WHAT CAN I SAY?

This thing called “positive discipline” really does work. Most parents realize that a positive, respectful approach has great long-term benefits for their child because it builds self discipline and self esteem.

But putting positive discipline into practice in-the-moment isn’t easy. Many, many parents tell me they just forget what to say and do when they are tired, frustrated, or busy.  For most of us, it takes deliberate practice.  Having a sort of “script” to think about at first can help.

Certainly, you don’t want to use anyone else’s words all the time, because that won’t be YOU, and the most important thing you can give your children is yourself. But following positive examples is a good way to start.  Perhaps the following examples will give you some ideas and starting points:

  

INSTEAD OF SAYING NO, TRY:

USING POSITIVE LANGUAGE

“You can throw the ball outside.”

BEING A ROLE MODEL

“Here.  I’ll share this toy with you.”

SETTING FIRM BOUNDARIES WHEN NEEDED

“I will not let you hurt other people.”

TEACHING SKILLS

“Try asking your brother for a turn.”

PROVIDING OTHER WAYS OF COPING

“Want to read a book with me while you’re waiting for a turn?”

RESPECTING FEELINGS

“I can tell that you are very upset right now.”

GIVING INFORMATION

“Pets are animals that need a gentle touch.”

STAYING CLOSE WHEN NEEDED

“I will be right here to help you play with your friends.”

GIVING APPROPRIATE CHOICES

“Would you like to brush your teeth before your bath, or after?”

OBSERVING, AND HELPING BEFORE A PROBLEM STARTS

“I’ll help put some toys away so there’s more room to play.”

HELPING CHILDREN LEARN EMPATHY

“I can see that both of you love doing puzzles!”

POINTING OUT THE EMOTIONAL CUES OF OTHERS

“When you look at his face, can you tell what he’s feeling?”

PROVIDING MANY WAYS OF EXPRESSION

“Would you like to draw a picture or build a sand sculpture about how sad you feel?”

PROVIDING VOCABULARY

“It looks like you might be feeling frustrated.”

UNDERSTANDING THAT CHILDREN NEED TO MOVE

“Let’s run to the playground!”

INVOLVING CHILDREN IN IMPORTANT JOBS

“I need some help with these heavy water bottles!”

PROVIDING COMFORT

“You can sit here with me for awhile if you want.”

UNDERSTANDING A CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT

“Mom and I are still eating but you’re finished. Would you like to be excused to play with your toys now?”

BEING POLITE

“Thank you for sharing your snack with me.”

OFFERING SIMPLE SENSORY AND ART EXPERIENCES EVERY DAY

“It looks like working with the clay helped you feel better.”

BEING PATIENT- LEARNING TAKES TIME

“I can tell that you are working hard to wait politely for a turn.”

ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

“How could we make that work?”

LETTING CHILDREN SOLVE PROBLEMS

“What do you think we can do about this?”

HAVING AGE-APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS

“We’ll go shopping another day when you’re not tired.”

HEY READERS:

Add your own examples (and success stories) as comments below!  I’d love to read them, and so would everyone else.  We all learn from each other.

(THIS POST WAS FIRST PUBLISHED IN JANUARY OF 2010.)

WHO'S THE BOSS?

Don’t let their tiny size, cherubic faces, and sweet voices fool you:   toddlers really like to be in charge.  This is as it should be:  they are in the middle of working on developing their sense of self, their personal identity, and their understanding of themselves as a separate person from mom or dad. But admit it:  the bossiness can be pretty annoying to even the most patient parent.

It’s hard to understand the best response when a toddler wants to control you.   Good parents try to be good listeners, and they want to empower their children.  We also like to make our children happy as much as possible.  And honestly, the extreme bossiness kind of sneaks up on you.  It starts when your child is an adorable baby, just learning to walk and talk.  No one minds being ordered around by a 12-month old:  he  is just so cute you are completely in his power. But before you know it, that darling baby is a big bossy kid who is capable of throwing the biggest fits you ever saw, if you don’t give them their favorite sippy cup or if you can’t let them play with your keys.

