Exploring With Teacher Annie

2012-01-19T17:14:00.000-08:00

TEACHING TRUST

She jumps up on my lap, her ears flopping as she lays herhead down in the exact spot I wanted to rest my book. She gazes into my eyeswith love, and shows complete contentment. She’s stuck like glue. Gazing down at those brown eyes I have completely forgotten the "I-got-into-the-trash" incident and the "I forgot to potty outside" issue. I'm held prisoner by her sense of trust in me. No wonder I don’t get anythingdone! Who wants to get up and dolaundry when you have a warm happy, trusting dog-friend on your lap! No wonderso many people love dogs: they teachus by example the joys of trust.

I feel certain that trust is the cornerstone of aproductive, happy life. We learnto trust (or not) during the first year of life, and then spend the rest of ourlives either reinforcing or reversing that first learning. But in spite of theimportance of those early experiences, developing trust is an ongoing process,and continues throughout our entire lives.

People who are able to trust others can build supportivefriendships, take reasonable risks to learn new things, and ask for help whenthey need it. In general, they are able to weather the storms of life and livetheir lives with optimism.

It seems to me that when early experiences make it harderfor some people to trust others, those people may find life a little harder tonavigate. It can be harder to makeand keep friends, and it can even be hard to trust yourself if you’ve developedhabits of being distrustful of others.

Here are some things parents can do to help their childrendevelop a healthy sense of trust:

-Be trustworthy. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Tell them when you’re leaving rather than sneaking away, andtry hard to be back when you say you will be.

-Teach by example how to trust other people. Choose carefully the family members,friends, teachers, and others that you feel you can trust, and then demonstrateyour trust in ways that your child can see it. You may trust a friend tohouse-sit for you, and your child can see you handing the key to them andthanking them for their help. Don’t leave your child with ANYONE that you don’t trust, and when you doleave, tell your child, “I know Teacher Annie (or Grandma or Aunt Sally orGrandpa Joe) will take very good care of you until I get back.”

-Trust yourself. Kids pick up on it when parents are constantly second-guessingthemselves. Work on your own self-confidence, so that you can show your childwhat a self-confident adult looks like.

-Trust your child. When she is struggling to learn something new, you can say, “I know it’shard right now, but I trust that you can keep trying, and you will be able tofigure it out” When your toddler chooses to spend every day at preschool in thesandbox playing with the same truck, remind yourself to trust that the childand his developmental process is choosing the right activities at the righttime to support healthy brain growth.

-Don’t place inappropriate trust in your child. Don’t expect that your five year oldwill always remember to stay away from the busy street or leave the sharpknives alone. Instead of puttingthis responsibility on the child, make sure you always hold his hand in theparking lot, and keep the knives locked up in a safe place. Having realisticexpectations for your child helps them learn to trust themselves and gives thema sense of confidence and security.

-When someone betrays your trust, remind yourself that anoverwhelming number of people in your life have proven to be worthy of yourtrust. Avoid over-generalizing, and don’t base your view of the world on a fewundependable people.

I think it’s very important to live with a sense ofgratitude. We should let our kidshear us talking every day about the things and people that we’re thankful for. One thing near the top of my Gratitude List is my dogs,because they are my best teachers when it comes to the important life lessonsof trust, living in the moment, and expressing gratitude. When I die, I think it would be greatto come back as a dog. Well, notjust any dog. I would want to be adog with an owner like me: aperson who always has a lap ready, and who always trusts me to be a Good Dog inspite of all evidence to the contrary!

WHAT CAN I SAY?

2011-09-29T10:36:00.000-07:00

This thing called “positive discipline” really does work. Most parents realize that a positive, respectful approach has great long-term benefits for their child because it builds self discipline and self esteem.

But putting positive discipline into practice in-the-moment isn’t easy. Many, many parents tell me they just forget what to say and do when they are tired, frustrated, or busy. For most of us, it takes deliberate practice. Having a sort of “script” to think about at first can help.

Certainly, you don’t want to use anyone else’s words all the time, because that won’t be YOU, and the most important thing you can give your children is yourself. But following positive examples is a good way to start. Perhaps the following examples will give you some ideas and starting points:

INSTEAD OF SAYING NO, TRY:

USING POSITIVE LANGUAGE

“You can throw the ball outside.”

BEING A ROLE MODEL

“Here. I’ll share this toy with you.”

SETTING FIRM BOUNDARIES WHEN NEEDED

“I will not let you hurt other people.”

TEACHING SKILLS

“Try asking your brother for a turn.”

PROVIDING OTHER WAYS OF COPING

“Want to read a book with me while you’re waiting for a turn?”

RESPECTING FEELINGS

“I can tell that you are very upset right now.”

GIVING INFORMATION

“Pets are animals that need a gentle touch.”

STAYING CLOSE WHEN NEEDED

“I will be right here to help you play with your friends.”

GIVING APPROPRIATE CHOICES

“Would you like to brush your teeth before your bath, or after?”

OBSERVING, AND HELPING BEFORE A PROBLEM STARTS

“I’ll help put some toys away so there’s more room to play.”

HELPING CHILDREN LEARN EMPATHY

“I can see that both of you love doing puzzles!”

POINTING OUT THE EMOTIONAL CUES OF OTHERS

“When you look at his face, can you tell what he’s feeling?”

PROVIDING MANY WAYS OF EXPRESSION

“Would you like to draw a picture or build a sand sculpture about how sad you feel?”

PROVIDING VOCABULARY

“It looks like you might be feeling frustrated.”

UNDERSTANDING THAT CHILDREN NEED TO MOVE

“Let’s run to the playground!”

INVOLVING CHILDREN IN IMPORTANT JOBS

“I need some help with these heavy water bottles!”

PROVIDING COMFORT

“You can sit here with me for awhile if you want.”

UNDERSTANDING A CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT

“Mom and I are still eating but you’re finished. Would you like to be excused to play with your toys now?”

BEING POLITE

“Thank you for sharing your snack with me.”

OFFERING SIMPLE SENSORY AND ART EXPERIENCES EVERY DAY

“It looks like working with the clay helped you feel better.”

BEING PATIENT- LEARNING TAKES TIME

“I can tell that you are working hard to wait politely for a turn.”

ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

“How could we make that work?”

LETTING CHILDREN SOLVE PROBLEMS

“What do you think we can do about this?”

HAVING AGE-APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS

“We’ll go shopping another day when you’re not tired.”

HEY READERS:

Add your own examples (and success stories) as comments below! I’d love to read them, and so would everyone else. We all learn from each other.

(THIS POST WAS FIRST PUBLISHED IN JANUARY OF 2010.)

PRESCHOOL TO HIGH SCHOOL

2011-09-14T21:20:00.001-07:00

Chattingwith the terrific moms in my Transitions parenting class has made me thinklately about the passage of time. There’s nothing like seeing my formertoddlers entering Kindergarten to remind me about the steady ticking of theclock.

Hearingabout the trials and tribulations of the first few weeks of The BigK from these new Kinder-moms is a great reminder about how foundational human development is. Everything that we experience today is built on thefoundation of all our yesterdays. And today we’re already working on thefoundation for tomorrow!

Working on a lecture for my college level child development course, I found a research-based list of typicalthinking patterns that have been proven to be common to teenagers who get intotrouble. When I look at that list, it seems obvious that the firstingredient for a happy and healthy teenager is a happy, healthy preschooler.

Even though some of our recent preschool graduates are going through some adjustments right now as they get used to Kindergarten, I know that eventually they will be just fine. The positive, affirming experiences of preschool provide a solid foundation for just the kinds of challenges those newKindergarteners are facing today as they’re getting used to the demands ofbig-kid-school. I hope their parents will have faith in that sturdydevelopmental infrastructure through the inevitable challenges their children will face in the next few years. But it’s probably even more important to understand that in 8, 10, or 12 years,these children will still be building on all of that earlylearning.

Here’san item from that Aggressive Adolescents list:

-Aggressiveadolescents tend to have a narrow view of ways to solve problems.

Accordingto this research, when teens don’t know how to solve problems, they resort toaggression. Even the smallest conflict can quickly escalate to violence, simplybecause the kids lack the skills needed to handle thingspeacefully.

Whatis the first thing we start learning on Day One in Teacher Annie’s toddlerclasses? Problem solving, of course. “I see you both want the sametruck. What can you do about that? I can help you find another one, orask your friend for a turn.” “Oops, the water spilled. How can we cleanit up?” Incidentally, today actually was Day One, and yes, that’s exactly what we talkedabout over and over and over. And I LOVE it! Sometime I should tryto count exactly how many opportunities for problem-solving lessons naturallyarise in the course of a typical morning in my two year old class. I’m surethat each child must encounter dozens of them in our two hours of living,working, and playing together.

Problemsolving is the cornerstone of early childhood curriculum, and any preschoolteacher who’s worth their “big salary” understands that. Thankfully do notoutgrow those lessons they way they outgrow shoes, and the most importantlessons don’t get lost in the “inner space” of teenage brains. They’re inthere. They have become part of the hard-wiring, the structure ofthe brain. Good parents and good teachers can work together to make surethat important lessons from early childhood are reinforced all along the way.

Anotherexample from that rather alarming Aggressive Adolescents list:

Teenswho engage in aggressive behaviors show little capacity for empathy, or seeingthings from another person’s point of view.

Again,what better place to begin learning empathy than preschool? Today in my2’s class, I observed many, many examples of our “Empathy 101” curriculumin action. For example, I saw dozens of signs of real learning and growthin the few minutes I was helping my little newbies meet Freckles The SchoolBunny for the first time, “What did Freckles tell you when you poked him justnow? See how he moved away from you? What do you think he wants youto know?”quickly led to “I see Freckles has moved close to you now. And I seethat you’re petting him gently. How do you think Freckles feelsnow?” It’s one life lesson after another, all day every day inpreschool. These lessons are always individualized so they can exactlymeet the current developmental path of each child. This way, the learning sinksin deeply and permanently. It becomes a part of them.

Takea look at these other items from The List, and then think about what your childlearns in preschool every day:

Aggressiveand at-risk adolescents:

-havelittle or no attachment or sense of belonging

-areunable to think in advance about consequences of their behavior

-donot engage in critical thinking skills, often leading to aggression based onillogical or incomplete information

It's not hard to see howappropriate preschool experiences can prevent a lifetime of problems.

Sodon’t waste too much time fretting about the future. Try to enjoy everyminute with your little ones. Realize that the time, thought, and effortthat you and your preschool teachers are investing now will serve your childrenwell for the rest of their lives.

It’strue:

Ahappy childhood can last a lifetime!

THE GENIUS OF TODDLERS

2011-09-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

Meeting some of my new 2 year olds today at school today reminded me all over again about one of the reasons why I absolutely love toddlers and two's: their brains are growing at an incredible rate. One aspect of brain development involves forming an intricate network of neural connections in response to experiences. This is the toddler's specialty! All the action is triggered by sensory information. Each one of a toddler's five senses is on high alert every minute. Each day is a heroic quest to accumulate sensory experiences which will lead to an ever-increasing understanding of the world.

More neural connections are being formed in the brain when you are one and two years old than at any other time in your life. Think about it: a large part of your own brain architecture was created when you were so young that you probably don't even consciously remember your experiences. I think this is why my two's take their work and their play so seriously: they're in the process of designing a brain structure that will be allow for a lifetime of learning. And to think that all of this learning and growth is initiated through the five senses! Fascinating!

Some of the toddler sensory exploration I observed today at preschool:

(Note: fake initials)

-L. was pushing the doll stroller around the room and creating challenges for himself along the way. At one point he tried to push the stroller up over the threshold to go outside, and worked very hard to learn just how much he had to lift the wheels to get it over the bump. L. was combining information from his eyes, his hands, his feet, and his ears, and using that information to solve a self-chosen problem. Fabulous expression of triumph on that little face when he succeeded!

-Z. is very familiar with the preschool environment. When he walked into the beloved preschool play-yard he was apparently disconcerted to find that some water-pipe construction had torn up a part of the garden. Upon seeing the pile of dirt and the caution tape, he evidently compared that with the prior visual information about preschool that he already had "on file" in his brain, and wasn't thrilled with the discrepancy. His mom told me when he saw the mess, his comment was, "Ya gotta be kidding me!" Ha! This cracks me up, because although I've known Z. for about a year, so far, I've never heard him say more than 2 or 3 words at a time! The impact of this visual image prompted his brain to use very elaborate language to express himself.

-P. was fascinated with the pretend-kitchen, and in particular, the pretend-microwave. He spent a lot of time putting toy food into the microwave, shutting the door, and pushing the pretend buttons. While engaging in this activity, he was extremely focused and calm. When other children (probably equally enthralled with the prospect of microwaving stuff like mom and dad) came near, he became unhappy and a look of distress could be seen on his face. Clearly, he was worried because he felt a very strong need to continue this activity until he felt "done" (meaning: he had maximized his learning from the activity,) and the approach of other children threatened his ability to complete his self-appointed learning task. Multiply this example times a thousand, and you can get an idea of what life is like every day in a toddler classroom! Most of the inevitable toddler conflicts (I call them social learning opportunities) arise from the urgent internal drive to complete a sensory learning task.

-R. and her big brother went into the bathroom to wash their hands. I encouraged the brother to climb up on the step stool and wash his hands with her, because I knew that big brothers are intensely observed by little sisters, and are often the most important role models of all. R. observed, wide-eyed, as brother soaped, scrubbed and rinsed his hands, then followed his lead, exactly imitating the actions she had just watched him doing. Big smile! Then walking away, she made a great effort to mimic his big-boy swagger, as well!

-Today the pretend-kitchen was, as always, a popular and busy part of our classroom. F. was busy with the dishes, and I suddenly saw an "I've got an idea!" look on his face. Then he started supplying sound-effects as he poured and sipped imaginary tea. This was quite interesting to other children and several joined him in his noisy tea party. Many senses combined to make this a fascinating moment for F. and a few friends. Lots of learning about friendship, pretend-play, cause/effect, and much more!

-B. said the white crayon was "broken, " because she couldn't see the marks it made as she scribbled on the white paper. I gave her a piece of black paper to experiment with and she tested the white crayon on the black paper, and then tried several other colors, comparing the results. I observed an "Aha!" expression on her face as she figured out this interesting problem. Priceless!

All this and much, much more happened today at our Meet The Teacher Day classroom visits. You can almost hear the crackling and popping as the synapses formed! And this is just our first day. Wait 'til these kiddos see what I have planned for their growing brains next week!

GASPING FOR AIR

2011-08-28T09:06:00.001-07:00

“Be sure to secure your own oxygen maskbefore assisting others.” You hear it every time you fly, right? And itmakes sense: if you didn’t put on your oxygen mask, you would be uselessto help anyone around you in an airplane emergency. But even worse, you couldbe a burden, a hindrance. Your unconscious, inert body could actuallyblock the way and keep other people from getting out of the plane safely. So ifthose masks ever drop from the ceiling, it’s a no-brainer to most of us that weshould put our own mask on first, then help our kids or other people withtheirs. But….. I’m sure I’m not the first person to see the obviousanalogy. I’m sure you have, too, right? Let me explain.

Rightnow I’m sitting in my mom’s hospital room, trying to provide help, care, andloving company to her while she struggles with several different ailments. Andit occurs to me that this oxygen-mask advice makes sense emotionally, as well. I’m finally learning that when I don’t take care of myself, Ican have a negative impact on those around me. In all kinds ofrelationships, it’s a good idea to “secure your own emotional oxygen” in order to be available tonurture those who depend on you. When we always put other people’s needs firstwhile consistently ignoring our own, we are asking for trouble. No one can be ok all the time, but I’m beginning to understand that I do have a responsibility to try to increase my ok-ness whenever I can.

Itseems to me that parents of young kids are at great risk for doing this. Of course it's true that parenting involves sacrifice. Lots of it. It’s just the way it is,and people who aren’t willing to accept this often make lousy parents. When youhave kids, especially when they’re very young, it’s a given that your needs andwants will go on the back burner, at least for a number of years. Kids aretotally worth it, but there’s no denying that they take priority overeverything else. However, it’simportant to figure out which of your own needs are so basic to you that theycould be classified as “emotional oxygen,” and then work to make sure you takecare of those needs. Otherwise, both you and your kids will suffer.

Lookingback, I realize that I most certainly didn’t quite get this twenty years agowhen I was in the middle of raising little kids. I can see now that some of mydifficulties and bad parenting moments were the result of being deprived of theemotional oxygen that I needed in order to function at my best.

In mycase, one of the most basic things that I needed when my kids were little wasalone-time. Having a little time on a regular basis to zone out or actually complete a thought for a change would havemade a big difference, but I didn’t get it very often. I had been raised by avery selfless, devoted mom who never put herself first. I'm so lucky to have such a loving mother who poured her heart into her kids. However, having this role modelmade it almost impossible to see self-care as an option when my kids werereally little. When Emily and Audra were toddlers, I often found myself melting downunexpectedly and being emotionally volatile, which I don’t tend to be bynature. In retrospect, I understand why. My head was spinning with kid-stuffall the time, with no time to think. I still remember how it felt, and I can still conjure up the crazyfeelings and headaches that were my almost-constant reality during that time.Being deprived of solitude may not be a problem for some people, but for me itwas a nightmare. Marlin was already working extremely hard to support us,as well as pitching in a lot when he was at home. It seemed that he wasalready as maxed out as I was so I didn’t feel I had a right to complain or askfor even more help. We were on a fairly tight budget, having just moved toCalifornia from the much-more-affordable Midwest, and we couldn’t afford luxurieslike babysitting very often.

