  it makes perfect sense to make every effort to be the strong, dependable adult who can stay nearby, giving an upset child the important message that their feelings are accepted, and they are loved no matter what. But when you can’t, don’t immerse yourself in guilt.  Apologize and try again next time.  Parenting gives us LOTS of chances to try again.

Most other aspects of Dr. Bryson’s talk were pretty much in line with what I teach to parents and students, which of course feels great.  (Honestly, no one likes a smug preschool teacher!  But I can’t help feeling good about being right sometimes.) However, it’s true confession time once again:  I’ll admit that I was jealous of Dr. Bryson’s ability to explain things in ways that are MUCH better than the tongue-tied ways I often talk or write about these same topics.  I just wish I were as articulate and smart as she is!  I think I’ll buy her book and see if I can steal some of her ideas, and incorporate more of them into my teaching.

For more excellent information about the brain and emotional development in childhood, look at Dr. Bryson’s website or buy her book, The Whole Brain Child.

http://tinabryson.com/

-Connect Before You Direct. 

Dr. Larry Cohen was a fabulous keynote speaker.  He has some excellent ideas and a wonderful way of explaining them.  I completely agree with his idea that guidance and discipline has to be based on a strong and loving relationship between the adult and the child.  I also agree that at most of the moments in life when it’s necessary for some reason to “direct” or “correct” a child, it’s best to take a few seconds to connect emotionally with them first.  This makes everything work better for everyone concerned, and helps the child to be more ready to learn.

-Beyond “Use Your Words”.

One of my “discomfort” moments came when Dr. Cohen discussed the old preschool-teacher phrase, “Use Your Words.” “C’mon, give me a break!” he said.  “If they COULD have used words, they WOULD have.  And if they didn’t, then simply telling them to do it isn’t going to help.”  I’m sure that I’ve used that term more times than I would want to admit, although I like to think that I understand the need for a wide range of teaching strategies when it comes to helping children learn socially appropriate behavior.

-Not Puppies Or Pigeons.

Fortunately, Dr. Cohen confirmed my belief in my own wisdom when he said that adults can’t stand the idea of doing anything that looks like it’s rewarding bad behavior, so we often refrain from giving children the attention they need when they need it the most.  “Kids aren’t trained pigeons,” he said . I think I have used the word “puppies” in this context, but he and I are definitely on the same page when it comes to the idea that human development is MUCH more complex than cause/effect, or reward/punishment. When training puppies or pigeons, you do have to think at a somewhat simplistic level to understand the motivations of the animal. But with children, individuals vary so widely from one another, and we have to take into account so many other things such as temperament, ages and stages, prior experiences, and family culture, that simplistic thinking doesn’t get us very far. Dr. Cohen clarified this further by saying that giving the right kind of attention to an upset child isn’t rewarding bad behavior, it’s solving the problem at its source. I think this is brilliant, and will be quoting it often in conversations with parents from now on.

-“Parents don’t have to be on the same page, but they need to be in the same book.”  Well said, Dr. Cohen!  Since I heard him say this last weekend, I’ve already stolen this astute phrase as a way of talking about the differences of opinion or style that exist within families. I’ve always knows that no two adults can be in complete agreement about everything, and moms and dads need to be reassured that this is ok.  But experience has taught me that there are a few areas that require some sort of consensus in order for co-parenting to be successful.  Dr. Cohen’s simple sentence has given me a way to think about and talk about this important topic with parents.

Dr. Cohen has a lot more great ideas to share and some books that I’ll probably want to read.  Here’s his website:

http://www.playfulparenting.com/

Ok—that’s all the True Confessions for now.  Now you know that “insecurity” and “need to be right” are two of my most basic character flaws…… and if you know me at all, you’re probably aware of a few more. I came home with many pages of notes from the conference last week, and I appreciate the opportunity to share just a few of my insights with you.

Learning is awesome, whether it’s easy or uncomfortable.  Writing this has reminded me that some of the most important learning happens when we challenge our own thinking and step out of our cozy cocoon of familiar knowledge.