Is there any way to prevent this?  Or to somehow empower your child, while not becoming a slave to her whims? Well, like everything else in parenting, there are no easy answers. 

I just have one tried and tested “rule of thumb” that seems to work fairly well:

When you feel that perhaps you are being manipulated, you probably are.  

When children are in a position to control and manipulate adults, it’s bad for everyone. The adult becomes resentful and grumpy, and suffers from a sense of helplessness. A child who has been granted too much power becomes insecure and fussy, as well as very unlikable. They need to know that WE are in charge, because deep down they know that they are not qualified to run the show. With only a couple of years of life-experience behind them, they simply aren’t ready for world dominion yet.. 

So how can you be an in-charge parent, while still offering your child some appropriate autonomy? 

It helps a lot if you ask yourself, “What can I let my child control?” and “What are some examples of appropriate power for my child right now?”  Some examples might be:

Some examples of appropriate power for a toddler:

-“Do you want to brush your teeth BEFORE your bath, or AFTER?”

-“Which one of these two shirts would you like to wear?”

-“It will be time for a diaper change (or potty break) in a couple of minutes.  Finish a little bit more of your play and then we’ll take care of it. Tell me when you’re ready.”  (And if they don’t take this opportunity to choose their time, YOU go ahead and do it for them.)

Some examples of inappropriate power for this age:

-“Is it ok if Mommy and Daddy go out?”

-“Do you want to go to school?”

-“Ok, I won’t talk if you don’t want me too.”

Or….. think about that too-familiar scenario in which the family is held hostage while a toddler changes her mind six times about which outfit to wear, or which favorite plate to eat dinner from.

There’s a fine line between being a caring, respectful adult and a good listener, and giving away too much adult power. It’s hard to find the right balance.  But parenting is all about balance. Sure, they’ll fuss about it when you first begin to take back some appropriate parental power, but under the surface, they are actually relieved

So here’s your cheat-sheet to use as a reminder:

“If I feel as if I am being manipulated, I probably am.”

“What are some choices that are appropriate for my child at this stage of development?”

“It’s ok if my child is unhappy with me.”

Thinking about these three simple things can really help you focus on your long-range goals as a parent. It’s great to let our little ones gradually become the “boss of themselves” but it’s just not a good idea to let them control the rest of the world.  Not yet.  There is plenty of time for your toddler to hone those “leadership skills,” on her way to becoming a powerful CEO, a senator, or a  terrific parent like you!

IT'S REWARDING

The other day,  I had a fascinating conversation with several Together Time moms about the topic of “praise vs. encouragement.” (This reminded me of a previous blog post:  “Say Anything,” from August 2, 2009.) That conversation left all of us with a lot to think about. Sometimes it seems that it’s very counter-intuitive to avoid being the world’s peppiest cheerleader as a way of motivating our kids.  But according to many experts, and according to my own long experience, the type of feedback that helps kids feel both encouraged and motivated is very different from the “Awesome!” or “Good job!” that rolls so easily off the tongues of many positive parents. 

Why is this so true? One of these terrific moms said that she always gives a lot of excited attention to her toddler’s interest in letters and numbers because she “wants her child to love learning.” But somehow, as we sat there discussing this, we all agreed that it seems that excessive cheerleading usually tends to have the opposite effect. 

One of the moms came back to school the following week with the excellent book, Positive Discipline For Preschoolers by Dr. Jane Nelsen.  She said she had been thinking all week about our discussion and had been reading about this topic in the book.  She reminded me that in this book, Dr. Nelsen describes a good way to determine if your responses to your kids fall into the “encouragement” category, or are actually well-disguised praise, and therefore less helpful. 

Dr. Nelsen says that if you can only use your comment with this child at this time in this situation, then it is specific enough to be considered ENCOURAGEMENT.  If your words are multi-purpose and could be spoken to any child in any situation, then it’s just fluffy, useless praise. Hmm…. so it sounds like one component in high-quality encouragement is specificity, and another important ingredient is authenticity along with your undivided attention.  You can’t give specific feedback when you’re just not paying attention.