It wasn’t until the kids werea little older that I realized how much it would have helped to have a bit ofme-time to look forward to on a regular basis. There would have been fewermommy-meltdowns and I could have made better parenting decisions. I stillremember how awful I felt each time I raised my voice at my kids, and I stillremember how they often asked me if I as happy, anxiously scanning my facialexpression for signs of stress. Poor little things: theyreally did absorb my stress and exhaustion. If I had realized that my unmet need for a little bit ofdown-time was impacting people other than just myself, I probably would havefound ways to take care of myself a little better. For example, I couldhave tried a little harder to work out reasonable kid-trading and babysitting arrangements with othermoms on a regular basis. I did some of that but it was sporadicbecause I didn’t realize the importance of it, and it took effort to plan. Withjust a little more up-front effort, I could have built in a little moresanity-time, and prevented passing on my stress to my little girls.

Whilestruggling with my mom’s health problems lately I’ve had to remind myselffrequently of these important lessons. Caring for an ill and aging parent isn’tall that different from parenting young children. In both contexts, It’shard not to give in to the strong urge to forget about myself while focusing onthe immediate and urgent needs of others. So I am trying to deliberately remindmyself to get out of this hospital room several times a day, get fresh air,take walks, immerse myself in a good book, and take other kinds of breaks whenI can. Even writing this blog post has given me a refreshing breath ofemotional oxygen during this difficult time. Thankfully, starting our new year atpreschool next week, with the opportunity to meet my new group of toddlers and their parents will definitely be therapeutic for me.

What isyour emotional oxygen? The next time you ignore a strong basic need of your ownin order meet some “wants” of your kids, think about it. Every day in the lifeof a family is full of little emergencies as well as the occasional MajorDisaster. But there are always opportunities for self-care if we really lookfor them. It’s important to remember that no one will do this foryou. Even the most sensitive and loving partners or friends can’t seewhat you are feeling and fix it for you: it’s your job to do that.

My advice: secureyour own emotional oxygen before assisting others. Otherwise, you will beof no assistance to anyone.

Transition Support Group Starts Next Week!

2011-08-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

TeacherAnnie’s Transition Support Group

Forparents of children in kindergarten and beyond.

Tuesdays

9:30-11:30

AtExplorer, Room 11

15sessions: August 30-December 6, 2011

$150per family

Movinginto the world of elementary school can be a bit daunting….. for parents. Nodoubt about it: the children arealways ready for big changes before we are!

Yourchildren don’t need a support group: they’ll already be finding that on the playground and at their lunchtable! But if you’re looking for help as you navigate these new waters, thisgroup is for you. We’ll talk about issues related to being parents ofschool-agers, as well as discuss the development of children ages 5-8.

Preschoolparents have already learned the value of parent-support, so there’s no reasonthis has to end now that preschool is just a fond memory! We all still need support,information, and connection withother parents.

Tellyour friends: anyone is welcome.(Not limited to Explorer families.)

Toregister, contact Annie Deckert

NOT GETTING AWAY FROM IT ALL

2011-08-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

Marlin and I look forward to our relaxing camping getawayevery summer. We’re sitting underthe tall trees reading and chatting, thinking about starting dinner, when newneighbors arrive. A minivan pullsinto the empty campsite next to us. (Let's call them Family A.) Mom and Dad start getting organized, whilea four year old boy and a six year old girl check out their surroundings.

Here are some bits of conversation that I overheard:

DAD: Hey come help me set up the tent. Here hold this for a minute, ok? Let’spick a good spot for the tent.

4-YEAR OLD: Ummmhhh, over there! (Points to an uneven spot with lots of bumpy tree roots.)

DAD: Well, that might be a little bit bumpy for thetent. How about over here, whereit’s smooth and flat. What do yathink?

4-YEAR OLD: Ok!

DAD: You decide which way we should make the doorface. Like that? Ok. Good idea. Thatway we can see the campfire from the tent doorway.

4-YEAR OLD: Are we gonna build a fire right now?

DAD: Later we’ll work on it. Maybe when it’s gettingdark. Ok, you take this corner and give the other corner to your sister.Right. Now you can each take onetent pole and put it together like this. Good! Yeah, it’s big but you can handle it. Remember how we did itlast night at the other campground? Now- do you see where it goes through theloop?

6-YEAR-OLD: I’ll hold this end and we can do it together, ok?

DAD: Teamwork! I love it!

4-YEAR OLD: Mom! Why aren’t you givingme milk?!?

MOM: Are you thirsty? Help yourself to some water if you like. I’m making a quick dinner rightnow, and you can have milk in a few minutes if you still want it. I could usesome help. Would you like to setout the silverware, or put these carrots in a bowl?

DAD: Tent’s all set up! I’m glad I had helpers. Tents arehard to set up alone.

SIX-YEAR-OLD: Mom, look! I climbed! I climbed as high as I could!!!

MOM: Wow-that IS high. I remember when you were too little to do that, and now you canclimb way higher than your head!

4-YEAR OLD: I need to go pee!!!!

MOM: Remember where it is? Youcan go by yourself if you want to. It’s so close I can watch you walk therewhile I’m cooking.

SIX-YEAR-OLD: I’ll go with him!

MOM: Thanks! Your brother willprobably like the company. Askhim!

FOUR-YEAR-OLD: Yeah, come with me, and let’s pretendwe’re hikers lost in the woods!

MOM: Dinner’s ready—I hope the “lost hikers” hurry up and get found so we caneat while it’s hot! There will beplenty of time to run and climb between dinner and bedtime. How does thattaste? I’ll bet you’re hungry fromall the fresh air and all the exercise! I know I am!

SIX-YEAR-OLD: Let’s go on a hike after dinner! We can find the perfect walking sticks first, then explore!

DAD: Whew-I’m tired, but I think you’re right: a short hike would be fun. Just give me a few minutes to rest first, ok?

Oh dear……even though I’m on vacation, I’m inTeacher-Annie-Mode anyway, as usual. I can’t help thinking about what an excellent example of Positive Disciplinethis family is demonstrating. Mom and Dad must be tired: a camping trip with little kids? Exhausting. I remember it well. But they seem calm and happy, and so dothe children. They are fully connected to their beautiful surroundings, andenjoying being together.

What a contrast from the other family I eavesdropped onyesterday. Let's call them Family B. Here are some tidbits:

MOM: Don’t go so far away—I’ve told you a million times.You’ll get lost in the woods and eaten by bears.

FIVE-YEAR-OLD-GIRL: No I won’t! It’s boring overhere. You never let me do anything.

MOM: Don’t touch that: it’s dirty. Whycan’t you just play and leave me alone so I can cook dinner? I’m tired enough without you makingeverything harder.

FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL: I’m Dora! You be Diego!C’mon!

SEVEN-YEAR-OLD-BOY: No, Diego doesn’t climb trees. And that stuff is just for babies likeyou, anyway!

FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL: Mom!!!! He’s calling me names!

SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY: I just said she’s a baby becauseshe’s acting like one. Andnow she’s climbing again!

DAD: Getdown from there: you’re notallowed to climb trees, and you know it.

FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL: I want a soda!

MOM: Don’tbug Dad right now: you know how hegets when he’s trying to set up the tent!

FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL: I want a soda!!

MOM: No soda right now. Leave me alone: I’m cooking dinner! We’ll never get toeat if you keep interrupting me.

FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL: I WANT A SODA!!!!!

DAD: Thatdoes it! No more soda for you forthe rest of the day. You’ve had enough anyway. That’s why you’re acting like abrat.

MOM: Lordhelp me….. Why did I think this trip was a good idea? They’re just as bad asthey are at home, only worse because there’s nothing to keep them entertained.

FIVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL: So-DA! So-DA! So-DA!

SEVEN-YEAR-OLD-BOY: Dad, she’s bugging me with all the screaming.

DAD: Listen.Stop the whining. If you don’t stop messing around and bugging us you’re gonnahave a time-out. Ok- let’s have a contest: whoever can be quiet for the longest gets to have the firstmarshmallow later.

MOM: Here: just sit down andwatch this movie.

DAD: Shouldathought of the movie earlier. Goodthing we brought the DVD player.

MOM: ThankGod for technology.

Big difference, isn’t it? But why is Family A able to handle regular every-daykid-stuff in a positive way, while everything is so hard for Family B?

Here are some things that Family A did well, and Family Bdid poorly:

-Involving the children in the work of the family (eventhough setting up a tent with little “helpers” actually takes longer…..)

-Encouraging teamwork

-Responding to children’s needs and wants

-Setting limits when appropriate

-Encouraging independence and confidence

-Role-modeling cooperation and encouraging teamwork

-Teaching the children how to enjoy the outdoors, by settingan example

-Encouraging imaginative play and physical activity.

-Demonstrating respect for each other

-Giving up on perfectionism

Family B’s approach was almost directly opposite, and theend result is conflict, bad feelings, bickering, impatience, exhaustion, and avery miserable atmosphere. (Not to mention all the negative things the childrenare learning…..)

And, as you may have guessed, I’m quite unimpressed with theway Family B fell back on turning on a movie for the kids. They’re out in thewoods! Chipmunks, trees, rocks, sky, bugs…… everything a kid could possibly need! How can they think it’s a goodidea to distract kids from nature by parking them in front of a movie they’veseen a dozen times already???? Don’t get me started….. I can’t help but wonderif many of the negative behaviors on the part of the kids AND parents in FamilyB have their origins in too many hours spent in front of the tv at home. Andthese kids probably watched movies in the car all day on the way to thecampground, so no wonder they’re crabby! I’m doubtful that these parents have ever interrupted their importanttv-viewing schedule with a parenting book, a parenting class, or a parenting blog.I had to wonder how the Family B parents would respond if they were everexposed to positive discipline concepts. Would they embrace it and startlearning the skills, or would they reject the ideas, saying it’s too much work?

I wonder if Family A is always functions this well. I doubt it. There’s no such thing as Super Parents,and real life brings plenty of problems and frustrations. But it was obviousthat although thinking in positive ways takes effort, these parents wereactually finding it a lot easier to campwith kids than the other family. Making the effort to learn and practicepositive discipline skills makes family life easier and happier in the longrun.

When my kids were young, I remember being in Family-B-Modeway too much, even though I was beginning to know better. I wish I could have managed moreFamily-A-Moments, but oh well…..I was trying pretty hard, doing my best most of the time, and learning alot. A lot of parenting comes downto just doing the best you can. But even the occasional good-parent-moment is worth the effort. Successbuilds on success, and every time we do well in our attempts to use positivediscipline, we’re laying the groundwork for another successful moment down theroad.

I wonder how Marlin and I will do someday, the first time we take ourfuture grandkids camping. I hope I’ll manage to be a bit more like Family Athan Family B. It’s so much morefun to be positive.

But listen, Emily and Audra: no hurry on that grandkid thing, ok?

BASIC TRANSPORTATION

2011-03-06T15:10:00.000-08:00

Click! Whew….. You finally got your squirming toddler and your newborn baby strapped into their car seats. So now what? Is a ride just transportation, or is it something more? Is taking your children places in the car just an annoying chore? Or is it a rich opportunity to build your relationship with your children, and to enjoy watching them grow and develop?

I remember driving my mom crazy in the car, but it was different then. When I was little, it was still the dark ages before car seats. My brother and I made car trips into an athletic activity: we joyfully climbed back and forth over the seats, did handstands, stretched out in the back window, hung out the window as far as we could until Mom made us stop, rolled around on the floor and held wrestling tournaments on the way to Grandma's house. I actually think I remember experimenting with crawling up onto the dashboard and begging my mom to let me make the trip to the store stretched out up there. As I recall, this elicited one of Mom's signature Exasperated Sighs. Needless to say, our kids today cannot engage in such active play in the car, so how can we help them deal with spending so much time sitting still? What is happening in the brains of our infants, toddlers, and preschoolers when they are driving around with us?

If you took a minute to add up how many hours your child will spend in the car before his or her sixth birthday, you would be surprised. We put a lot of miles on our kids in their early years, even when we’re just hauling them around the neighborhood. It makes me wonder: are family vehicles just a place for kids to vegetate until we get there? Or is it more like a fascinating preschool classroom, well-equipped with everything needed to deliver a broad and deep curriculum, geared toward assisting growing brains?

Let’s think about some of the learning that happens in the car, whether on long road trips or on our everyday commute.

-LOOKING. When you’re a toddler or a young preschooler, everything in the world is fascinating, and your brain is primed and ready to use every piece of data it can absorb. All of the interesting things children see out the window as they ride in a car offer many learning opportunities. Observation skills are sharpened, and curiosity begins to grow. Visual stimulation enhances children’s ability to perceive colors, shapes, and familiar objects, at increasingly advanced levels as their visual perception naturally matures.

-PERCEPTION. Think about how our amazing brains manage to handle tricky phenomena such as depth perception, distance, and the ways objects look from varying points of view. All this high-level super-computing in our brain began while we were very young, and a large part of it may have been stimulated by riding in the car and seeing how things look as they come closer and go farther away. When children have many opportunities to practice focusing their eyes on objects very close to them inside the car, and then quickly changing their depth of field to focus on far-away objects outside of the car, they are strengthening their eyes for later reading and school tasks.

-PEOPLE AND PLACES. Observing homes and neighborhoods of various types gives children an early start in the Social Sciences. One of the earliest Social Studies concepts taught in most classrooms is about Homes and Neighborhoods. On routine trips in the car, children see that some homes look like theirs, while others are different. They also internalize the idea that all of us share a need for shelter. Everyone lives somewhere. This is one more way that children can slowly decentralize their thinking and gradually work toward understanding the world in a less ego-centric way.

-NAVIGATION. Places exist in geographic relation to each other. This isn’t as obvious as you might think: children have to learn this through experience. As families travel familiar routes in the car over and over, children internalize a sense of directionality and geographical orientation. Not everyone finds it easy to learn where North is, or which way is Left. I know plenty of adults who can get lost right in their own neighborhoods, but at least learning that There is not Here is a good start! The geniuses who developed your favorite GPS software began their mapmaking careers as babies in strollers or back seats, gradually learning what’s-where in their own neighborhoods.

-SELF-CONTROL. Self regulation is the ability to cope with our emotions. We start working on self-regulation when we’re born, and gradually developing it is one of the central tasks of childhood. Travel offers children many opportunities to work on self-regulation, and many rewards when they manage to make progress. Learning to wait is just plain hard. But people who don’t have a chance to work on this in age-appropriate ways in early childhood may struggle with self-regulation as they get older. In the car, children can learn to cope with boredom by creating games for themselves, watching for interesting things out the window, talking to themselves or family members, creating imaginary worlds in their heads, or singing songs. Even when it’s very hard to sit still in the car seat, children find the rewards of self-regulation in the car to be very affirming and empowering. Children develop a strong sense of self-sufficiency as they learn internal ways to avoid being overwhelmed by waiting.

-TALKING. A great deal of language and social skills can be developed in the car, as adults and children have conversations about what they see. Even infants are absorbing the sounds of language and beginning to connect them with the concrete objects that they represent. Research shows that children whose parents talk with them a lot in their first five years have higher IQ’s, higher levels of healthy attachment and emotional development, and do better in school later on. Besides, it’s great practice for later, when your kids become teenagers. Parents of teens will tell you that their kids are more likely to talk to them when “held prisoner” in the car, than at any other time.

-OLD AND NEW. Children’s brains crave both novelty and familiarity, for very specific reasons. Seeing brand new sights while traveling down an unfamiliar highway may give a growing brain the chance to create new neural pathways, while driving the same street to school each day allows existing neural pathways to become increasingly myelinated. Myelination makes frequently used parts of the brain’s wiring efficient and permanent.

-TIME. The ability to perceive the passage of time, and to anticipate the future and remember the past is an important part of human functioning. In the car, children experience time passing, and gradually learn to measure it in internal and external ways. This is true on a small scale, such as when children become familiar with how long it takes to drive to preschool, but it also happens on a much larger scale, as children observe this route throughout all seasons of the year. Seeing the trees change color and the weather change over time gives a growing brain a lot to reflect on. Conversations between parents and children about “how long,” “how far” and “what’s next” help to deepen this learning.

All this is just a small fraction of the learning and growth that can happen during all those thousands of hours your kids will spend in the car. And amazingly, it doesn't really take a lot of work or participation on your part. It's up to the child to figure it out, but of course when a video is flipped on the minute the car starts, kids don't learn any of those skills. I’ll leave it up to you to compare the rich experiences described above to what kids learn when they are plugged into videos and gaming devices instead of looking out the window and entertaining themselves. It’s tempting to use gadgets to make car trips more peaceful, because children certainly do become quiet little zombies when an electronic device is doing their thinking for them. Brain growth can be noisy, complicated, and annoying at times. But it’s also exciting and rewarding, for both parents and children. Toddlers and preschoolers who are used to riding in the car “unplugged” are gradually growing into very smart people who will someday be great travel companions.

You can’t do anything about the price of gas or the tailgating habits of the driver behind you. But you do have the power to make sure the hours your kids spend in the car are accomplishing something more worthwhile than the ability to recite every word of Toy Story 3. Yeah, just like at home, it can be easier to just flip on a video, but it’s not better.

Say NO to electronic entertainment in the car, and say YES to smarter and happier kids!

WAITING FOR PO

2011-02-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

Children deserve parents who think. They don’t need parents who are perfect, or who have all the answers. (What a burden that would be! Please don’t saddle your kids with perfect parents- what a nightmare.) But I think families really thrive when parents put some thought into carefully considering at least some of their day-to-day parenting choices, rather than letting chance or whims dictate the family’s direction. And it seems even more important that parents are willing to challenge their own thinking from time to time, and look at things from an entirely new point of view. In parenting, mental effort counts for a lot.

These were my thoughts a few minutes ago, while driving home from tonight’s fascinating talk at my preschool by Po Bronson, the author of the best-selling book, Nurture Shock.