TEACHING TRUST

She jumps up on my lap, her ears flopping as she lays her head down in the exact spot I wanted to rest my book. She gazes into my eyes with love, and shows complete contentment. She’s stuck like glue. Gazing down at those brown eyes I have completely forgotten the "I-got-into-the-trash" incident and the "I forgot to potty outside" issue. I'm held prisoner by her sense of trust in me.  No wonder I don’t get anything done!  Who wants to get up and do laundry when you have a warm happy, trusting dog-friend on your lap! No wonder so many people love dogs:  they teach us by example the joys of trust. 

I feel certain that trust is the cornerstone of a productive, happy life.  We learn to trust (or not) during the first year of life, and then spend the rest of our lives either reinforcing or reversing that first learning. But in spite of the importance of those early experiences, developing trust is an ongoing process, and continues throughout our entire lives. 

People who are able to trust others can build supportive friendships, take reasonable risks to learn new things, and ask for help when they need it. In general, they are able to weather the storms of life and live their lives with optimism.

It seems to me that when early experiences make it harder for some people to trust others, those people may find life a little harder to navigate.  It can be harder to make and keep friends, and it can even be hard to trust yourself if you’ve developed habits of being distrustful of others.

Here are some things parents can do to help their children develop a healthy sense of trust:

-Be trustworthy.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep.  Tell them when you’re leaving rather than sneaking away, and try hard to be back when you say you will be.

-Teach by example how to trust other people.  Choose carefully the family members, friends, teachers, and others that you feel you can trust, and then demonstrate your trust in ways that your child can see it. You may trust a friend to house-sit for you, and your child can see you handing the key to them and thanking them for their help.  Don’t leave your child with ANYONE that you don’t trust, and when you do leave, tell your child, “I know Teacher Annie (or Grandma or Aunt Sally or Grandpa Joe) will take very good care of you until I get back.”

-Trust yourself.  Kids pick up on it when parents are constantly second-guessing themselves. Work on your own self-confidence, so that you can show your child what a self-confident adult looks like. 

-Trust your child.  When she is struggling to learn something new, you can say, “I know it’s hard right now, but I trust that you can keep trying, and you will be able to figure it out” When your toddler chooses to spend every day at preschool in the sandbox playing with the same truck, remind yourself to trust that the child and his developmental process is choosing the right activities at the right time to support healthy brain growth.

-Don’t place inappropriate trust in your child.  Don’t expect that your five year old will always remember to stay away from the busy street or leave the sharp knives alone.  Instead of putting this responsibility on the child, make sure you always hold his hand in the parking lot, and keep the knives locked up in a safe place. Having realistic expectations for your child helps them learn to trust themselves and gives them a sense of confidence and security.

-When someone betrays your trust, remind yourself that an overwhelming number of people in your life have proven to be worthy of your trust. Avoid over-generalizing, and don’t base your view of the world on a few undependable people.

I think it’s very important to live with a sense of gratitude.  We should let our kids hear us talking every day about the things and people that we’re thankful for. One thing near the top of my Gratitude List is my dogs, because they are my best teachers when it comes to the important life lessons of trust, living in the moment, and expressing gratitude.  When I die, I think it would be great to come back as a dog.  Well, not just any dog.  I would want to be a dog with an owner like me:  a person who always has a lap ready, and who always trusts me to be a Good Dog in spite of all evidence to the contrary!

WHAT CAN I SAY?

This thing called “positive discipline” really does work. Most parents realize that a positive, respectful approach has great long-term benefits for their child because it builds self discipline and self esteem.

But putting positive discipline into practice in-the-moment isn’t easy. Many, many parents tell me they just forget what to say and do when they are tired, frustrated, or busy.  For most of us, it takes deliberate practice.  Having a sort of “script” to think about at first can help.

Certainly, you don’t want to use anyone else’s words all the time, because that won’t be YOU, and the most important thing you can give your children is yourself. But following positive examples is a good way to start.  Perhaps the following examples will give you some ideas and starting points:

  

INSTEAD OF SAYING NO, TRY:

USING POSITIVE LANGUAGE

“You can throw the ball outside.”

BEING A ROLE MODEL

“Here.  I’ll share this toy with you.”