I’m as needy as anyone, when it comes to encouragement.  Thinking back over the years, some of the best “compliments” I’ve ever gotten, and the ones that have stuck with me the longest, are extremely specific and unique to my skills and qualities.  For example, a “fan” (whom I happen to be married to) recently told me that he enjoyed reading my blog because the ideas made sense and the writing was clear and fun to read. 


This comment made me jump for joy for many reasons. It made me happy and motivated me to write more because he reflected my own desires for my writing:  I had been trying hard to make my writing clear as a bell,   and to make sure that I only write about concepts that will “make sense” to parents.  The other reason this was an especially yummy compliment is that this guy of mine does not often fall all over himself handing out compliments at all.  Positive feedback from him, I’ve learned after several decades,  is somewhat rare, but completely heartfelt.  If he says it, he means it. How might I feel if he routinely said, “you’re great,” “your’re the best,” or “love the blog?” Those words would have little meaning to me because he could say them at just about any time without telling me the specifics of what he loves about the writing or of why I’m “the best” in his eyes. But since the positive comments he offered were authentic and specific, I could then see myself in a new way:  as a person whose clear writing makes sense! 

Applying these ideas to the accomplishments of toddlers, some examples of meaningful ENCOURAGMENT come to mind. Try putting yourself in the sneakers of a toddler and ask yourself how these statements would make you feel:

“You washed your hands all by yourself!  And you remembered to turn off the faucet. Thanks!”

“You used a lot of different colors in your painting.” 

“I watched you when you were drawing and I saw that you were working very hard.”

“You are learning to write your name.  That must feel really good for you.”

“It looks like you felt your picture needed one last patch of red right there!”

“I can see that you’re ready to get rid of the diapers now and wear underwear all the time!  How does that feel?”

“Last week you couldn’t hop on one foot, but now you can!  You’re learning new things every day.”

“Thank you for feeding the dog. She appreciates the food and she knows you care about her.”

“You are painting with big brush strokes, and your sister is making her picture with dots.  It’s interesting how art is different for everyone.”

“You have a big smile! It looks like you feel very good about learning to hang from the monkey bars by yourself.”

“It’s so helpful when you take your dishes to the kitchen.”

“When your block tower fell down, you just built it right back up again!”

If you compare the effect of these honest statements to the way it feels to hear “Awesome!” many times every day, I think you’ll have to agree that the specific statements offer much more useful information and just plain feel better. We all love knowing that someone is blessing us with their presence and paying close attention to us. High-quality encouragement makes that abundantly clear. 

So….. if you find that this post “makes sense” and that the writing is “clear,” you can thank my biggest fan.  His specific encouragement helps me feel like writing. Having him as my ever-present Tech Support Department helps a lot too.  Thanks, Hon. 

EYE ON THE PRIZE

“Stop whining!”

“No more fighting!”

“Don’t spill your milk!”

Pretty typical parent-ese, right?  But think about it…. When you are saying “Stop whining!” you are putting the emphasis on WHINING.  The main focus in the command, “No more fighting!” is the very child-intriguing concept of “FIGHTING.” And,  what toddler could resist the great idea to “SPILL YOUR MILK,” conveniently forgetting to listen to the “Don’t” that preceded it in the sentence?

In other words, have you noticed that children usually respond to these “don’ts” by doing exactly what you don’t want them to do?  How could they help it when you brought those interesting activities to their attention so effectively?  They might not have even thought of them until you brought them up! Great ideas!

Its not easy to figure out how to avoid these sentences and commands that invite bad behavior.  But I was thinking…..to shoot a free throw, you have to keep your eye on the rim.  To hit a baseball, you keep your eye on the ball. When you shoot a bow and arrow, you keep your eye glued to the target,  and most certainly do NOT let your eye wander to all the places you do not want the arrow to end up. And, to help your child reach a goal of appropriate or helpful behavior, you need to keep your eye on the goal, and stop paying attention to (and  talking about) the old behavior that you’re trying to decrease.