Wow- Po Bronson speaking at Explorer Preschool! What an event this was for a little school like ours. We have been waiting breathlessly for Po’s visit since last summer when our Parent Ed. Chair-mom, Katie, somehow used her magical powers to persuade him to speak at our school. And let me tell you: it was worth the wait. Po was amazing. Even with our break-time cookies calling to us from the other room, and babysitters turning into pumpkins, no one wanted his talk to end.

Some comments I heard from parents, and from the mentor teachers and college instructors that were also in attendance:

-How can he know so much, remember so much, and recall all that information so easily?

-He’s able to explain complicated concepts in a way that’s easy to understand. This is not the case with most people who are as brilliant as he is!

-How can he know so much, remember so much, and have all that information on the tip of his tongue?

-I feel good about my parenting after hearing him, even though I now think I need to make a couple of changes. Some experts just make me feel like a crappy parent, and I don’t need that- I feel bad enough already about all my mistakes.

-He’s one of us! He’s just a dad, and he understands what it’s like to be a parent like me.

-I can’t wait to read some of his other books and articles!

-He was so much fun to listen to—I lost track of time.

-Everything he said made me love our preschool even more.

-It’s hard to change your mind about things that you’ve always thought were right, but when Po explains why another viewpoint is better, it makes a lot of sense to me.

-I’m going to ask my spouse to read this. And I think I’ll buy a copy for my nanny too.

-This is giving me a lot to think about.

-I really hope he continues writing about child development topics.

-He really cares about this stuff, and it shows.

We can’t all have a Po-chip implanted in our brains, ready to call up and analyze the research data to make sure that our every decision is right. In fact, I’ll bet that even Po finds that chip a little hard to access at times. (Maybe we should discuss this with his wife….!) But most of us can think about what he talked about tonight, read or re-read Nurture Shock, and maybe discuss it with friends at our Aprll Book Club evening. That’s perfectly good enough. Just a little thoughtful effort can help us all be better parents and teachers.

OVER THEIR HEADS?

2011-01-30T12:45:00.000-08:00

Will kids be affected by things they don’t understand? Or will these things just go “over their heads” and float away harmlessly?

Is it ok to watch CNN or an R-rated movie when your toddler or preschooler is in the room?

What harm can it do for school-age kids to watch teen-oriented shows? After all, they don’t understand all the sexual innuendo and sexually-charged messages anyway, right?

Infants don't even notice what’s happening around them, do they? How could watching a violent movie or tv show while nursing your infant be a problem?

If adults talk about “adult things” or use “adult words” while kids are present, it’s ok as long as the kids don’t know what they are talking about, right?

If they don’t understand it, it’s not a problem, right?

Wrong.

Children of all ages absorb much more than adults realize, and many things they are exposed to at young ages can create stress and anxiety for them. From birth, babies and children begin a process called “social referencing.” Every second, they are looking at and listening to the people around them, to gradually form the basis for their view of the world.

In the early months of life, this social referencing is mostly in the form of sensory input, feelings, and impressions, because babies’ receptive language takes time to develop. They don’t know what your words mean when they are newborns, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t receiving clear messages from your tone of voice, your actions, and the general atmosphere around them.

At a few weeks of age, babies begin to zero in on the facial expressions of the people that are important to them, and very quickly they put those expressions together in their minds with other emotional clues to read your feelings by looking at your face. And when a baby or young child sees negative emotions on the face of his or her caregivers, the baby has no choice but to think that the distress is somehow related to them. This is because of the normal developmental ego-centrism of this age. If you’re upset or angry, the baby is likely to think it’s about them, because in infancy, babies experience EVERYTHING as being about them.

As children grow, this social referencing becomes more sophisticated. They watch us to learn how to respond to problems, to pain, to joy, to the feelings of other people, and to life in general. This process continues for a very long time, and perhaps it even continues into adulthood. My adult daughters have shown me that they are still very sensitive to me and their dad, and are very much affected by our emotions, or their perceptions of them. And I have to admit that I’m still very in-tune with my 80-year-old mom, and often still catch myself observing her to see how I should respond to something, just as I did when I was a kid.

So what does all this have to do with TV shows, movies, newscasts, video games, music, and other aspects of media exposure? If you look at it from the children’s viewpoint it’s pretty simple.

When a baby hears gunshots, explosions, and cries of anger and aggression coming from the soundtrack of your Friday night Netflix choice, and then they see your face registering no surprise or concern, it can give the baby the message that hurting people is of no consequence. Or if they see that you are distressed by these sounds and images, they can become anxious about your feelings, and often feel responsible for your distress.

When a child watches a movie intended for much older people, with complex emotional themes and complicated relationships, they are confronted with emotions that they are not yet equipped to deal with, so they may shut down and ignore those feelings. But the feelings don’t completely go away, so the child can be left with under-the-surface questions and anxieties which are not appropriate for their stage of development. And worse, they usually do not even have the language or experience they need to be able to express their need for help.

When kids of any age are allowed to watch or to play violent video games, no matter what our words may say about “we do not hurt people,” our actions of playing and condoning the hurtful actions on the screen speak much louder than those words. We expose kids to violence in many, many ways, and then we wonder why they push or hit a playmate at school. The connection is obvious when you think about it, but many adults do not see it. Or don't WANT to see it.

The problem is that we adults want what we want when we want it. We want to be able to watch movies, listen to the news, play games, or engage in other activities, and we want to believe it’s ok if our kids are “too young to get it.” But the thing is: kids are NEVER too young to “get it,” and as parents we have to put some of our own needs on hold at times to accommodate a child’s needs. Wait until they’re in bed to watch your movie or play your game.

Be sensitive to the social referencing that is such an intense part of growing up. And let your kids take their time growing into their understanding of the world.

Nothing goes “over their heads,” so that’s why WE, the adults, have to use ours.

IT'S ALREADY A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011-01-06T17:36:00.000-08:00

I absolutely love January at preschool. I love it so much that right after New Year's, I never mind leaving behind the decadence of a holiday break spent sitting on the couch with my dogs watching movies and eating sweets in my jammies. In fact, I really look forward to school starting again, even though it includes getting up early and being a grown-up again.

Why is it that children have amazing developmental spurts every year at this time? I have come to look forward to seeing amazing things in January at preschool, and I’m never disappointed. It’s so much fun seeing children growing into themselves, being ready to learn new skills, showing signs of new confidence, and getting to know each other in ways that they simply weren’t ready for just a few weeks ago. When I am surrounded by all this sudden growth, it reminds me once again that all the hard work of getting-used-to-school was well worth it.

Here are just a few examples from my One's and Two's during the first week of 2011:

-When someone smashed E’s sand castle, E just took a deep breath and said, “That’s ok. I can just build another one.”

-When Y raised his fist and started to hit someone who was “in his way,” he changed his mind, pulled back his arm, and walked the other direction. Then he got busy playing with his favorite truck and soon I saw him hand a toy to the child he considered hitting a few moments before.

-B, D, and M were working with scissors at the playdoh table. Scissors are a new adventure for B and D, but more familiar to M. After playing, poking, and exploring the possibilities for awhile, B and D started observing M’s scissor techniques, then trying to imitate them. Before long, all three children were holding the scissors in the traditional way, and successfully snipping away at the playdoh.

-When I was reading a book to the group, each child was “glued” to the story. They sat very still, listened to every word, and wanted to talk about each aspect of the story in great detail, relating it to experiences in their own lives. I think we spent at least 10 to 15 minutes on this one little book. Then they wanted to read another book! Why does everyone always say that 2's "have no attention span?"

-P and S, two young toddlers who didn’t even notice each other previously, played side-by-side for 20 minutes, watching the other child’s play and imitating it. Several times, P tried to engage S’s attention by eye contact and funny movements, and S responded by imimating and smiling.

-G has been stoically observing at school most of the time from September to December, rarely joining in to activities, and seldom smiling. This week she jumped in feet-first to many play activities and I observed her smiling many times, as well as interacting confidently with other children.

-T, who has been somewhat slow to develop language skills, is now one of those kids who is "glued to the story" when we're reading together. He is even more excited about discussing the story with me and his friends than the older and more verbal kids are!

And guess what: it's not only the kids who show signs of growth! Adults are blossoming in January as well:

-Several parents who told me they were overwhelmed by being a part of a parent participation preschool a few months ago are suddenly volunteering for extra little jobs and helping other parents whose turn it is to be overwhelmed! I'm so glad they stuck it out and pushed through the difficulty of that learning curve, and in their new connectedness, I can see that they are glad as well.

These little-yet-huge accomplishments and the many others I see ever day, are the very reason why we hang in there during those times when our children are fussy, say they hate school, cry when we leave them, have embarrassingly bad social skills, or in general seem to be going backwards instead of forwards.

It takes a lot of persistence to be parents and teachers. Even though I'm not an overly patient person, all these years of working with the same age group has shown me that persistence always pays off. When we don’t give up, and we keep offering our children appropriate and enriching experiences, we eventually reap the rewards of seeing our children grow and develop.

Now you know why I love January!

DELIBERATE PARENTING

2010-12-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

Parenting is hard. But it helps to have a support system like Explorer, my parent participation preschool. 20 years ago, Marlin and I joined Explorer as young parents of two little girls. I’ve been reflecting lately about the impact Explorer, and its emphasis on parent education, has made on the life of my family.

As a mom (and a teacher) I also have many occasions to reflect on my own childhood, and I’m always interested in hearing the stories of the childhoods of parents in our school as well.Here’s a common theme: I turned out ok. And so did you. And so did most people that you know, right? And this is because of (or is it “in spite of?”) the way we were all raised. Our parents loved us and did the best they could, and we all turned out ok.

The thing is, we are very likely to raise our kids in pretty much the exact same way as our parents raised us. Our childhood experiences created our “Normal” setting. The way we were raised is normal to us, including the parts of our childhoods and upbringing that no longer make sense in today’s world. So if we don’t make a deliberate, thoughtful effort, we may sometimes make decisions in our parenting which are less appropriate for our kids than they were for us when our parents did the same thing 25 or 30 years ago.

The reality is that, as parents, we need to put some effort into re-thinking things that are a part of our “Normal.” We need to re-evaluate, re-think, and re-calibrate what is ok and what is not, based on our adult beliefs and values (which may be different from those of our parents, as much as we love them,) and based on today’s culture and generational challenges.

Here are some examples of this type of Deliberate Parenting:

TELEVISION

-I watched quite a bit of tv as a kid, and “I turned out ok.” But tv in the 60’s and 70’s was very different from what’s on tv now. Just compare an episode of Glee to an episode of Happy Days. Or Southpark to Mayberry. And I didn’t alternate between tv, computer, and video games all day the way many unsupervised kids do today. I played hard outside most of the time, and then when it was dark and I had to come inside, I vegged for a couple hours in front of the Brady Bunch. It wouldn’t be very responsible for parents today to allow a kid the freedom to turn on the tv pretty much any time they want, but in the context of that time period, my parents weren’t irresponsible or neglectful. Just a little indulgent. Kids who have free reign over the remote today will probably NOT “turn out ok.”

So think about it: If I didn’t give this any deliberate thought, I might be of the mindset: “It’s ok for my kids to watch all the tv they want, because I watched it and I turned out ok.” It would feel “normal” to me, based on my upbringing. When Emily and Audra were little, they were as interested in tv as most kids, and I was constantly faced with decisions about how much and what they could watch. But even 20 years ago, we knew that unlimited, unsupervised access to tv is NOT good for kids. This is even more true in 2011, for all the reasons discussed above. In 1990, as well as in 2011, Explorer can be a helpful source of support for parents who want to create a life for their families that does not revolve around tv.

DISCIPLINE

-Even if we were disciplined with punitive methods or spanking, we may want to think carefully about how to set limits with our kids. We will probably choose to learn more positive methods for achieving our goals for teaching our kids self-discipline. But if our default-setting is “Punishment” that’s the direction we will always go when our kids need guidance unless we put deliberate effort into thinking about other options.

FATHERING

-Our dads may have been less involved and more distant, even though they loved us. But times have changed, and most of us don’t want to let our kids grow up with an un-involved dad, so we have to carefully think about and constantly tweak the roles of both parents in our families.

FOOD CHOICES

-Even if I grew up on a lot of Wonder Bread, Oreos, and Koolaid, I am pretty sure I don’t want my kids (or my future grandkids) to grow up with these unhealthy options. And yes, it takes thought and planning to make healthier nutritional decisions for our families.

SAFETY

-Although I survived an “untethered” childhood (car seats and seatbelts were not the norm in the 60’s) it seems VERY irresponsible (as well as illegal) now for parents to drive kids around without making sure they are safely buckled in. Not that there aren’t moments when ALL of us feel tempted to forget the car seat when our toddler arches her back and screams about getting buckled in.

I’m sure you can think of a million things that your parents did well, and that you want to emulate. But I’m equally sure that there are things you want to do differently. In fact, I’m guessing that your parents themselves will tell you a number of things they hope you will do better with their precious grandkids than they did with you! I’m already making a list of these items for when my girls eventually become parents!

The key is to THINK. We can’t run on autopilot all the time, or we risk making some mistakes that could be avoided.

On the other hand, it doesn’t make sense to be paralyzed by fear of making mistakes, or to neglect giving our kids a taste of the best parts of our childhoods. This is where the support of other parents, parenting classes, a good preschool like Explorer, and resources such as good parenting books can help, too. We all help each other to continually re-calibrate our “Normal” setting, and the fact that it changes as we go along is actually a good thing. That’s how we evolve.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. What “Deliberate Parenting” efforts are you engaged in, and why?

Ok, I gotta go. I’m off to stir up a batch of my mom’s chili for my family. That recipe, along with an appreciation for Explorer Preschool, are a couple of the things I do want to DELIBERATELY pass along to my kids and future grandkids.

HAVE YOURSELF AN OPEN-ENDED CHRISTMAS

2010-12-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

Let me be honest: if you offer me a choice between a nice gooey Snickers Bar or a crisp, healthy carrot, most of the time I’m pretty likely to take you up on the candy, and defer the carrot to “later.” And I’m an adult who knows better. But if sugary stuff isn’t one of the choices, I am quite happy with healthy rabbit food. Carrots are yummy, when you’re in the habit of eating them, and when you’re not comparing them to junk food. Besides, I’ve learned by now that I feel better on a diet of good veggies and other healthy things, and I feel worse when I over-indulge in sweets. But still…… if you give me the choice, I don’t always make the decision based on what’s best for me.

Similarly, many of the toys that are currently popular for young children just make me sad. That’s because they are the toy-equivalent of the above-mentioned Snickers Bar: they’re appealing and irresistible, but not nourishing. Many toys have features that immediately catch the eye and appeal to children, and therefore to parents. The challenging thing is to figure out which toys will “feed the brains” and stir the imagination of our kids, and which ones are intellectual junk food.

Here are a few of my “rules of thumb” when thinking about which toys are worth your children’s time. For simplicity, I’ll talk about only two categories: “Good Toys” and “Bad Toys.”

-If it needs batteries, it may be a Bad Toy, unless it’s a tool of some sort like a music player or a flashlight. Batteries mean that it will be producing some sort of action on its own, and therefore is likely to do most of the playing FOR the child, instead of allowing the child to play.

-Does it beep, flash, or make noises? Does it contain a computer chip? Bad Toys often do, because toy designers and sellers obviously think kids are stupid and can’t have fun on their own, without the toy “entertaining” them. Besides, think about how very tired YOU will get of those beeps and noises over time. Do you really need another irritation? Save yourself the anguish: skip the beeping, blinking toy aisle entirely.

-Is it something brand new that you’ve never seen before? Sometimes Bad Toys are exciting because they are new and novel. But think about it: many Good Toys are things that have been part of childhood forever, and will never be trendy, but will also never go out of style. Think about balls, blocks, basic dolls, simple toy cars and animals, etc. Not to mention the very basic playthings like rocks, sand, water, magnets, crayons and paper, and the Good Old Basic Stick or Deluxe Cardboard Box.

-Is it based on a tv show, movie, or video game? Is there a ride somewhere in a faraway theme park based on it? If so, be wary that Bad Toy-ness can be lurking beneath a seemingly innocent façade. When a toy originates with a media character, 90% of the imagining has already been done, by the “professionals.” They even call themselves Imagineers! What 3 year old can compete with that? Most of the time, kids love media-based toys, but it’s clear that their imaginations do not soar to new heights with this type of plaything. They stick to the “script” when playing with this type of toy, and most of the benefits of pretend play are lost. We preschool teachers know that children are the “professionals” when it comes to play, and we look for toys that will be useful tools for their creative minds.

-Can it be used for just one thing, or can it be played with in many ways? Good toys are usually what we in the kid-business call “open-ended.” This means that the child can play with the toy in many different ways, and almost any way the toy is used will benefit the child’s development.

-Would you see this toy at preschool? (Meaning, a GOOD, developmentally appropriate preschool.) If not, maybe we don’t have it at school for a reason. Just like we try to discourage the serving of donuts and M&M’s at the preschool snack table. (Except occasionally to the grownups, when the kids are not looking.)

-Will your child be able to enjoy this toy for at least 3 or 4 years, or will the child become tired of it within weeks? Open ended toys (Good Toys) have a very long kid-life. They never go stale.

-Will it enrich your child’s life, or the toy company’s profits? Good Toys don’t have to be expensive, and you don’t have to have lots of them to have fun. Just as junk food is expensive even though it has little nutritional value, Bad Toys are a waste of money.

-Who are you buying the toy for: your child, or YOU? If your grown-up heart secretly desires the latest electronic beeping, jumping, singing, dancing, hot rod space captain nuclear star wars race car bunny rabbit, go ahead and buy it for yourself. But be sure to stock up on lots of batteries. You’re a grownup, and your brain is already supposedly finished growing. A Bad Toy probably won’t harm your development.