SETTING FIRM BOUNDARIES WHEN NEEDED

“I will not let you hurt other people.”

TEACHING SKILLS

“Try asking your brother for a turn.”

PROVIDING OTHER WAYS OF COPING

“Want to read a book with me while you’re waiting for a turn?”

RESPECTING FEELINGS

“I can tell that you are very upset right now.”

GIVING INFORMATION

“Pets are animals that need a gentle touch.”

STAYING CLOSE WHEN NEEDED

“I will be right here to help you play with your friends.”

GIVING APPROPRIATE CHOICES

“Would you like to brush your teeth before your bath, or after?”

OBSERVING, AND HELPING BEFORE A PROBLEM STARTS

“I’ll help put some toys away so there’s more room to play.”

HELPING CHILDREN LEARN EMPATHY

“I can see that both of you love doing puzzles!”

POINTING OUT THE EMOTIONAL CUES OF OTHERS

“When you look at his face, can you tell what he’s feeling?”

PROVIDING MANY WAYS OF EXPRESSION

“Would you like to draw a picture or build a sand sculpture about how sad you feel?”

PROVIDING VOCABULARY

“It looks like you might be feeling frustrated.”

UNDERSTANDING THAT CHILDREN NEED TO MOVE

“Let’s run to the playground!”

INVOLVING CHILDREN IN IMPORTANT JOBS

“I need some help with these heavy water bottles!”

PROVIDING COMFORT

“You can sit here with me for awhile if you want.”

UNDERSTANDING A CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT

“Mom and I are still eating but you’re finished. Would you like to be excused to play with your toys now?”

BEING POLITE

“Thank you for sharing your snack with me.”

OFFERING SIMPLE SENSORY AND ART EXPERIENCES EVERY DAY

“It looks like working with the clay helped you feel better.”

BEING PATIENT- LEARNING TAKES TIME

“I can tell that you are working hard to wait politely for a turn.”

ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

“How could we make that work?”

LETTING CHILDREN SOLVE PROBLEMS

“What do you think we can do about this?”

HAVING AGE-APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS

“We’ll go shopping another day when you’re not tired.”

HEY READERS:

Add your own examples (and success stories) as comments below!  I’d love to read them, and so would everyone else.  We all learn from each other.

(THIS POST WAS FIRST PUBLISHED IN JANUARY OF 2010.)

PRESCHOOL TO HIGH SCHOOL

Chatting with the terrific moms in my Transitions parenting class has made me think lately about the passage of time.  There’s nothing like seeing my former toddlers entering Kindergarten to remind me about the steady ticking of the clock. 

Hearing about the trials and tribulations of the first few weeks of The Big K from these new Kinder-moms is a great reminder about how foundational human development is.  Everything that we experience today is built on the foundation of all our yesterdays.  And today we’re already working on the foundation for tomorrow!

Working on a lecture for my college level child development course,  I found a research-based list of typical thinking patterns that have been proven to be common to teenagers who get into trouble.  When I look at that list, it seems obvious that the first ingredient for a happy and healthy teenager is a happy, healthy preschooler. 

Even though some of our recent preschool graduates are going through some adjustments right now as they get used to Kindergarten, I know that eventually they will be just fine.  The positive, affirming experiences of preschool provide a solid foundation for just the kinds of challenges those new Kindergarteners are facing today as they’re getting used to the demands of big-kid-school.  I hope their parents will have faith in that sturdy developmental infrastructure through the inevitable challenges their children will face in the next few years.   But it’s probably even more important to understand that in 8, 10, or 12 years, these children will still be building on all of that early learning.  

Here’s an item from that Aggressive Adolescents list:

-Aggressive adolescents tend to have a narrow view of ways to solve problems. 

According to this research, when teens don’t know how to solve problems, they resort to aggression. Even the smallest conflict can quickly escalate to violence, simply because the kids lack the skills needed to handle things peacefully.   