When you focus on the negative, you are assuring that you will only achieve negative results. But when you turn your attention instead to your goal, the entire focus and atmosphere changes to one of productivity, growth, and cooperation. 

“I can understand your words better when you use a quiet, clear voice.”

This simple statement is much more effective at helping a child gradually give up a whining habit, because it gives the child as well as the adult a positive behavior target to shoot for: speaking in a quiet, clear voice.

“Let’s work together to figure out ways you can both get what you need.”

This is a positive way to help children begin to replace nonproductive fighting with useful problem-solving.

Thinking and speaking this way takes practice. Face it, we don’t always live in a positive world. The world around us often operates with the focus on the negative. But over time you can learn to use these skills, and you’ll see a very positive result. 

If improving our golf, tennis, or basketball game is worth our time and attention, certainly we can also devote our energy to learning to focus on positive behavior when we speak with our children!

WHAT CAN I SAY?

This thing called “positive discipline” really does work. Most parents realize that a positive, respectful approach has great long-term benefits for their child because it builds self discipline and self esteem.

But putting positive discipline into practice in-the-moment isn’t easy. Many, many parents tell me they just forget what to say and do when they are tired, frustrated, or busy.  For most of us, it takes deliberate practice.  Having a sort of “script” to think about at first can help.

Certainly, you don’t want to use anyone else’s words all the time, because that won’t be YOU, and the most important thing you can give your children is yourself. But following positive examples is a good way to start.  Perhaps the following examples will give you some ideas and starting points:

  

INSTEAD OF SAYING NO, TRY:

USING POSITIVE LANGUAGE

“You can throw the ball outside.”

BEING A ROLE MODEL

“Here.  I’ll share this toy with you.”

SETTING FIRM BOUNDARIES WHEN NEEDED

“I will not let you hurt other people.”

TEACHING SKILLS

“Try asking your brother for a turn.”

PROVIDING OTHER WAYS OF COPING

“Want to read a book with me while you’re waiting for a turn?”

RESPECTING FEELINGS

“I can tell that you are very upset right now.”

GIVING INFORMATION

“Pets are animals that need a gentle touch.”

STAYING CLOSE WHEN NEEDED

“I will be right here to help you play with your friends.”

GIVING APPROPRIATE CHOICES

“Would you like to brush your teeth before your bath, or after?”

OBSERVING, AND HELPING BEFORE A PROBLEM STARTS

“I’ll help put some toys away so there’s more room to play.”

HELPING CHILDREN LEARN EMPATHY

“I can see that both of you love doing puzzles!”

POINTING OUT THE EMOTIONAL CUES OF OTHERS

“When you look at his face, can you tell what he’s feeling?”

PROVIDING MANY WAYS OF EXPRESSION

“Would you like to draw a picture or build a sand sculpture about how sad you feel?”

PROVIDING VOCABULARY

“It looks like you might be feeling frustrated.”

UNDERSTANDING THAT CHILDREN NEED TO MOVE

“Let’s run to the playground!”

INVOLVING CHILDREN IN IMPORTANT JOBS

“I need some help with these heavy water bottles!”

PROVIDING COMFORT

“You can sit here with me for awhile if you want.”

UNDERSTANDING A CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT

“Mom and I are still eating but you’re finished. Would you like to be excused to play with your toys now?”

BEING POLITE

“Thank you for sharing your snack with me.”

OFFERING SIMPLE SENSORY AND ART EXPERIENCES EVERY DAY

“It looks like working with the clay helped you feel better.”

BEING PATIENT- LEARNING TAKES TIME

“I can tell that you are working hard to wait politely for a turn.”

ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

“How could we make that work?”

LETTING CHILDREN SOLVE PROBLEMS

“What do you think we can do about this?”

HAVING AGE-APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS

“We’ll go shopping another day when you’re not tired.”

HEY READERS:

Add your own examples (and success stories) as comments below!  I’d love to read them, and so would everyone else.  We all learn from each other.