With a little bit of extra thought and strength of character on your part, your child can have a calm, happy, satisfying, growing time this holiday season, and this year’s new toys will follow him or her into many new stages of development in the future. But somebody probably needs to forward this message to Santa and Grandma, because they may not understand your child’s brain as well as you now do.

Ok, time to go raid the Halloween-candy-stash. I’m a grownup, so I can eat what I want, even though I’ll pay for it later. But while I nibble on chocolate, I think I’ll go immerse myself in a good book. Even though it’s really easy and appealing to flip on another episode of my favorite mindless TV show, I know I’ll get more benefits and feel happier in the long run if I give my brain the nourishment that it really needs.

Which reminds me: Good books are the BEST gift for children! But that deserves its own blog post, so we’ll talk about books another time.

CHRONICLES OF A PRESCHOOL TEACHER

2010-11-11T17:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, so indulge me with a little literary license. I’ll make a point by the end, I promise. The following conversation is fictionalized, but loosely based on a composite of many conversations I have every year in my work with parents.

I firmly believe that ALL parents love their children, and MOST parents really do the very best they can with their kids. But I also know how hard it can be, and I admire parents who look for help and answers.

However, see if you can tell me what “attitude problems” the following conversation might reveal. Do you think that possibly, if the parent in this scenario could find a way to meet her own adult needs, and then work on those attitudes, the child-behaviors and overall family atmosphere would improve?

THE FAKE CONVERSATION:

PARENT: “I need some parenting tips. My three-year-old son is driving me crazy.”

TEACHER: “What kinds of things are you wondering about?”

PARENT: “He’s incredibly active, never sits still for a minute. He wears me out!”

TEACHER: “Being extremely active physically is completely age-appropriate. I’d worry about any 3 year old who isn’t! Developmental experts say that ages 3 through 5 are the most physically active humans will ever be throughout their entire lives. But yes, it can be exhausting for parents to keep up with kids this age!”

PARENT: “But….. I don’t know, he’s driving me crazy.”

TEACHER: “Can you tell me some specific things that bother you?”

PARENT: “He never listens! When I tell him to stop doing something he doesn’t stop!”

TEACHER: “What kinds of things do you tell him to stop doing?”

PARENT: “Wiggling at the dinner table, for example. He just won’t sit still.”

TEACHER: “Hmm….. sounds to me like this behavior is very much related to what we talked about a minute ago: a 3-year-old boy’s intense need to move his body. How long is he able to sit still before he starts getting wiggly?”

PARENT: “Only about 10 minutes: just long enough to gobble down his food, then he starts going nuts and he ruins our dinner every single night. His dad and I would like to have a nice relaxing meal.”

TEACHER: “Wow- he’s able to sit still for 10 minutes! That’s a long time for a 3-year-old. What would happen if you let him leave the table when he is finished eating his dinner?”

PARENT: “He would run around the house, getting all the toys out all over again! I always try to clean up the toys before dinner, so I don’t have to do it at bedtime. He would probably dump out all the block or legos. Like I said, he drives me nuts. I worry that something is wrong with him. Do you think he could have ADHD?”

TEACHER: “Maybe you could try leaving out his blocks, and then excusing him from the table to play with them when he is finished with his dinner. Do you think he might play with his blocks while you and your husband finish eating?”

PARENT: “Well…… maybe, but he always wants to interrupt us when we are talking. He would want to tell us about everything he is doing with the blocks. We could really use some peace and quiet.”

TEACHER: “Wow- he likes to talk about his work! It sounds like his language development is really exciting right now!”

PARENT: “Yeah, he talks all the time, but that’s probably what makes me so mad when he won’t do what I say. I know he understands the words. Like when I tell him to clean up his toys, he usually puts 2 or 3 toys in the basket but then he runs off, and I have to clean up after him myself.”

TEACHER: “I’m impressed that a busy, active 3 year old has time to help clean up even 2 or 3 toys! He’s learning a lot about being clean and tidy from your example, but most kids aren’t able to be fully responsible for their belongings until they are much older. What about other aspects of his behavior? For example, how is he with his baby sister?”

PARENT: “It’s cute how he says he loves her, but he won’t stop touching her and patting her. I tell him over and over to leave her alone, and when he doesn’t listen, I tell him it’s naughty to ignore his mom, and that nice boys listen to their parents. But he still wants to stay right next to the baby, and he always brings all the teddy bears and other toys to her. And then like I said, he won’t listen when I tell him to put them away. And when she is napping, he won’t be quiet. I turn on the tv really quietly and tell him to sit still and watch cartoons, but he keeps jumping up off the couch to run around.”

TEACHER: “He sounds like a very loving brother who is trying to be nurturing. And he sounds like a very sweet, normal little boy. I’m wondering about how much time he gets to play outside, or to run and climb at a park or playground. When 3 year olds have plenty of outdoor play, they seem to be able to settle down a little bit more when they go inside.”

PARENT: “Sigh….. I just wish he were still the cute, cuddly little baby he used to be when he was his sister’s age! When he was little, I didn’t have to worry about taking him outside, or worry about his behavior at all. Now I’m always exhausted just because I try to make him do the right things all day long, and half the time, he won’t do what I say.”

Whew….. I’m exhausted too, after this conversation. Imagine what it would be like to be this little boy. His beloved mother is never satisfied with him, even when he tries to help. She always wants him to sit still, but his body just CAN’T.

So tell me: who has the problems? The child or the parent?

Parents often want “tips” and quick-fixes for behaviors that they find difficult in their children. But what about fixing the parents’ expectations first? There is absolutely nothing that improves the (perceived) behavior of young children as much as helping the parent learn about child development. Once a parent has begun learning even a little bit about age-appropriate expectations, the entire atmosphere in a family changes. Frustration, anxiety, and anger can soon be replaced by joy in the child’s ongoing growth, and by the relief that comes from knowing that you’re experiencing normal things that are universal to children and families everywhere. The most important “tip” I could give this mom would be to give her son the time he needs to grow. She seems to want him to be able to behave like an adult, even though he is only three.

Knowledge is power: even a little knowledge of child development can give you the power to relax, and fully appreciate your child’s growth. Equally importantly, it can give you the power to enjoy your role as a parent.

Even though I’m sure that some of you (you know who you are!) were certain I was writing about you, please realize that I try hard to be non-judgmental with all my parents. The parent I was thinking about most when I wrote the above scenario was myself, when my sweet daughters were little. I was the world’s worst when it came to expecting-too-much. Sorry, girls. I loved you very much, but I just didn’t know then what I know now.

But I promised you A POINT, and my main point is this:

Sometimes it’s a good idea to look for the answers within ourselves.

There is no job that requires as much self-reflection as parenting.

IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU

2010-10-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can't believe the things I say to parents in my class at preschool. The other day I told a terrific mom, "It's not all about you, y'know." Her child was screaming about something, and as parents often do, she was sort of taking responsibility for his behavior. She was talking to me about her worries that somehow, it was her "fault" that he screams when he's frustrated.

"It's not all about you." Me and my big mouth: that doesn't sound very professional. But thank goodness, this mom knows me really well and I think she understands the respect that's behind the sarcasm. But let me explain.

What I mean is: Kids are themselves. Period.

Parents are very, very important in helping kids to grow up happy and healthy. Good, earnest parenting is essential, and terribly hard to do. If kids have inadequate nurturing, they usually don't grow up to be happy with themselves, and often find many ways to make other people miserable as well. Parents have many vital roles in the development of children, starting with helping them develop a healthy sense of self, and learn the beginnings of self-regulation. Children NEED loving adults to steer them in the direction of productive lives and fulfilling relationships.

However, as parents, our magical powers are limited. Every child comes into the world as himself or herself. We can't change that underlying personhood, and shouldn't even try. The developmental theorists call this individuality "temperament" and it's been studied extensively. One set of research identifies nine distinct temperament traits that all people have in some degree, and they state that your temperament is the degree to which you possess each of the nine traits. The research shows that our temperament is inborn, and stays with us through our entire life. The person we are as toddler is still the person we will be when we're ninety years old, even if we have learned to hide or suppress it in many ways. Our temperament traits are neither good nor bad, neither positive nor negative. We are who we are, and our temperament is what makes each person unique.

Adults play a vital role in helping kids discover who they are, and learn about their own unique selves. We can often help children learn ways to "smooth the rough edges" of some of their more extreme traits. Parents can help children learn to cope with life, to appreciate themselves for who they are, and to use all their temperament traits in positive ways. A wonderful by-product of all this, is that children can then learn to appreciate the uniqueness in other people.

What adults cannot do is make an intense child into a mild one. Or an active child into a mellow one. Or a persistent child into a compliant one. What we can do is help our kids learn to thrive in spite of frustrations, and gradually learn how to meet their own emotional needs, as well as get along with other people.

In an ideal world, parents, teachers, and all adults who have contact with kids, are patient and ready to help in all situations. But in the un-ideal world in which we live, adults are just as tired, cranky, moody, and irritable as kids, and sometimes even more so. (Of course we are: and who do you think made us that way??) Living with kids can be exhausting, even though we love them dearly. So we CAN'T always do or say the right thing, and thank goodness, we don't have to be perfect. But sometimes we are able to calmly reflect back to children the "self" they are showing us at any moment through their behavior, instead of simply reacting with annoyance to the behavior. This reflecting helps our kids learn how to "be." Even though we can't do it all the time, due to the fact that we are grumpy or tired, the times we are able to do that are Golden Parenting Moments, and have a huge impact. When we're accepting, non-judgmental, and when we observe and listen, we are helping our kids become their best selves.

Your children will fuss, whine, hit, shriek, and cry. It's not your fault. They're not behaving that way because you did anything wrong. And by the way, you don't deserve all the credit for those moments when they are behaving beautifully and make you proud. Well, ok, you can pat yourself on the back a little, but the truth is that the child is the one responsible for his or her behavior. Some children happen to feel compelled to do more of the negative things than others, especially in the toddler years, and this is usually due to their inborn temperament. No biggie. Gradually they will outgrow most of these behaviors and learn better ways of coping, as they gain experiences with other people and with their own emotions. Your guidance and example will help. But you can't give them short-cuts through the learning process.

"It's not all about you." Jeeeezz.... I gotta be careful how I talk to parents. I'd hate to jeopardize my high-status gig as a preschool teacher! But sometimes I pack a lot of meaning into just a few words, and those words don't come out the way I intend. Thank goodness I have parents in my classes who give me the benefit of the doubt, and let me get away with it. But then, it's not all about me, is it?

NURTURESHOCK PARENT STUDY GROUP

2010-10-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

The book, NurtureShock, is an eye-opener! Each chapter is full of well-researched, meaningful, and surprising information. All parents will find that NutureShock contains information to ponder, as well as ideas that they will want to implement with their children TODAY.

For those of you who find that the best way to enjoy a book and to absorb interesting material is through discussion, you may want to consider signing up for my Nurture Shock Parent Study Group.

We will be meeting at my home every other Wednesday evening, for four sessions, starting next week, October 20. The fee is $65 per family and one or both parents may attend. During these four evenings, we will discuss NurtureShock chapter by chapter.

Please pass this information on to anyone you know who may be interested.

For more information, or to sign up, contact me at Annie@TeacherAnnie.com

THE LONG, LONG LEARNING CURVE

2010-10-07T09:09:00.001-07:00

If I decide to learn something that’s rather inconsequential, such as how to use a new feature on my phone, for example, it doesn’t take long. Well, compared to how fast my kids adapt to new technology all the time, I guess I’m kind of slow. But within a few minutes, I can master a new simple widget, for the most part. Piece of cake.

But that’s just for the easy stuff. Learning the important lessons in life is harder and takes WAY longer.

I remember when Emily was three and we signed up for the parent participation preschool. I had high hopes and shining ideals as a young parent. I expected this to be a wonderful experience, and anticipated many fulfilling moments as Emily and I experienced “teachable moments” together.

Unfortunately, the first few months in this new endeavor were not exactly as rewarding as I had hoped. When I look back on that time, I still feel the deep frustration that I seemed to be experiencing constantly. Poor me. It was hard. I imagine it was hard for Emily too.

Emily was not at an easy stage at that time, and she readily shared her frustrations with me. She went in and out of “separation anxiety,” or whatever you call it when a three year old gets upset when Mom leaves. Starting school that year, she loved Teacher Diane immediately. (It would have been hard not to: Diane was wonderful.) But every time I was supposed to drop her off at school, she screamed and fussed and I felt like the only parent who had a child with “issues.”

Even worse, on the days it was my turn to stay at school and work in the classroom, Emily was like a very loud and incredibly irritating ball and chain. She wouldn’t leave my side, and she hung on me, cried, whined, and made it almost impossible for me to do my job or interact with the other children. I began to dread school days. To add to the chaos, Audra was about 13 months old at the time, and was also fussy.

After a few weeks of constant struggle, I was ready to give up. But then, I would talk to other moms who had older kids or who had already been through this type of thing. They encouraged me to hang in there, and insisted that things would get better. Teacher Diane and Teacher Konne both informed me that I would soon find that the struggle was well worth it. So we stayed, and I persisted in my duties as a preschool mom, even though I wasn’t a very happy or effective one. I hoped that my inability to function and my daughter’s annoying behaviors weren’t ruining the experiences of other kids and parents in the school.

Further conversations with the teachers began to give me more inspiration and hope. I remember when Konne told me that I was giving my daughter a very important message when I hung in there even when she fussed and clung to me at school. She said I was conveying to her that her education is so important that I will stick with it, even when she makes it frustrating. Konne taught me that it was very important for my child to see that I could be more persistent than she was when it came to something important. But honestly, even though I believed all this in a cognitive sense, I was still in a very emotional place, and continued to struggle for quite awhile.

But then, magically, things did gradually begin to improve. (Now I know that it wasn’t magic. It was helpful mentoring that made the difference.) Towards the end of the first year in the preschool I began to understand what we would have missed if I had given up months ago. And I was able to reflect back over the year and see real growth in myself and in my kids. (Yes, even the little sister was benefiting from all these experiences.)

The learning continued into the next year and the next. In spite of normal ups and downs, and inevitable frustrations, I found myself KNOWING that I was learning and growing in important ways, and I was equally firm in my knowledge that my kids were gaining lifelong learning from our preschool experiences Gradually, Emily and I both began to really enjoy preschool. We both began to look forward eagerly to school days instead of dreading them.

I had felt so impatient in those first months. I wanted to learn it all NOW. I wanted to rush through the hard parts, and get on to the fun. But guess what: that’s not how learning works. At least not when you’re learning some really important things. I understand this now, because 20 years of parenting and teaching since then have given me many educational experiences, and this lesson has been reinforced over and over.

The most important things take the longest to learn. Patience is often hard to come by, but will always pay off when we find the strength and persistence to allow our learning to unfold over time.

Now my girls are young adults and I still see in them many reasons to be thankful for and appreciative of the wonderful start they had at preschool. They will always be curious, self-motivated learners, and I credit their first teachers for helping them begin down that exciting path.

I’m just glad I didn’t give up. Waiting it out was worth the struggle. Learning takes time.

BE-AN-ANIMAL-DAY 2010

2010-10-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

October is here. Time to think of Fall, and all the special celebrations that are coming up soon. I’m strongly suggesting to my 1’s and 2’s parents that for “costume day” this year, right before Halloween, we make it Animal Day. Everyone dresses up as an animal!

Costume Day isn’t a big deal for toddlers, because really, when you’re 1 or 2, every day that you put on clothes is sort of a "costume day" already. But sometimes Costume Day can be a big deal to parents, who remember the fun and excitement of Halloween costumes when they were children, and who want to participate in this tradition with their own kids. These little ones may or may not want to wear something other than their regular school clothes, but they enjoy seeing some of the other children, the teacher, and the parents playing dress-up!

So why is Teacher Annie messing with all this fun and suggesting that we only dress as animals on Costume Day? I have several reasons.

Why I Want Your Child To Dress As An Animal On Costume Day At School:

-It’s more creative, and therefore, more fun! One of the main things I’m trying to help your child avoid is dressing up as a character from tv or movies. These characters are very popular, but this type of costumes allows for no creativity. A child pretending to be a spider (and wearing a spider costume) has innumerable ways they can play and pretend. Their imagination can soar and they can stretch their minds in new ways. But a child wearing a Spiderman costume has very little pretending to do. They are limited to the script that comes from the movie/tv show/video game. They know from watching the show what Spidey does and what he does not do. Children seldom branch out from the scripts that the media gives them, when it comes to role-playing and pretending about media-based characters. I was talking to a parent in one of the older classes the other day, and she had been assigned to help the children “write” (dictate) stories. She said that the main stories children were telling her were about the Disney Princesses, Dora, and other well-known characters from movies and tv. The stories all followed the script of the shows, and the characters did not deviate from the role that the Disney (or other) creators had assigned them. So children were not engaging in creative thinking at all, but rather just repeating and reciting stories they had seen on tv. Remember what we all read last year in Taking Back Childhood? (Talk to me if you are new to our school or want to know more about this very insightful book.)

-Children love animals! They identify very strongly with them. It’s easy for young children to imagine themselves as a horse, a cat, or a bluebird. In interactions with real or pretend animals, children learn empathy and social skills.

-Language development! Animal play lends itself well to language development. As children talk about, learn about, and pretend about animals, they are first very inclined to make the sounds that animals make, and then they move on from there to learning about other aspects of language.

-Literacy! Animals offer many opportunities for literacy development as well. There are millions of excellent books about animals, both fiction and non-fiction.