What is the first thing we start learning on Day One in Teacher Annie’s toddler classes?  Problem solving, of course.  “I see you both want the same truck.  What can you do about that? I can help you find another one, or ask your friend for a turn.”  “Oops, the water spilled. How can we clean it up?” Incidentally, today actually was Day One, and yes, that’s exactly what we talked about over and over and over.  And I LOVE it!  Sometime I should try to count exactly how many opportunities for problem-solving lessons naturally arise in the course of a typical morning in my two year old class. I’m sure that each child must encounter dozens of them in our two hours of living, working, and playing together. 

Problem solving is the cornerstone of early childhood curriculum, and any preschool teacher who’s worth their “big salary” understands that. Thankfully do not outgrow those lessons they way they outgrow shoes, and the most important lessons don’t get lost in the “inner space” of teenage brains.  They’re in there.  They have become  part of the hard-wiring, the structure of the brain.  Good parents and good teachers can work together to make sure that important lessons from early childhood are reinforced all along the way.

Another example from that rather alarming Aggressive Adolescents list:

Teens who engage in aggressive behaviors show little capacity for empathy, or seeing things from another person’s point of view.

Again, what better place to begin learning empathy than preschool?  Today in my 2’s class, I observed many, many examples of  our “Empathy 101” curriculum in action.  For example, I saw dozens of signs of real learning and growth in the few minutes I was helping my little newbies meet Freckles The School Bunny for the first time, “What did Freckles tell you when you poked him just now?  See how he moved away from you?  What do you think he wants you to know?”quickly led to “I see Freckles has moved close to you now. And I see that you’re petting him gently.  How do you think Freckles feels now?”  It’s one life lesson after another,  all day every day in preschool.  These lessons are always individualized so they can exactly meet the current developmental path of each child. This way, the learning sinks in deeply and permanently. It becomes a part of them.

Take a look at these other items from The List, and then think about what your child learns in preschool every day:

Aggressive and at-risk adolescents:

-have little or no attachment or sense of belonging

-are unable to think in advance about consequences of their behavior

-do not engage in critical thinking skills, often leading to aggression based on illogical or incomplete information

 It's not hard to see how appropriate preschool experiences can prevent a lifetime of problems.

So don’t waste too much time fretting about the future.  Try to enjoy every minute with your little ones.  Realize that the time, thought, and effort that you and your preschool teachers are investing now will serve your children well for the rest of their lives.

It’s true:  

A happy childhood can last a lifetime!

THE GENIUS OF TODDLERS

Meeting some of my new 2 year olds today at school today reminded me all over again about one of the reasons why I absolutely love toddlers and two's: their brains are growing at an incredible rate.  One aspect of brain development involves forming an intricate network of neural connections in response to experiences. This is the toddler's specialty!  All the action is triggered by sensory information.  Each one of a toddler's five senses is on high alert every minute. Each day is a heroic quest to accumulate sensory experiences which will lead to an ever-increasing understanding of the world. 

More neural connections are being formed in the brain when you are one and two years old than at any other time in your life.  Think about it:  a large part of your own brain architecture was created when you were so young that you probably don't even consciously remember your experiences.  I think this is why my two's take their work and their play so seriously:  they're in the process of designing a brain structure that will be allow for a lifetime of learning. And to think that all of this learning and growth is initiated through the five senses!  Fascinating! 

Some of the toddler sensory exploration I observed today at preschool:

(Note:  fake initials)

-L. was pushing the doll stroller around the room and creating challenges for himself along the way.  At one point he tried to push the stroller up over the threshold to go outside, and worked very hard to learn just how much he had to lift the wheels to get it over the bump. L. was combining information from his eyes, his hands, his feet, and his ears, and using that information to solve a self-chosen problem.  Fabulous expression of triumph on that little face when he succeeded!

-Z. is very familiar with the preschool environment. When he walked into the beloved  preschool play-yard he was apparently disconcerted to find that some water-pipe construction had torn up a part of the garden.  Upon seeing the pile of dirt and the caution tape, he evidently  compared that with the prior visual information about preschool that  he already had "on file" in his brain, and wasn't thrilled with the discrepancy.  His mom told me when he saw the mess, his comment was, "Ya gotta be kidding me!" Ha!  This cracks me up, because although I've known Z. for about a year, so far, I've never heard him say more than 2 or 3 words at a time!  The impact of this visual image prompted his brain to use very elaborate language to express himself.

-P. was fascinated with the pretend-kitchen, and in particular, the pretend-microwave.  He spent a lot of time putting toy food into the microwave, shutting the door, and pushing the pretend buttons. While engaging in this activity, he was extremely focused and calm.  When other children (probably equally enthralled with the prospect of microwaving stuff like mom and dad) came near, he became unhappy and a look of distress could be seen on his face. Clearly,  he was worried because he felt a very strong need to continue this activity until he felt "done" (meaning:  he had maximized his learning from the activity,)  and the approach of other children threatened his ability to complete his self-appointed learning task. Multiply this example times a thousand, and you can get an idea of what life is like every day in a toddler classroom! Most of the inevitable toddler conflicts (I call them social learning opportunities) arise from the urgent internal drive to complete a sensory learning task. 

-R. and her big brother went into the bathroom to wash their hands. I encouraged the brother to climb up on the step stool and wash his hands with her, because I knew that big brothers are intensely observed by little sisters, and are often the most important role models of all. R. observed, wide-eyed, as brother soaped, scrubbed and rinsed his hands, then followed his lead, exactly imitating the actions she had just watched him doing.  Big smile!  Then walking away, she made a great effort to mimic his big-boy swagger, as well! 

-Today the pretend-kitchen was, as always, a popular and busy part of our classroom. F. was busy with the dishes, and I suddenly saw an "I've got an idea!" look on his face. Then he started supplying sound-effects as he poured and sipped imaginary tea.  This was quite interesting to other children and several joined him in his noisy tea party.   Many senses combined to make this a fascinating moment for F. and a few friends. Lots of learning about friendship, pretend-play, cause/effect, and much more!

-B. said the white crayon was "broken, " because she couldn't see the marks it made as she scribbled on the white paper.  I gave her a piece of black paper to experiment with and she tested the white crayon on the black paper,  and then tried several other colors, comparing the results.  I observed an "Aha!" expression on her face as she figured out this interesting problem. Priceless!

All this and much, much more happened today at our Meet The Teacher Day classroom visits. You can almost hear the crackling and popping as the synapses formed! And this is just our first day.  Wait 'til these kiddos see what I have planned for their growing brains next week!  

GASPING FOR AIR

 “Be sure to secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others.”  You hear it every time you fly, right? And it makes sense:  if you didn’t put on your oxygen mask, you would be useless to help anyone around you in an airplane emergency. But even worse, you could be a burden, a hindrance.  Your unconscious, inert body could actually block the way and keep other people from getting out of the plane safely. So if those masks ever drop from the ceiling, it’s a no-brainer to most of us that we should put our own mask on first,  then help our kids or other people with theirs. But….. I’m sure I’m not the first person to see the obvious analogy.  I’m sure you have, too, right?  Let me explain. 

Right now I’m sitting in my mom’s hospital room, trying to provide help, care, and loving company to her while she struggles with several different ailments. And it occurs to me that this oxygen-mask advice makes sense emotionally, as well. I’m finally learning that when I don’t take care of myself, I can have a negative impact on those around me. In all kinds of relationships, it’s a good idea to “secure your own emotional oxygen”  in order to be available to nurture those who depend on you. When we always put other people’s needs first while consistently ignoring our own,  we are asking for trouble. No one can be ok all the time, but I’m beginning to understand that I do have a responsibility to try to increase my ok-ness whenever I can. 

It seems to me that parents of young kids are at great risk for doing this. Of course it's true that parenting involves sacrifice.  Lots of it.  It’s just the way it is, and people who aren’t willing to accept this often make lousy parents. When you have kids, especially when they’re very young, it’s a given that your needs and wants will go on the back burner, at least for a number of years. Kids are totally worth it, but there’s no denying that they take priority over everything else. However,  it’s important to figure out which of your own needs are so basic to you that they could be classified as “emotional oxygen,” and then work to make sure you take care of those needs.  Otherwise, both you and your kids will suffer.