-Science! Pretending about animals leads to a curiosity about science and the natural world. Once you’ve dressed up as a ladybug, you want to find out more about what it’s really like to be one.

-Lots of options! There are thousands of animals to choose from! And even if your child isn’t the only dog on Costume Day, every dog will be different.

-Parent-Friendly! Animal costumes can be very simple or very elaborate, allowing for the parent to choose how much time, money, and creativity they wish to put into it. You can be a rabbit with some paper ears and a cotton ball for a tail. Or you can go all out and order the $50 peacock costume online. Neither one of these is better, cuter, or more desirable than the other. And your child will quite likely have more fun in the cheap-bunny costume than in the expensive one.

-Happy, not scary! Traditional Halloween characters can be scary for toddlers. They can be scared of witches, skeletons, and ghosts, because at this age they still don’t have a very solid idea of where to draw the line between pretend and real. It’s ridiculous to think about having a day that is supposed to be for the kids to have fun, but instead, making them frightened.

So, help me create Costume Day at school this year, and walk, talk, and dress like a duck or any other animal. We’ll all have a wonderful, child-centered day.

I stole this great idea from Teacher Jackie, who borrowed it from some other teacher. Hmmmm...... I wonder what animal Jackie will be?

My daughters no longer let me “dress them up,” but unless my dogs, Gretchen and Timothy, protest too loudly we will be enjoying Animal Day at my house this year, for sure!

WHO'S THE BOSS?

2010-09-08T17:12:00.000-07:00

Don’t let their tiny size, cherubic faces, and sweet voices fool you: toddlers really like to be in charge. This is as it should be: they are in the middle of working on developing their sense of self, their personal identity, and their understanding of themselves as a separate person from mom or dad. But admit it: the bossiness can be pretty annoying to even the most patient parent.

It’s hard to understand the best response when a toddler wants to control you. Good parents try to be good listeners, and they want to empower their children. We also like to make our children happy as much as possible. And honestly, the extreme bossiness kind of sneaks up on you. It starts when your child is an adorable baby, just learning to walk and talk. No one minds being ordered around by a 12-month old: he is just so cute you are completely in his power. But before you know it, that darling baby is a big bossy kid who is capable of throwing the biggest fits you ever saw, if you don’t give them their favorite sippy cup or if you can’t let them play with your keys.

Is there any way to prevent this? Or to somehow empower your child, while not becoming a slave to her whims? Well, like everything else in parenting, there are no easy answers.

I just have one tried and tested “rule of thumb” that seems to work fairly well:

When you feel that perhaps you are being manipulated, you probably are.

When children are in a position to control and manipulate adults, it’s bad for everyone. The adult becomes resentful and grumpy, and suffers from a sense of helplessness. A child who has been granted too much power becomes insecure and fussy, as well as very unlikable. They need to know that WE are in charge, because deep down they know that they are not qualified to run the show. With only a couple of years of life-experience behind them, they simply aren’t ready for world dominion yet..

So how can you be an in-charge parent, while still offering your child some appropriate autonomy?

It helps a lot if you ask yourself, “What can I let my child control?” and “What are some examples of appropriate power for my child right now?” Some examples might be:

Some examples of appropriate power for a toddler:

-“Do you want to brush your teeth BEFORE your bath, or AFTER?”

-“Which one of these two shirts would you like to wear?”

-“It will be time for a diaper change (or potty break) in a couple of minutes. Finish a little bit more of your play and then we’ll take care of it. Tell me when you’re ready.” (And if they don’t take this opportunity to choose their time, YOU go ahead and do it for them.)

Some examples of inappropriate power for this age:

-“Is it ok if Mommy and Daddy go out?”

-“Do you want to go to school?”

-“Ok, I won’t talk if you don’t want me too.”

Or….. think about that too-familiar scenario in which the family is held hostage while a toddler changes her mind six times about which outfit to wear, or which favorite plate to eat dinner from.

There’s a fine line between being a caring, respectful adult and a good listener, and giving away too much adult power. It’s hard to find the right balance. But parenting is all about balance. Sure, they’ll fuss about it when you first begin to take back some appropriate parental power, but under the surface, they are actually relieved

So here’s your cheat-sheet to use as a reminder:

“If I feel as if I am being manipulated, I probably am.”

“What are some choices that are appropriate for my child at this stage of development?”

“It’s ok if my child is unhappy with me.”

Thinking about these three simple things can really help you focus on your long-range goals as a parent. It’s great to let our little ones gradually become the “boss of themselves” but it’s just not a good idea to let them control the rest of the world. Not yet. There is plenty of time for your toddler to hone those “leadership skills,” on her way to becoming a powerful CEO, a senator, or a terrific parent like you!

JUST 3 MORE DAYS

2010-07-28T11:38:00.000-07:00

I’m usually pretty careful to guard against using dog-analogies when talking about parenting or child development. But once in awhile, I just have to.

K.J. and I were talking about our dogs the other day. She was talking about her aging dog Fabby’s puppyhood, and how difficult it had been at times. I sympathized, having just recently survived Gretchen’s youth. I hate to say it, but I’d be hard pressed to say which is harder: raising a human baby or a training a puppy.

Anyway…… K.J. said that at one point during the first six months, she was extremely sleep-deprived due to her efforts to crate-train the puppy. I could relate to this. I remember well those exhausting nights a couple of years ago, hoping to help Gretchen feel secure enough eventually to sleep on her own, by sleeping with my hand in her puppy-crate next to the bed all night. Gretchen was able to settle down finally, because she could cuddle against my warm hand. But it’s a little hard to get a good night’s sleep with your hand hanging out of bed and into the dog crate. Every time I moved an inch, she would wake up and howl, and we’d have to start all over again. I was determined to stick to the plan, but it was an incredibly tiring and difficult process. K.J. also talked about how hard it was when puppy-Fabby was still chewing on everything, as well as peeing and pooping in all the wrong places about every ten minutes. I remember all this with Gretchen, also, and have no idealism about ever again having a “cute little puppy” to raise, although there’s truly nothing to compare with the joy of puppy-kisses. Their adorable-ness and devotion is how they suck you in!

K.J. told me how one morning she took Fabby for a walk after another nearly-sleepless night. She sat down on a park bench, exhausted and dispirited. She was ready to give up. Why was she doing this to herself? This was not a human baby, it was a dog. It was OPTIONAL. She was ready to admit defeat, and was realizing that she was on the verge of taking the puppy back to the breeder. Her exhaustion, frustration, and sadness showed on her face as she sat there. Even the puppy looked discouraged, I imagine. After awhile, an older gentleman sat down on the bench next to her and starting petting the dog. He looked at her and said, “You’re ready to give up, aren’t you?” She said that she was indeed, just about to her breaking point with this whole puppy-thing. He made sympathetic noises, and said he understood very well.

Then the man said, “But listen: just hang in there three more days.” He promised K.J. that she was currently, at this very moment, experiencing the worst of it. Within three days, things would begin to turn around. She would see the light at the end of the tunnel very soon. If she gave up now, she would have gone through a lot of frustration for nothing, and that both she and the puppy would grieve for each other. “Please try to hold on for three more days, and then you’ll see,” he implored.

K.J. thought about this, and about the fact that she had wanted a dog for years and years. Finally getting a dog had been the long-deferred fulfillment of a life-long dream. She is a tenacious person, not easily discouraged, so she resolved to stick with it for three more days, but NO MORE. Fabby looked up at her with big “I’ll be good” eyes, but K.J. wasn’t optimistic. She was too tired to be hopeful.

Lo and behold, the next day, things started to get better. Fabby only had a couple of potty-accidents, and showed great joy several times in pleasing mom by pottying in the right place at the right time. At bedtime, instead of crying for hours, Fabby howled in her crate for only 10 minutes and then settled down and went to sleep.

Woo-hoo! Three magical ingredients (puppy brain-development, appropriate training methods, and patience) were all beginning to come together at last!

The second day, things improved still further. By the third and fourth days, even though life with a puppy was still not a piece of cake, K.J. was convinced that she had the world’s best dog.

Boy, does all this sound familiar! I remember when my girls were little, we went through one “crisis” after another: excessive crying, not sleeping, whining, fighting with sister, ongoing separation anxiety, etc. And every time, just when I got to the point where I thought I couldn’t stand the frustration for another minute, things began to slowly improve. Sometimes, I was fortunate enough to bump into my own version of K.J.’s dog-man, someone who encouraged me to hang in there. Eternal thanks go to those blessed preschool teachers Konne and Diane, and to my mom, and to friends like Denise.

In spite of my exhaustion, I did gradually learn the priceless lesson that things are often at their worst right before they get better.

That’s what human development is all about: experiencing a developmental crisis, and then allowing the frustration of this crisis to propel you into the next new level of growth.

Think about how frustrated your baby must feel right before she takes those first steps. It must seem to her that she will NEVER learn to walk. But then…. energized by the frustration and the anguish of limited mobility, she keeps pushing herself, and all of a sudden, her feet seem to have a mind of their own!

I’ve seen this principle at work dozens and dozens of times over the years with families in my programs: parents who are at their wits’ end find that the day AFTER the worst-day-of-their-parenting-career-so-far, things get better. We just have to hang in there, keep on doing the best we can, and have faith that eventually our efforts will show results.

Thank goodness K.J. didn’t give up on Fabby that day: the two of them have been inseparable for all these years, and now that Fabby is entering Old Doghood, K.J. can’t imagine how life would have been without her.

Thank goodness, K.J. stumbled, bleary-eyed out of the house and made her way to the park bench that day, and that the dog-guy saw that she was on the verge of giving up. Most importantly, thank goodness she was willing to trust that what he said might be true.

Maybe someone reading this today will hang on to their sanity and their faith in their child for a couple more days. I hope I can be someone’s “dog-guy,” and give them the little bit of strength and hope they need. If you’re that person, write me a "comment" and tell me about it!

Besides, with kids, what choice do we have but to hang on? It’s frowned upon when people take their kids back to the hospital for a refund.

TRUST VS. MISTRUST

2010-07-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

“Trust me.” Call me skeptical, but I hate it when people say that. Trust must be earned. And once it’s earned, the trusted person has to behave in a trustworthy manner, or the trust will be lost.

Trust is the foundation. It under-girds everything that happens in our lives. We need to learn trust very early in life. Having the capacity to trust makes us capable of successful relationships of all types, and is the foundation of our sense of self.

Erik Erikson theorized that people go through a number of psycho-social stages in life. During each stage, we have a “dilemma” to solve. The very first stage, according to Erikson, happens from the moment we’re born until around our first birthday. He calls this stage Trust vs. Mistrust.

During our infancy, we are helpless, and depend on someone for everything we need. This gives us many opportunities to discover whether our world is trustworthy and safe, or if it is a scary and dangerous place, full of people that are not to be trusted. When infants are treated with love, warmth, and respect, and when their needs are met consistently and promptly, they easily resolve their first psycho-social dilemma by making the decision to TRUST.

Then, around the time they are one year old, they are ready to begin tackling Erikson's 2^nd dilemma: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt. If they have successfully mastered Trust vs. Mistrust during infancy, they are then able to go into this second developmental stage with confidence and optimism, and to have a much greater chance of successfully resolving it. Erikson also theorized that his stages are foundational: each stage lays the foundation for the next one. If the previous stages are shaky and precarious, it will be harder to build a solid psychological structure in the current stage. Each stage builds on the foundation of the stages that came before. But of course, we never completely finish our work on any of the dilemmas, but continue to re-visit them over and over as we collect life experiences that either reinforce or challenge our beliefs.

Erikson’s ideas make a lot of sense to me. I reflect on this every day in my work with children and parents. I've been immersed in this, and other important and universally accepted theories of human development for the last few months, as I've been teaching several sections of basic child development. The more I teach about the theories, the more I learn about them. And the more I know, the more I see child development principles in living form at preschool and in my own family.

I think back to my own early childhood. I know that my mom and dad prioritized my care, and the care of my older brother, above everything else. When I was a baby, I know I was held, rocked, walked at all hours, and fiercely loved from the moment I was born. I have had the privilege of growing up in the cozy nest of trust that my parents helped me build during that first year, by consistently meeting my needs and by always sharing their warm feelings openly.

I also know that my parents trusted others to help care for me. In my baby book I found pages of hand-written notes, placed there by my mom, which document my first few weeks of life, with notations of every time I ate, slept, or had a diaper change, around the clock. (Apparently I was a bit fussy. So out of character...... ha ha....) The thing that warmed my heart when I discovered this baby-journal several years ago is the fact that I recognized lots of different handwriting in it. I saw Grandma’s and Grandpa’s writing, along with aunts and uncles, as well as mom and dad. Everyone pitched in and helped me get a start in life, after a rocky beginning due to rh incompatibility. (Not long after I was born, medical science created treatments for this problem, and now It’s almost completely preventable or treatable. But in 1959, it was life-threatening.) I saw that Mom and Dad not only worked together to take care of me and my brother, but they also trusted other people to help. I still remember the names of the doctors who cared for me during infancy: they were the main characters in the family legends that I was told over and over.

My mom and dad also wrote in the hastily-scribbled baby-feeding journal silly and cute little facts and notations about my brother, who was two. He wasn’t old enough to help much, but he was there, a part of the team. I remember hearing stories about how he tried to help, and about his protective two-year-old love for his baby sister.

As I grew, the circle of trust widened: When I was three, and experienced my first separation anxieties when dropped off at Sunday School for an hour, my Mom made it clear to me by her words and her actions that she trusted the Sunday School teacher to take good care of me until she came back. I will never forget the names and the love of my first grade teacher, and every other teacher I had in my first school years. Again, my parents conveyed to me their trust in these teachers, and I absorbed those messages.

All of these experiences served to reinforce my feelings of trust, and my belief in the goodness of the world. Having the ability to trust has allowed me to be a hopeful and optimistic person, and to be able to relate to others with respect and love throughout my entire life. It is a very basic underpinning that has made me “Me.”

My parents were wonderful, but they were not super-heroes: they just gave me good, basic loving care. They loved me the way they had been loved by their parents. Many babies experience this level of trustworthy care. But, unfortunately, around the world, and in our community, many, many do not.

It’s also troubling to me that many children who have very loving and responsive parents are, unfortunately, receiving the message from their parents that most other people in the world are suspect. “You can trust me, but no one else can meet your needs” is the message that some parents convey to their child, and the same message of mistrust may be directed equally toward total strangers or trustworthy teachers, caregivers, friends, or relatives. The message comes through loud and clear to children, whether it is communicated through words or actions.

Children are building their lifelong foundations when they are little. Most of these foundations are built through the values and feelings that we communicate to them, through what we do as well as what we say. Teaching our children to trust is the first, and perhaps the most important, gift we can give them. Children build happy and productive lives upon the cornerstone of trust.

DO-OVERS

2010-07-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. My daughters are perfect just the way they are. I mean that. They're almost grown up now, and they are turning out well in spite of my many parenting mistakes. If I had done things a lot differently when they were little, they may not be the amazing young women they are today. Who knows?

But on the other hand, I am aware that I did a lot of stupid things back then. I know I was doing the best I could do at the time, but looking back at those years sometimes I sort of shake my head and wonder what I was thinking. For example, I always tried so hard to get them to dress in matching sister-dresses for special occasions. They weren't thrilled with this and let me know it, but I was so into silly things like this that I sometimes bribed them to get them to dress up in cute outfits so I could take pictures. Now I am pretty sure I would let go of things like that, and realize that all little kids are gorgeous no matter how they're dressed.

I have learned a whole lot of things about kids in the last 20 years or so. Here are a few other things that I think I would do differently if I could rewind the clock to 1987:

-No TV. My kids didn't watch a lot of TV. Even back then I realized it wasn't the best thing for them. But still, I let them watch a lot more than they needed. Now I know that screen time is a vacation from brain development. And I also understand a lot more about the brainwashing that happens through advertising, even on kids' channels. (Especially on kids' channels!)

-Let go. Now I think I understand a little better how to let go of things that used to make me crazy and stressed: like what other parents thought of me, what my house looked like, and other things that really don't matter very much.

-Take care of myself. From this vantage point, I can now see that the stress I felt when the girls were little was mostly self-induced. I didn't know enough to realize that not taking mommy-breaks when I needed them was hurting my kids even more than myself. I really didn't need a lot back then: I wouldn't have wanted spa weekends or anything extravagant. But I definitely needed short daily breaks to read a book or go for a walk. I usually just ignored my rising blood pressure and increasingly short fuse, and kept trudging through my days. Of course, the result of this was that my kids had to deal with a mom who was cranky and "on her last nerve" a lot. Sorry, girls.

-No guilt. Take it from the Queen Of Mom Guilt: indulging in this feeling gets you nowhere, and it's all too easy to pass it on to the next generation.

-Lower my standards. Or at least figure out which parts of parenting are really worth putting lots of effort into.

-Raise my standards. I would re-prioritize laughter, down-time, and fun and make sure they're much higher on the to-do list every day.

-Read. I read to my kids a lot, as all good moms do. But during those years I let go of my own love for reading. When I did read books, they were, naturally, parenting books. I now know that in order to be sane, functional, and fully present for those around me, I need to be in the middle of at least one good book at all times. (Preferably a book that is not particularly good for me. ) I made a rule about 10 years ago that I would NOT read anything just because I thought I SHOULD read it. I've pretty much stuck to that rule, and I'm a happier and more relaxed person. Paradoxically, I'm more productive as well. (Konne taught me this, and I thank her for that.)

-Get a dog. Now that my two little mutts rule the house, I realize that this family has been needing a dog the whole time!

I'm sure there are a few more changes I would make, but that's all water under the bridge now. But oh well, I can always test my ideas when I become a Nana in a few years!