 Looking back, I realize that I most certainly didn’t quite get this twenty years ago when I was in the middle of raising little kids. I can see now that some of my difficulties and bad parenting moments were the result of being deprived of the emotional oxygen that I needed in order to function at my best.

In my case, one of the most basic things that I needed when my kids were little was alone-time.  Having  a little time on a regular basis to zone out or actually complete a thought for a change would have made a big difference, but I didn’t get it very often. I had been raised by a very selfless, devoted mom who never put herself first. I'm so lucky to have such a loving mother who poured her heart into her kids.  However, having this role model made it almost impossible to see self-care as an option when my kids were really little. When Emily and Audra were toddlers, I often found myself melting down unexpectedly and being emotionally volatile, which I don’t tend to be by nature. In retrospect, I understand why. My head was spinning with kid-stuff all the time, with no time to think.  I still remember how it felt, and I can still conjure up the crazy feelings and headaches that were my almost-constant reality during that time. Being deprived of solitude may not be a problem for some people, but for me it was a nightmare.  Marlin was already working extremely hard to support us, as well as pitching in a lot when he was at home.  It seemed that he was already as maxed out as I was so I didn’t feel I had a right to complain or ask for even more help. We were on a fairly tight budget, having just moved to California from the much-more-affordable Midwest, and we couldn’t afford luxuries like babysitting very often.

It wasn’t until the kids were a little older that I realized how much it would have helped to have a bit of me-time to look forward to on a regular basis. There would have been fewer mommy-meltdowns and I could have made better parenting decisions. I still remember how awful I felt each time I raised my voice at my kids, and I still remember how they often asked me if I as happy, anxiously scanning my facial expression for signs of stress.  Poor little things:  they really did absorb my stress and exhaustion.  If I had realized that my unmet need for a little bit of down-time was impacting people other than just myself, I probably would have found ways to take care of myself a little better. For example,  I could have tried a little harder to work out reasonable kid-trading and babysitting arrangements with other moms on a regular basis. I did some of that but it was sporadic because I didn’t realize the importance of it, and it took effort to plan. With just a little more up-front effort, I could have built in a little more sanity-time, and prevented passing on my stress to my little girls. 

While struggling with my mom’s health problems lately I’ve had to remind myself frequently of these important lessons. Caring for an ill and aging parent isn’t all that different from parenting young children.  In both contexts, It’s hard not to give in to the strong urge to forget about myself while focusing on the immediate and urgent needs of others. So I am trying to deliberately remind myself to get out of this hospital room several times a day, get fresh air, take walks, immerse myself in a good book, and take other kinds of breaks when I can. Even writing this blog post has given me a refreshing breath of emotional oxygen during this difficult time. Thankfully,  starting our new year at preschool next week, with the opportunity to meet my new group of toddlers and their parents will definitely be therapeutic for me.

What is your emotional oxygen? The next time you ignore a strong basic need of your own in order meet some “wants” of your kids, think about it. Every day in the life of a family is full of little emergencies  as well as the occasional Major Disaster. But there are always opportunities for self-care if we really look for them.  It’s important to remember that no one will do this for you.  Even the most sensitive and loving partners or friends can’t see what you are feeling and fix it for you:  it’s your job to do that.

My advice:  secure your own emotional oxygen before assisting others.  Otherwise, you will be of no assistance to anyone.

Transition Support Group Starts Next Week!

Teacher Annie’s Transition Support Group

For parents of children in kindergarten and beyond. 

Tuesdays

9:30-11:30

At Explorer, Room 11

15 sessions: August 30-December 6, 2011

$150 per family

Moving into the world of elementary school can be a bit daunting….. for parents. No doubt about it:  the children are always ready for big changes before we are!  

Your children don’t need a support group:  they’ll already be finding that on the playground and at their lunch table! But if you’re looking for help as you navigate these new waters, this group is for you. We’ll talk about issues related to being parents of school-agers, as well as discuss the development of children ages 5-8.

Preschool parents have already learned the value of parent-support, so there’s no reason this has to end now that preschool is just a fond memory! We all still need support, information,  and connection with other parents.

Tell your friends:  anyone is welcome. (Not limited to Explorer families.)

To register, contact Annie Deckert