IT'S REWARDING

2010-03-07T15:49:00.000-08:00

The other day, I had a fascinating conversation with several Together Time moms about the topic of “praise vs. encouragement.” (This reminded me of a previous blog post: “Say Anything,” from August 2, 2009.) That conversation left all of us with a lot to think about. Sometimes it seems that it’s very counter-intuitive to avoid being the world’s peppiest cheerleader as a way of motivating our kids. But according to many experts, and according to my own long experience, the type of feedback that helps kids feel both encouraged and motivated is very different from the “Awesome!” or “Good job!” that rolls so easily off the tongues of many positive parents.

Why is this so true? One of these terrific moms said that she always gives a lot of excited attention to her toddler’s interest in letters and numbers because she “wants her child to love learning.” But somehow, as we sat there discussing this, we all agreed that it seems that excessive cheerleading usually tends to have the opposite effect.

One of the moms came back to school the following week with the excellent book, Positive Discipline For Preschoolers by Dr. Jane Nelsen. She said she had been thinking all week about our discussion and had been reading about this topic in the book. She reminded me that in this book, Dr. Nelsen describes a good way to determine if your responses to your kids fall into the “encouragement” category, or are actually well-disguised praise, and therefore less helpful.

Dr. Nelsen says that if you can only use your comment with this child at this time in this situation, then it is specific enough to be considered ENCOURAGEMENT. If your words are multi-purpose and could be spoken to any child in any situation, then it’s just fluffy, useless praise. Hmm…. so it sounds like one component in high-quality encouragement is specificity, and another important ingredient is authenticity along with your undivided attention. You can’t give specific feedback when you’re just not paying attention.

I’m as needy as anyone, when it comes to encouragement. Thinking back over the years, some of the best “compliments” I’ve ever gotten, and the ones that have stuck with me the longest, are extremely specific and unique to my skills and qualities. For example, a “fan” (whom I happen to be married to) recently told me that he enjoyed reading my blog because the ideas made sense and the writing was clear and fun to read.

This comment made me jump for joy for many reasons. It made me happy and motivated me to write more because he reflected my own desires for my writing: I had been trying hard to make my writing clear as a bell, and to make sure that I only write about concepts that will “make sense” to parents. The other reason this was an especially yummy compliment is that this guy of mine does not often fall all over himself handing out compliments at all. Positive feedback from him, I’ve learned after several decades, is somewhat rare, but completely heartfelt. If he says it, he means it. How might I feel if he routinely said, “you’re great,” “your’re the best,” or “love the blog?” Those words would have little meaning to me because he could say them at just about any time without telling me the specifics of what he loves about the writing or of why I’m “the best” in his eyes. But since the positive comments he offered were authentic and specific, I could then see myself in a new way: as a person whose clear writing makes sense!

Applying these ideas to the accomplishments of toddlers, some examples of meaningful ENCOURAGMENT come to mind. Try putting yourself in the sneakers of a toddler and ask yourself how these statements would make you feel:

“You washed your hands all by yourself! And you remembered to turn off the faucet. Thanks!”

“You used a lot of different colors in your painting.”

“I watched you when you were drawing and I saw that you were working very hard.”

“You are learning to write your name. That must feel really good for you.”

“It looks like you felt your picture needed one last patch of red right there!”

“I can see that you’re ready to get rid of the diapers now and wear underwear all the time! How does that feel?”

“Last week you couldn’t hop on one foot, but now you can! You’re learning new things every day.”

“Thank you for feeding the dog. She appreciates the food and she knows you care about her.”

“You are painting with big brush strokes, and your sister is making her picture with dots. It’s interesting how art is different for everyone.”

“You have a big smile! It looks like you feel very good about learning to hang from the monkey bars by yourself.”

“It’s so helpful when you take your dishes to the kitchen.”

“When your block tower fell down, you just built it right back up again!”

If you compare the effect of these honest statements to the way it feels to hear “Awesome!” many times every day, I think you’ll have to agree that the specific statements offer much more useful information and just plain feel better. We all love knowing that someone is blessing us with their presence and paying close attention to us. High-quality encouragement makes that abundantly clear.

So….. if you find that this post “makes sense” and that the writing is “clear,” you can thank my biggest fan. His specific encouragement helps me feel like writing. Having him as my ever-present Tech Support Department helps a lot too. Thanks, Hon.

CHANGING THE WORLD

2010-03-02T13:20:00.000-08:00

I've been yelling about this for years:
Parent education could change the world!
Maybe you've heard me.

In my humble opinion, most of the world's most difficult problems could eventually be solved if ALL children were raised in environments that nurtured all aspects of their development. Well-nurtured children grow up to be productive, contributing adults. They're ready to be people who solve problems, create new ideas, and change the world through whatever work their gifts, passions, and interests lead them toward.

However, most children will not have the optimum environment for growing if their parents do not have support, education, encouragement, and help along the way. I will tell you from my own experiences as a mom: good parenting is learned, not innate. Most of us do not come into parenting already having the natural instincts to get it all "right." As an educator, I've found that good parents are those who make a deliberate effort to learn about their children's development, and then try use that knowledge every day in real life with their children.

Another "annie-ism" you may have heard from me:
The first three years are the most important stage of life.
Infancy and toddlerhood lay the foundation for everything else!

More and more scientific research is being done all the time that confirms both of my convictions. The most current brain research continues to prove that the earliest experiences create neural pathways which will be used throughout life, and that PARENTS are the most important people to provide the right experiences.

Last week, I heard a great audio story on one of my favorite NPR programs, This American Life. It talked about a program called Baby College, which is a parent education program for parents in impoverished neighborhoods in New York. Baby College is part of a very successful comprehensive program that works with families from pregnancy through adolescence to help break the cycles of poverty. An emphasis is placed on "a culture of success." Parents are taught ways to help their children succeed at all stages of childhood and to plan for college and a career.

Check out the Baby College program:
http://www.hcz.org/programs/early-childhood#baby

This American Life Episode 364: Going Big. Act One. Harlem Renaissance:
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=364

I observe it every day: the power of good parenting.
I'm not saying perfect parenting. Good is good enough and effort counts.
But in order to be good parents, everyone needs help, support, and information.

EYE ON THE PRIZE

2010-02-07T20:32:00.000-08:00

“Stop whining!”

“No more fighting!”

“Don’t spill your milk!”

Pretty typical parent-ese, right? But think about it…. When you are saying “Stop whining!” you are putting the emphasis on WHINING. The main focus in the command, “No more fighting!” is the very child-intriguing concept of “FIGHTING.” And, what toddler could resist the great idea to “SPILL YOUR MILK,” conveniently forgetting to listen to the “Don’t” that preceded it in the sentence?

In other words, have you noticed that children usually respond to these “don’ts” by doing exactly what you don’t want them to do? How could they help it when you brought those interesting activities to their attention so effectively? They might not have even thought of them until you brought them up! Great ideas!

Its not easy to figure out how to avoid these sentences and commands that invite bad behavior. But I was thinking…..to shoot a free throw, you have to keep your eye on the rim. To hit a baseball, you keep your eye on the ball. When you shoot a bow and arrow, you keep your eye glued to the target, and most certainly do NOT let your eye wander to all the places you do not want the arrow to end up. And, to help your child reach a goal of appropriate or helpful behavior, you need to keep your eye on the goal, and stop paying attention to (and talking about) the old behavior that you’re trying to decrease.

When you focus on the negative, you are assuring that you will only achieve negative results. But when you turn your attention instead to your goal, the entire focus and atmosphere changes to one of productivity, growth, and cooperation.

“I can understand your words better when you use a quiet, clear voice.”

This simple statement is much more effective at helping a child gradually give up a whining habit, because it gives the child as well as the adult a positive behavior target to shoot for: speaking in a quiet, clear voice.

“Let’s work together to figure out ways you can both get what you need.”

This is a positive way to help children begin to replace nonproductive fighting with useful problem-solving.

Thinking and speaking this way takes practice. Face it, we don’t always live in a positive world. The world around us often operates with the focus on the negative. But over time you can learn to use these skills, and you’ll see a very positive result.

If improving our golf, tennis, or basketball game is worth our time and attention, certainly we can also devote our energy to learning to focus on positive behavior when we speak with our children!

WHAT CAN I SAY?

2010-01-30T09:10:00.000-08:00

INSTEAD OF SAYING NO, TRY:

USING POSITIVE LANGUAGE

“You can throw the ball outside.”

BEING A ROLE MODEL

“Here. I’ll share this toy with you.”

SETTING FIRM BOUNDARIES WHEN NEEDED

“I will not let you hurt other people.”

TEACHING SKILLS

“Try asking your brother for a turn.”

PROVIDING OTHER WAYS OF COPING

“Want to read a book with me while you’re waiting for a turn?”

RESPECTING FEELINGS

“I can tell that you are very upset right now.”

GIVING INFORMATION

“Pets are animals that need a gentle touch.”

STAYING CLOSE WHEN NEEDED

“I will be right here to help you play with your friends.”

GIVING APPROPRIATE CHOICES

“Would you like to brush your teeth before your bath, or after?”

OBSERVING, AND HELPING BEFORE A PROBLEM STARTS

“I’ll help put some toys away so there’s more room to play.”

HELPING CHILDREN LEARN EMPATHY

“I can see that both of you love doing puzzles!”

POINTING OUT THE EMOTIONAL CUES OF OTHERS

“When you look at his face, can you tell what he’s feeling?”

PROVIDING MANY WAYS OF EXPRESSION

“Would you like to draw a picture or build a sand sculpture about how sad you feel?”

PROVIDING VOCABULARY

“It looks like you might be feeling frustrated.”

UNDERSTANDING THAT CHILDREN NEED TO MOVE

“Let’s run to the playground!”

INVOLVING CHILDREN IN IMPORTANT JOBS

“I need some help with these heavy water bottles!”

PROVIDING COMFORT

“You can sit here with me for awhile if you want.”

UNDERSTANDING A CHILD’S DEVELOPMENT

“Mom and I are still eating but you’re finished. Would you like to be excused to play with your toys now?”

BEING POLITE

“Thank you for sharing your snack with me.”

OFFERING SIMPLE SENSORY AND ART EXPERIENCES EVERY DAY

“It looks like working with the clay helped you feel better.”

BEING PATIENT- LEARNING TAKES TIME

“I can tell that you are working hard to wait politely for a turn.”

ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

“How could we make that work?”

LETTING CHILDREN SOLVE PROBLEMS

“What do you think we can do about this?”

HAVING AGE-APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS

“We’ll go shopping another day when you’re not tired.”

HEY READERS:

Add your own examples (and success stories) as comments below! I’d love to read them, and so would everyone else. We all learn from each other.

AMANDA

2009-11-29T19:23:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been almost a year since Amanda's tragedy. Amanda is a sweet teenager in our church. I've known her since she was a little girl. When I was the children's choir director a few years ago, Amanda was always the most enthusiastic singer, always thrilled with everything we sang. Every Sunday Amanda bounded up to me to share her excitement about learning to play a musical instrument, getting a part in a school play, or learning a new song. She loved music, loved life, loved people of all ages, and loved herself. Amanda sparkled.

A year ago next week, Amanda tried to take her own life. She was depressed and distraught because of peer pressure and emotional aggression that had been occurring at school for quite awhile. I guess she felt there was no way out.

Now, Amanda suffers from acute brain damage from this suicide attempt. She is unable to communicate, and needs constant physical care. She is surrounded by loving family and friends all the time, and is cared for in a group home. But the emotional abuse that she suffered has taken its toll, and changed her life and the lives of her family forever.

Why do children and teens behave aggressively toward each other? What can we do about it? Better yet, what should we be doing to prevent it?

The excellent book, Taking Back Childhood, by Nancy Carlsson-Paige, argues that exposure to violence in the media changes the life-expectations and brain structure of children and young people. Through TV, movies, and games, children are being inundated with images of aggression, and are given no message about the actual consequences of it.

http://www.nancycarlssonpaige.org/book-takingbackchildhood.html

Dr. Bruce Perry, a child development expert, has identified "Six Core Strengths" that children need to have in order to be compassionate and humane:

1. Attachment. The capacity to form and maintain healthy emotional bonds. This begins in infancy, and needs to be nurtured by parents and teachers all through childhood. Unfortunately, many things in our society, including our child care and education systems, fail to support attachment in children, and many adults do not know the importance of it.

2. Self-Regulation. Learning to control your feelings, urges, and behaviors. This process takes a long time. Most of us adults would not say we have fully mastered it. Positive discipline methods, rather than punishment, build the brain structures that help children learn to self-regulate. Healthy imaginative play has also been found to be a crucial part of the development of self-regulation. Yet all around us we see schools and families using punitive discipline, which does not help a child learn to make positive choices. Adding insult to injury, pretend play is being replaced by screen-time, so children have fewer opportunities to actively learn and practice self-regulation.

3. Affiliation. Enjoying being part of a group. Again, when children spend long hours in front of a TV or computer instead of playing with peers, they do not experience the warm and wonderful feelings associated with being a part of a group. And when children interact more with machines than with other people, they fail to learn the social skills necessary for satisfying human interactions.

4. Awareness. Thinking of others. Nature designed infants to be egocentric for a purpose: that's the best way to make sure their needs are met so our species can survive. But, as infants grow into young children, the self-absorption should gradually be replaced by an increasing awareness of the feelings, needs, and points of view of others. This de-centering takes a lifetime to achieve, but children who are treated with empathy when they are young will gradually learn to have empathy for others.

5. Tolerance. Accepting and appreciating differences. There are so many factors in our society, starting with the popular media, that undermine this strength. Children are taught from an early age by advertisements, movies, and tv shows, that people should all look and act the way the media portrays them. It takes a lot of effort on the part of wise, caring adults to counteract this powerful message, and to open children's minds to the value of human diversity.

6. Respect. Appreciating your own self-worth and the value of others. When children are treated with respect, they learn to respect others. When children are treated disrespectfully by adults, they learn to treat other people the same way.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3070998

At preschool, we work on these six things every day. It's what preschool is all about. Children are not born aggressive, but without patient and caring role models in the early years, aggressive tendencies can develop. So what about all the kids who somehow miss out on this essential learning when they are very young? Perhaps some of the kids who sent all those emotionally abusive message to Amanda had gaps in their lives where these Six Core Strengths should have been. Perhaps the adults in their lives failed to teach them the important things in life.

Amanda's family and friends have begun an effort to combat bullying in schools as a result of this tragedy. They are working to raise awareness of the problem and to seek solutions. I hope that as a society, our solutions include finding more ways to build strong and caring people from birth. In my opinion, this requires a great nationwide effort at parent education, and improvement in our care and education systems for infants and young children. It's useless to just punish kids who are mean to each other.

Friday, Dec. 11th there will be a candlelight vigil in front of City Hall at 4:00 p.m. to commemorate the one- year anniversary of Amanda's tragic incident, and to help San Jose become more aware and concerned about the problem of bullying. For more information:

http://cambrianparkumc.org/index.php?nid=126504&s=mn

Amanda's attempted suicide is a great tragedy. It's also tragic that millions and millions of infants, children, and teens are growing up in environments bereft of respect and compassion, and are learning to be abusive to themselves and to one another. How can we fix this?

BUT......

2009-11-24T16:05:00.000-08:00

What about "venting?" Does that count as complaining? This has been bugging me since I wrote the previous post.

I'm not sure that good mental health is possible without taking advantage of opportunities to verbally let off steam. This only works if you are venting to a great friend who knows you don't mean most of what you're saying at that moment. And who won't repeat it to anyone. And who won't think any less of you for spouting off. Most of us have a few people in our lives that we can do this with, and I think it's essential to vent to a safe "ventee" now and then. Expressing ourselves and our feelings, even if our expressions are somewhat more extreme than the actual feelings themselves are, can free us to move forward into problem-solving and collaboration, and all those other positive behaviors. Sometimes, until you have had a chance to launch into that tirade to just the right (safe, trusted) person, you're just not ready to play nicely.

So: I hereby declare that venting, when done appropriately, with discretion, and to the right people at the right times, does not count as "complaining." If you're joining me in an effort to avoid complaining from now until Valentine's Day, you are allowed to vent, as long as it doesn't become just an excuse for being negative, or another name for complaining. You'll know the difference.

So: KJ, Josefina, Konne, Jackie, Mom, Marlin, and all my other ventees- you're not off the hook. I still need you. And I'm here for you, too.

Hmmm..... I'm thinking about myself and other grownups as I write this, but I can't help but think about the toddlers in my classes. Don't they need to vent to a safe person too?

NO COMPLAINTS

2009-11-22T15:30:00.000-08:00

Today at church, Pastor Charlotte told us she had made a covenant with other local pastors to avoid complaining for at least ninety days. She told us about AComplaintFreeWorld.com and asked us if we wanted to join her in this quest. Then she passed out purple Complaint-Free bracelets for everyone to wear as reminders. Wow- this is just what I need right now! I enthusiastically raised my hand and accepted the bracelet and the challenge. (And guess what, Honey, since you couldn't be there today, I picked up a purple bracelet for you too! After twenty-nine years of marriage, just let me say, birds of a feather.....)

Complaining is a nice polite word for activities such as whining, criticizing, nagging, and a few others that we all know well. Where does all this negativity come from? And where does it lead?

Yes, I'm a whiner. And worse, upon reflection, I'm realizing that I complain about the same things over and over and over. I complain about little things, big things, silly things, important things, things that do need to be changed, and things that no one could change. I even complain about things that are none of my business. What good is this doing me or anyone else? I know that I don't want to continue adding negativity to the world, and I do pledge to try to improve.

I think complaining stems from a sense of powerlessness. We whine when we feel as if we have too little power in our world, and sometimes this gives us a boost of temporary, negative power, as we gleefully find we have the magical ability to ruin someone else's day. I'm talking about adults now, but you all know that it starts in toddlerhood, and the power dynamics are exactly the same.

When I use most of my energy expressing complaints, I find that I've got little energy left over to work on positive things. And this, I think, is the best reason for wearing this purple bracelet and trying to keep up with Pastor Charlotte in her efforts to become complaint-free.

It doesn't work very well to eliminate a behavior without replacing it with a new, more positive one. Just saying to myself, "Don't complain" wouldn't be very helpful to me unless I think about what I could do instead. So I've spent the afternoon thinking about what I can do instead of all my complaining.

But some things do need to be criticized, and some things do need to be changed. I wouldn't want to stop complaining, if that meant I had to become a person who never thinks about things deeply enough to see the problems. But here are a few things I think could be more effective than complaining:

1. WORKING TO SOLVE PROBLEMS

Think and talk about the issues from a "how might we solve this?" viewpoint, rather than a complaining one.

2. LISTENING TO OTHERS' POINTS OF VIEW

I often need to be reminded to shut up and listen. When I'm complaining, I'm taking up more than my share of air-time.

3. ASKING QUESTIONS

I will learn more and accomplish more when I open up the "curiosity" part of my brain, and learn to ask the right questions.

4. COLLABORATING, AND REALIZING THAT TWO OR MORE HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE

No, I cannot do it all better myself. I've learned over and over that I need the help, ideas, input, and nudging of other people in my life, even when I disagree with them. It's just the control-freak in me that wants to be the lone-wolf sometimes. Come on, Annie, you do NOT know everything. Get over it!

5. THINKING CREATIVELY

Use the creative genius inside for more than home decorating and great curriculum activities. Use it to help accomplish real good in the world, and to help other people.

6. VISUALIZING RESULTS

How can I know where I'm trying to end up, if I can't visualize it?

7. WORKING ON BEING A BETTER COMMUNICATOR

There are many other ways to connect with people and to express myself. I need to discover them and practice them.

8. FEELING AND EXPRESSING GRATITUDE

To me this is the most important thing. For me, when I am in a grateful attitude, it leads me right toward items 1 through 7, above. When I'm being thankful, I have no time left over to complain and I just don't feel like complaining then, anyway. So our choir’s music today was very appropriate: we sang For The Beauty Of The Earth, by John Rutter. It’s always been one of my favorite pieces, but today it meant a little more.

Ok, Charlotte. The challenge is on. Thanks for the kick in the pants. I'm pretty sure that I can be a better teacher, parent, friend, neighbor, and citizen if I work on this. It sure makes me think about what amazing things we could accomplish if large numbers of us work on it together.

Anyone interested in joining me as I try to avoid complaining between now and Valentines Day? I ordered a few more purple bracelets. Let me know if you want one.

http://www.acomplaintfreeworld.org/

I'M NOT OK

2009-11-16T21:53:00.000-08:00

People have always said, "Don't cry" to other people for years and years, and all it has ever meant is,
"I'm too uncomfortable when you show your feelings. Don't cry."
I'd rather have them say,
"Go ahead and cry. I'm here to be with you."
-Fred Rogers

There were a few sad toddlers today during Together Time. That fifteen minutes when mom or dad went next door for the parent discussion seemed like an eternity to some of the children. These one-year-olds are new to a group play experience, and many have not experienced being left by their parent very much yet. Moms and dads at this stage are often not very comfortable with the separation yet either. But they bravely trust us with their precious child, square their shoulders, say goodbye to their little one, and go to the next room for what may seem like the longest fifteen minutes of the whole day. Many of the children are perfectly fine, but it's unpredictable! You just never know how it's going to feel.

Today, this endless separation didn't feel great for several of them. There was quite a bit of crying. Since our class is still rather new, everyone is still getting used to each other and to the routine. The parents whose turn it was to stay in the classroom with me and the children today were very determined to help ease the pain. They tried cuddling, distracting, holding, singing, toys, books, and of course the "big guns," WATER PLAY. (If anything is going to make a toddler feel better it's turning on the hose. If that doesn't help, nothing will!)

The three or so sad children responded in various ways to these attempts to cheer them up. Sometimes the crying slowed down for awhile, and a few times it actually stopped. But what the children really needed was simply to cry. Crying is the best way these young toddlers have to express their very strong feelings. When their parent left for those few minutes, they probably experienced many emotions, such as anger, frustration, fear, sadness, loss, and others. They are not very verbal yet, so they don't have quite as many avenues for expressing themselves. Crying is an important way to get their message across, as well as to bring their feelings to the surface. Crying helps them to cope.

As much as possible, I try to tell toddlers that it's ok to cry, and that if they want me to, I can help them cry or they can sit on my lap while they cry. And I try to remember to tell them that when they are all done crying I'll help them find something to play. They tend to need that reminder that they won't feel this bad forever.

I have learned never to say, "You're OK" to a child who is upset. Obviously, the child is not ok.

Yes, children do need to be reminded once or twice that Mom will come back. And sometimes they need to be reminded briefly about all the fun options available for them at school, so they don't get stuck in their sadness. But over the years I've really learned that there is not short-cut for crying when you're sad. Distracting children away from their feelings isn't the best approach. Experiencing real emotions, and coping with them with the help of loving and supportive adults is the best way for children to mature emotionally.

When I got home from school today, still thinking about all of this, I found that my best friend had sent in the mail a book of quotes from my dear Mr. Rogers. (Thanks Bethy! Perfect timing!) The first page I opened it to was the page with the above quote about letting people cry. What a helpful and gentle reminder for all of us.

At every age, people need to cry, to be sad, to be angry, to be upset, and to be scared. Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is to sit beside them and let them know we care.

AGES AND STAGES

2009-11-15T10:18:00.000-08:00

Whew. As many of my know, I just survived a Big Birthday. The good news is that the mean neighbor across the back fence didn't complain (yet) about all the noise and revelry while friends helped me cope with this birthday. The bad news is that right on schedule, my knee started acting up the day after I turned this new older age. I've never had knee problems before! I'm falling apart!

Oh well. Ages and stages...... we enter new stages and find new challenges all through life. But I have to believe that we gain more than we lose. Well, weight-wise at this age, yes.... but even more so in terms of emotional growth. I've been fussing and worrying and grieving about aging and loss and change for the past year, as I prepared for this milestone. But the better parts of me have been getting ready for it in a smarter way. My inner self is getting ready for a wonderful time in my life.

Now I think I'm ready to be this age, and to enjoy it.

I'm a firm believer in human development theory as a force for good. I think if everyone had a very solid foundation in child development, say in high school, and then if it was reinforced and expanded in college general ed. requirements, the world would be a better place. For example, reading a little bit about the theories of Arnold Gesell we learn that people go through periods of equilibrium and disequilibrium as a normal and expected part of the developmental process. Disequilibrium consists of discomfort and difficulty, but is often very necessary in order for an individual to progress to a new stage of development. Depending on temperament and other factors, disequilibrium is more dramatic for some people than it is for others. We have to go through the storm to get to the sunshine on the other side. And soaking up the sun during the relatively easy stages of life helps prepare and strengthen us for the next developmental storm.

For many years, our preschool has been recommending that parents read the little books about these theories so that they can fully understand what to expect. (Your One Year Old by Louise Bates Ames. Then Your Two Year Old. Your Three Year Old. Etc. The series goes up to age 9, then Your Ten to Fourteen Year Old. You can get these books at libraries, or find them used on Amazon or other places for next to nothing.) These books are published by the nonprofit Gesell Institute and could stand some updating in terms of the examples they use, but the main content is based on solid longitudinal research and will always offer extremely sound advice.

Adults are not immune to disequilibrium. I've been thrashing around in it again for a couple of years, but I think I'm seeing the sun breaking through the clouds now, and I'm looking forward to the next decade with a lot of joy.

I'm so glad I know at least a little bit about this stuff, because it helps me understand myself better. And guess what: when I understand myself better, I'm much less toxic to other people, especially children, while I'm in disequilibrium. I'm still a big pain in the neck sometimes (ask my husband and kids and a few close friends) but I think I'd be worse if I understood less about the process I'm going through.

See why this should be part of our general education curriculum? It's powerful knowledge.

When I go to preschool tomorrow I know that some of the children will be in the process of finding life extremely difficult right now. Others will be very, very happy to be two! The rest will be somewhere in-between. It fascinates me to know that all their parents, like me, have not "arrived," now that they are adults, but are also following their own unique and often difficult developmental path which includes occasional periods of disequilibrium. I hope I can be of at least a little bit of help to them as well as to the children.

But right now I gotta go- I still have some balloons and streamers to clean up, and probably should go take something for this aching knee......

FULL MOON

2009-11-03T22:15:00.000-08:00

As I was driving to the preschool meeting tonight, the moon was at its biggest and most beautiful. Just a month ago, the moon and the light it shed on the earth was shiny and silver, but tonight, this huge Harvest Moon has become the ripe-cheese color it's always supposed to be this time of year. Golden-yellow, and casting a golden glow. Perfect! It's beautiful and peaceful and awe-inspiring.

I think tomorrow I'll read Kitten's First Full Moon to the 2-year-olds! This lovely book by Kevin Henkes is one of a small handful of books that have become my very favorite children's books, especially for toddlers and 2's. I'm picky about kids' books, but even so, sometimes I don't get them "right." A book that I think will be perfect for the children holds no interest for them. Or a book that I think has nothing to offer becomes a class favorite! What do I know, anyway? Kids know what they need and like.

But this one, and a few others are tried and true favorites. It's Kitten's first full moon! He mistakes it for a little bowl of milk-- and looking at it sitting up there in the sky makes him thirsty. Kitten tries everything he can think of to reach that imaginary bowl of milk, to disastrous results. Reminds me a lot of toddlers and their misperceptions and their bold quests.

I think the reason toddlers, 2's, and even preschoolers love this book so much is that Kitten also reminds them of themselves. In Kitten's mistake, they see reflected many of the mistakes that they make in understanding the world. They identify with his strong need to get the milk by any means necessary! And they feel his pain when he ends up wet, cold, tired, lonely, and hungry.

But of course the best part is the happy ending, because we all want to infuse our children with a sense of hope. We want them to know that the world is a hopeful, positive place, where small miracles happen every day. Every time I read this book, it always makes adults AND children happy that the story ends with a kitten who has a full tummy and feels loved.

Take your child outside at bedtime to see this beautiful moon! Maybe even let her stay up a little bit late to enjoy it and watch it move in the sky. It might be her First Full Moon too, at least in her conscious memory. Take a moon-walk in your neighborhood, have a moon-picnic, and then enjoy this lovely story together. But be ready to read it many, many times. Once will never be enough!

(Another day: I'll tell you about my Favorite Children's Book Of All Time, also a Kevin Henkes book.)

MESSAGES

2009-10-20T15:31:00.000-07:00

As James approaches the step-down on the patio, he is eager to practice his new walking skills. He readies himself to balance on one foot, while stepping down the four-inches to the ground. It’s tricky for a 13-month-old, but he’s READY! He’s been working up to this for months! Here goes…… But at the last second, a giant hand scoops down, picks him up, and places him on the lower level. “Watch it, Buddy! You almost fell!”

What did James learn from this? What is the message that came through as a result of the well-intentioned grown-up’s actions? “You’re not capable.” “You’re too little.” “I have to help you.” “Without me, you can’t do very much.” “Taking risks isn’t a good idea.” “Getting hurt is a disaster!”

Jessica felt a wave of sadness when her mom said goodbye and left her on Teacher’s lap. Being two, Jessica’ s preferred way of coping with, and expressing strong emotions is to cry. After ten seconds of loud wailing, Mom bundled Jessica into a big bear hug, and smothered her with kisses, promising not to leave, after all.

This emotional rescue made Jessica happy- sort of. But it also gave her some other, more complicated feelings. She felt a little disappointed that she wasn’t going to get to try to be ok without her mom. She felt a little scared about being able to control a big person like Mom with such a simple action as crying. She felt a little confused because Mom had told her that Teacher could take care of her, but now Mom is giving the message that only MOM can take care of her.

Lots of mixed messages here, and none of them really give Jessica a can-do feeling about herself. Most of it is all tangled up in Mom’s complicated feelings of not wanting Jessica to ever feel any pain or discomfort. But isn’t experiencing reasonable discomfort, and learning that you can cope with it and survive it a big part of life?

We grown-ups often don't take responsibility for some of the confusing and disempowering messages we give children. We're all guilty, because we’re human. Adults have emotional needs too. We want to give our children a sense of being loved and nurtured. We want to make sure they feel safe and secure. Most of all, we want to feel that we are doing everything we can to make them happy and safe.

But maybe if we can learn to think about what messages our actions are conveying to our children, we will sometimes be able to choose better ways to help our children grow.

DON'T TELL ME...

2009-09-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

Don't tell me that young children have a short attention span.

This morning I watched 2 year old Ricky spend between 12 and 15 minutes scooping up water and seashells into a container, and collecting the shells into another bucket. I don't know if I could pay attention to a tedious task like that for 12 minutes. Could you?

Last week, I observed Marshall sweeping every last grain of birdseed off the floor with a little broom and dustpan when it was time to clean up our sensory play.

I also saw Mindy spend at least 5 minutes washing her hands, scrubbing every bit of paint off them when she was finished working at the art table.

Don't tell me that toddlers have no empathy.

This morning I observed Sally, Jose, and Tommy bringing toy after toy to Nakhir when he was sad after his mom left. They didn't give up on him, even when their first few offerings were refused. And sure enough, after awhile, the love and generosity of those two-year-olds did help cheer up Nakhir and he was soon ready to play.

Last week when Allison pinched her finger, two-year-old Michael's face mirrored the distress on her face. It was almost hard to tell which child had the hurt finger-- Michael looked so upset. He offered multiple times to go get her an ice pack, and he stayed near her until she felt better.

When Raymond saw that Azir needed to use the big truck even more than Raymond did, Raymond willingly gave it to Azir and patiently waited for a turn. (Yes, these children are TWO!)

Multiply these little snapshots times a thousand, and you'll see what I see every week, as the teacher of toddlers: the most complex, wonderful, and baffling people on the planet. Just remember that toddlers will always prove you wrong, so forget everything you've ever heard about them. Just enjoy them for who they are. Observe them and learn from them.

We don't need to do a whole lot of direct teaching with young children. A lot of what they need to know is already inside them. When we simply build on the wonderful natural attributes of children, we help them become their best selves.

WHEN YOU'RE READY

2009-09-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

Jason was busy with the trains, and Tyler wanted one of the trains Jason was using. In typical toddler fashion, Tyler simply picked it up and walked away. It makes sense...... from a toddler world view. Naturally, Jason was upset and thus began one of several minor train-table-skirmishes that would occur that day at preschool. I love the trains! Toddlers feel such intense love and ownership for them that this one area of the classroom prompts many opportunities for social learning every day.

I could have responded by solving the problem for the boys. I could have responded by ignoring the situation entirely. Instead I tried using what seems to be the best way to help toddlers learn to get along with one another.

I handed Tyler another (very attractive) train while gently removing "Jason's" train from his grasp. While handing the disputed train back to Jason, I quietly explained that Jason was using it right now but that he would share it with Tyler when he was all done. Then I turned to Jason, and said, "Tyler would like a turn with that train when you're all done, but you can play until you're ready to share. "Please note that I just had to ignore a little bit of fussing during the few seconds it took to accomplish this.

Then I immediately turned my attention to Tyler, and said, "What would you like to play with while you're waiting for your turn?" Then I helped him find some other, very exciting trains and other toys. I gave him my full attention for a minute or two while he got through the discomfort of not getting THE train right now, and soon he was playing happily.

At about that time, Jason magnanimously handed the magical, much-wanted train to Tyler, in a grand gesture of sharing, saying, "Here." I didn't make a big production of this, but simply said (so that both boys heard me,) "Thank you for sharing, Jason."

Joy, pride, and deep learning were the result. Both boys felt good about themselves, and moved a little further in their journey of social learning. They learned a little bit about how to imagine how someone else was feeling, they learned a little bit about waiting, and they learned that it can feel good to share with someone.

The Magic Words are "when you're all done,"and "when you're ready." A child who is using something needs to feel respected, and should not be rushed to finish his play just because another child is interested in using the same toy. It's important to make sure the child feels ownership of the sharing process, and at least temporary ownership of the toy in question. No one can share something they don't feel is theirs to share.

Another key part of the formula is my giving quality attention to the person who is waiting. "What would you like to do while you're waiting for your turn?" are magic words as well. It's not my intention to distract Tyler, so that he will forget about the train that Jason has. I don't believe in distracting toddlers, although sometimes that can be effective. I prefer to allow them to feel difficult emotions, and to be right there with them while they are feeling them. I think that's how emotional growth happens.

Learning to share is gradual. It's really not easy for any of us, at any age. Yet we often expect toddlers to be able to do it beautifully, even though they have just jumped onto this long, long learning curve. All children will share when they are ready.

CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE

2009-09-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

It's so hard to tell where you end, and they begin. Where is the boundary between parent and child? Presumably, there is one, but sometimes it's hard to find it. When you're pregnant, you learn to cope with the mind-boggling sensation of a tiny parasite living inside you (and in my case, sapping most of your physical and mental energy.) You truly ARE one person for those months. There literally is no separation, although at moments during those last few weeks, you really wish you could just have your body back. And then your child is born, and SNIP, doctor or Dad cuts the cord, and you begin the long process of letting go.

If I weren't a toddler teacher, I could just focus on my own parenting. I could reflect on my own journey, and think about how far down that path of letting-go I've finally made it in these twenty-two years. I could realize that my job as a mom is sort of close to "ending," but not really, because it never does. And then I could focus on other, more adult issues, such as, say, the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy. But I get to be immersed in the same struggle every day with my preschool families, and this causes me to look at the world a little differently than I would if I were an accountant, an editor, or a stock broker. I see everything through the lens of ATTACHMENT. I can't help it. It's the only lens I have now, after all these years with toddlers and their parents. And I guess I'm glad that I see the world this way.

The most important thing I've learned is that attachment is real and it's essential. Everyone needs to be the center of someone's universe. Child-parent attachment and its implications have been well-studied and documented, and a strong attachment early in life is widely accepted as being foundational to life-long mental, physical, and emotional health. Ok, good-- so our urgent impulses to protect and nurture are accomplishing what nature intends. Our desire for close connection with our offspring serves a purpose in their development.

BUT: the second most important thing I've learned is that healthy attachment includes a component of de-tachment. The healthiest family relationships are based on the changing needs of the child as the child grows and develops. It's not good to get stuck in one spot and stay there. A newborn needs constant close contact for survival, but a two-year-old really does need a bit of physical and emotional space. Many parents in my programs are struggling with this change: it felt really good to be everything to that child for two years. Even though it's now becoming obvious that it's time to step back a bit and let the child work on a few things on her own, Mom or Dad often are not ready for this step in their own adult development. They don’t know how to re-tool and reconfigure their parent-child roles and relationship. So they hover over the child at school, they remind the child that they are “my baby,” they speak for the child, they speak TO the child instead of letting other adults speak to them, they make excuses for the child's behavior, and they insulate the child from as much frustration as possible. Sometimes, the toddler's developmental mandates will take over, and the will to be his own person will manifest itself in tantrums, fussing, and rebelling.

Fortunately, many parents begin to get the message at this point, and start learning to gradually detach: they stand back physically so that the child can interact with other people on her own, they wait 20 seconds before intervening in a toddler squabble over a toy, they refrain from saying, "he's tired," or "she's getting her molars" to explain the child's fussy behavior, and instead let the child and her behavior speak for itself. When parents are able to adapt and change their connection gradually to meet the changing needs of the child, they reap the benefits of a constantly changing and ever-strenthening bond with their child.

My young-adult daughters still need a close connection and a young-adult form of attachment to their mom, but it doesn't work for them at this stage of development when I try to pull them as close to me as I did when the were little. And frankly, it doesn't work for me, either! As they have grown and found their own path in life, so have I. They want their space, and I do too. It feels good for all of us to be right where we are in our own development, and we greatly enjoy each other's company when we converge our individual paths to spend time together. I can only imagine how frustrating and stressful life might be if we were still trying to be as merged as we were when they were much younger.

In my parenting, letting-go has been a gradual process, and I've had to work hard to figure it out along the way. I've gotten it wrong a lot of times: I've clung too tightly to them many times, and let go too quickly at other times. I'll always get it wrong sometimes, I'm sure. But I cling to the hope that trying hard really does count for something in parenting.

SWEET SORROW

2009-09-17T09:27:00.000-07:00

She just drove away. She's heading back to school for her last year of college. She's happy and excited, and a little bit nervous. She loves school and she's anxious to see her friends.

And here I am, curled up on the couch, crippled by spasms of crying and sadness that come in waves, the way the pain comes in waves after you burn your finger or stub your toe or smash your finger in a door. Missing someone hurts, even before they leave. At this moment, there is no way to separate the physical pain from the emotional pain. I know that both are only momentary, and that in a few minutes I'll get busy cleaning up all the messes she left behind, and happily diving into projects I've been wishing I had time for. I've been looking forward to some me-time.

But first: give me a few minutes to cry.

When moms and dads say goodbye to toddlers at my school, the pain for some of those children and parents is no less intense, even though this separation is only for a couple of hours. It's just one of those things, part of life. Some of us experience it more intensely than others, and at times in our development it can be more intense than at other times. But there is no fixing it, and no rushing it.

I started feeling this "separation anxiety" when I occasionally had to be away from my own mother for a little while when I was very young. I remember feeling as if my arm had been ripped off when I was pulled away from my mom for an hour while she went to the grocery store. I continued feeling it when my daughters were little and we occasionally had difficult goodbyes, and I still experience it very strongly now every time I say goodbye to my daughters or my mother after a visit. Maybe this is why I'm a toddler teacher.

While I've learned that I can't run from the sadness, I've learned that some things can help those waves of pain to pass a bit more easily and quickly:

-Go ahead and feel it, and cry as long and hard as I need to. Holding it in or hiding it hurts more.

(So, I always give "permission" to my toddlers in school to do the same.)

-Talk about it if I can, or express it in some other way, such as through art, music, or writing.

(At school, the children usually need to paint, work with clay or sand, scribble with crayons, dictate a note, build with blocks, or play in water.)

-Fresh air and exercise will make me feel better.

(Kids already know this, and often head outside with no prompting when they are sad.)

-Hugs and comfort from others help a lot.

(That's what teachers are for.)

-When I'm ready, I need to get busy doing something meaningful and interesting.

(At school, I learn what each child loves the most, and I help them head toward their favorite activity when they are ready.)

Ok-- now I've cried and I've written about my feelings. I'm doing a little better. I think I'm ready to go for a walk. Then I think I'll plant some flowers, and after that I'll get busy on all the work that's piled up lately. I'm ready for a good day. Maybe I'll call her later and see if she's all moved into her new room.

I was sad, but I'm all better now.

EXCUSE ME, PLEASE

2009-09-14T15:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at a Town Hall meeting regarding health care reform, here are some behaviors I observed in people in their 40's, 50's, and 60's:

-Loudly interrupting the speaker, repeatedly
-Yelling rudely at other people with whom they disagree
-Name-calling
-Ignoring instructions
-Refusal to listen to others, even those in authority

Today at this year's very first day of preschool, here are some behaviors I observed among the young two year olds:

-G. handed a toy to another child at the water table, saying, "Here. For you." With no prompting.
-K. said "Sorry!" to A. when she accidentally splashed water on him, which momentarily upset him. Again, no adult prompting.
-When two boys both wanted the same book, a brief tugging match ensued. When teacher assisted by saying, "Would you like me to read the book to both of you?" both boys settled in to happily listen to the story together, forgetting their squabble.
-Everyone willingly listened to what the teacher said, and readily complied with the few instructions. They washed their hands, went to the picnic table for snack, and rang bells for Goodbye Time.
-One boy served a new friend a plastic pear at the tea party he had set up in the housekeeping area.
-Four of the toddlers easily negotiated turn-taking with the doll-strollers.
-Several children began learning everyone's names, and using them correctly.
-Everyone seemed happy to be together, even though they don't know each other yet.

What a contrast from my experience at the Town Hall yesterday. It reminds me of why I work with toddlers instead of working in politics. Toddlers are so much more civilized.

LEARNING NOT TO SHARE

2009-09-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

Emily was busy stacking blocks, and seeing how high they could go. This playgroup was a challenging experience for both Emily, and for me, her mom. She was almost two, and her behavior had never been more difficult. So as Brandon approached Emily's block tower, I was on edge, waiting for the tantrum.

Sure enough- as soon as Brandon reached Emily's invisible force field of six feet, the shrieking started. Feeling pressure from the other moms, I thought I needed to "do something." I took some of the blocks and gave them to Brandon, saying, "Emily, we need to share with Brandon." Needless to say, the screaming did not decrease in intensity.

What was learned that day?

Emily learned that sharing is a bad thing. It's a bad word, I don't like sharing, I don't want to share. (It takes awhile to un-learn these things if you have enough of these lessons.)

Maybe Brandon learned that when you want something someone else has, they have to give it to you even if they don't want to. (That can take some serious un-learning too.)

I learned that I am too easily influenced by my perceptions of what other adults are thinking of ME. Because I feared the other moms would think I was a bad mom, I made the mistake of forcing my toddler to do something she was not developmentally ready to do.

When Emily was ready to share, she shared. Today, she is a loving and very social twenty-two year old who spends hours creating hand-made birthday cards and gifts for each of her dozens of best friends. She would give anything she has to anyone who wants or needs it. But when I tried to rush her readiness, I was actually defeating my goals of raising a generous, sharing child.

LEARNING TO SHARE

2009-09-09T14:25:00.000-07:00

Toddlers have a bad reputation for selfishness. But are they really selfish?

Toby is busy playing with a large collection of animals and people. Several children are watching, and because Toby is so absorbed in his play, it really looks like fun! Of course, the other kids want to have fun, too. When Katrina reaches out for a zebra, naturally, Toby reacts with a loud, "NO! Mine!"

Is this being selfish? I don't think so. Toby needed all of those particular toys for the elaborate scenario that was playing out in his head at that moment.

I explained to Katrina that Toby was using those toys, and I mentioned to Toby that he could use them until he was all done, and then he could share them when he was ready. Then I helped Katrina find other things to play with.

A few minutes later, I observed Toby give a deep, contented sigh, and look up from his play. Then he looked over and saw Katrina nearby. I saw an "Aha" look cross Toby's face. He picked up the zebra Katrina had reached for earlier, then walked over and handed it to her. I said, "Thanks for sharing, Toby. It looks like you're all done now." Toby smiled broadly and walked away.

This is the way that sharing is learned. Toddlers are very capable of sharing, as long as they are allowed to feel ownership first. If you don't feel that you own something, it's not yours to share.

DOWN TIME

2009-09-03T13:33:00.000-07:00

"My toddler is cranky, even when we're out doing fun things just for him."

"Why is she so fussy even when we're at a park or playdate?"

"I don't know what else I could be doing to entertain my kids: I take them to the children's museum, parks, hikes, the beach, trips, parties, friends' houses, and all kind of other activities, but they are still whiny most of the time!"

Most of the parents I know want to provide a rich, full life for their young children. So they take them out into the community almost every day to see and do things, and to interact with other children. Parents believe that children who are exposed to a wide variety of experiences will have a head start in terms of academic learning, social skills, and general happiness. And many parents base this belief on the fact that they, themselves, thrive on being out and about. They love going, seeing, and doing, and they want to share these enriching experiences with their children. There is great demand for these activities, so you can find baby gym classes and swim classes, preschool sports camps, infant/parent music classes, and amusement parks geared toward the infant-through-preschool set in almost every community. Surely, all these opportunities for fun and learning lead to happy, well adjusted children, right?

So why do so many parents find that their well-traveled toddlers and preschoolers are still fussy and grumpy, even with all these fun things to do?

Everyone is different. Surprisingly, you may find that your own child is very different from you.

Perhaps you find it energizing and calming to take daily trips to the park, or to attend frequent playgroups with other parents and kids. But perhaps your child is having an experience that is different from yours. Some people, who may be considered to be more extroverted, do thrive on a lot of social interaction. Being around people "re-charges their batteries," and makes them feel happy and alive. Other people are more introverted, and find that even if they are having fun, being around people tends to tire them. Their "batteries" must be re-charged by being alone. Sometimes it's hard for parents to understand that their children's feelings and experiences may be very different from their own, and extroverted, energetic parents assume that their children need as much stimulation as they do. A toddler isn't capable of expressing his need for alone-time. But he will make his feelings obvious by his behaviors. A whiny, cranky child may be a child who is in need of more solitude.

All children, even those more on the "extroverted" end of the spectrum, need some down-time to play alone, think, observe, do nothing, and just BE. This is when the most intense brain development is actually taking place, because the child is having time to reflect and construct his own knowledge. It's important to realize, however, that TV, movies, computer games, and other electronic media-based activities do not count as "alone time." These activities do not actually provide the emotional or cognitive benefits that children need, even though they may beg parents for them. (More about that at another time.)

"But when I try to have a stay-at-home day with my toddler, she whines at me all day! She wants to go out. She gets bored."

In my experience, children who have been trained to expect the constant stimulation of trips and activities (or electronic entertainment) sometimes have to adjust to the idea of entertaining themselves at home. It may take a day or two of practice before they can settle in and begin spending long periods of time playing with their toys or puttering around their own back yard. But once children have the opportunity to experience some healthy down-time, parents often tell me that the child seems much happier and cooperative. I think they feel that they have breathing room now-- space in their heads for their own thoughts.

Finding the right balance between down-time and activity isn't always easy, especially when family members' needs are quite different from each other. But it's an important goal, and it can be achieved when parents are tuned in to their children's behavioral cues and are creative about making sure everyone's needs are met, including their own.

Later, we'll talk about some of the simple things that toddlers like to do at home when they are given time to slow down and set their own schedule. Childhood is very short! Rushing from one activity to another is not always the best way to enjoy the special gift of childhood.

Down-time is learning time!

GUILT

2009-08-28T16:25:00.001-07:00

My kid's sad..... I feel guilty I couldn't somehow prevent this unhappiness.

My kid's happy.... I feel guilty I'm not able to stop what I'm doing to enjoy it more, to be "in the moment."

My kid spends a lot of time reading books........ I feel guilty I'm not encouraging more outdoor play.

My kid is running around outside from morning to night....... I feel guilty I'm not making sure we are reading more.

I have a close relationship with my child......... I feel guilty that maybe I'm "babying her."

My child is very independent........ I feel guilty that somehow I may have caused "attachment problems."

I think I'm seeing a pattern here: no matter what happens, I will feel guilty. What's the deal? Did this come with the parenting package? Or is being guilt-ridden just a part of my flawed psyche, something else I should feel guilty about?

When I was a younger mom I believed, deep down to my bones, that if I wasn't feeling deeply responsible for all aspects of my child's life, I just wasn't doing my job. And of course, that had to lead to guilt. Who can be everywhere, know everything, and always cover all the bases? I truly thought I could, and should be able to do all that, but I always seemed to come up short.

Because, guess what: I'm human. My unfortunate children did not have a supernatural being for a mom, poor little things.

I did not always know what they wanted for breakfast and I could not always avoid being one minute late picking them up from Kindergarten. Additionally, I could not always hide my feelings of fatigue and irritation, nor could I always creatively solve all of their problems or improve their moods for them. The birthday parties I planned for my children were not, unfortunately, the cutest and and most fun parties on the block.

By my own standards, I was often a failure.

The thing is, my standards and my feelings of accomplishment or failure had very little to do with meeting my children's actual needs. You guessed it: it was all about me.

Guilt is a selfish emotion. It focuses us inward, and forces us to ignore those around us. While we are involved in the egocentric frenzy of gnashing our teeth over allowing our child to forget their homework, we are ignoring the more important event: the "teachable moment" that our child could be experiencing, if we were available to help just a little. When we are wallowing in guilt because we were unable to prevent our toddler from a little boo-boo, we are elevating our own needs above the needs that the child has for a little comfort, a bandaid, and a hug. And often, our guilt makes the child feel even worse because they read the distress on our face, and through the psycho-social phenomenon call "social referencing" they think they should be very upset, just because we are.

It's easier to be a mom if you have less of these "guilt genes." But since my culture, upbringing, and temperament have predisposed me to guilt, I have learned that the best thing I can do for myself and my kids is to be aware of it. I am finally learning to notice when I am laying a guilt trip on myself, and I am usually able to force myself to look at things a little more rationally. Then I can relax and be more authentic and more available to my children, which is ultimately what I want for all of us.

Now if I could just stop feeling guilty about feeling guilty.

I'M BIG, I'M SMALL

2009-08-05T20:48:00.000-07:00

I remember feeling little. I was only two or three, but I didn't like that feeling of needing to grow into my skin. This feeling always seemed to have a lot to do with the way other people were making me feel about myself.

For example I recall feeling small when I said something that was serious to me, but the big people laughed because it was "cute."

I remember feeling small when I tried to do something challenging- carry a heavy bucket of sand- but failed, and the people around me laughed.

I felt small and insignificant when I was thrilled about a brand-new accomplishment- I climbed to the top of the fence!- but the grownups scolded me for climbing.

I felt little when my emotions suddenly overcame my bravery, and I cried for my mother, and the teacher told me not to be "a baby."

I felt way too small when I wanted to be a Big Girl and do something new for myself- walk next door to my friend's- and the grownups laughed and said I was too little.

Now that I am an adult, with personal power, autonomy, and a voice of my own, I realize that children are very often belittled by well-meaning adults.

It's one thing to enjoy them while they are little, but it's another thing entirely to make them feel small.

WHO ARE YOU?

2009-08-04T13:57:00.000-07:00

The little boy is always very happy sitting and playing with his trucks and toys. Even though he is only two, sometimes he will concentrate on his play for forty-five minutes at a time. Sometimes he likes to lie on the floor with a toy in his hand, talking quietly to himself. His mother finds herself frustrated and impatient with his inactivity, and worried about his health. She is very active, and values exercise. She wants her son to be healthy and fit. She had looked forward to having a child to play soccer and other sports with, but when she tries to engage him in physical activity, he usually shies away and heads back to his toys.

The toddler enjoys familiar places the most. When she is taken to new places, she is uncomfortable, and it takes her quite awhile for her to settle in to her new surroundings. Her parents find this difficult, because they like to take their family to lots of new places and they want to expose her to many new adventures. But she is so unhappy during these outings that her fussing makes it unpleasant for everyone.

The father is worried because his young son seems to have few friends. The toddler likes to play with only one other child, and hasn't yet formed friendships with anyone else, even though the parents have taken the him to playgroups since he was an infant. This dad finds that his many friendships are one of the most important parts of his life. He wants his children to find the joy in friendship that has been so important to him. He is worried that his son will not have very many friends and will be lonely.

Sometimes the little girl is downright "difficult." This is ok at home, but when the child expresses her strong opinions when other people are around, her mother gets very uncomfortable. She was raised to believe that it's important to fit in with others, and to put others' needs ahead of your own. She wants her daughter to have good social skills so that she will have friends, and be accepted. She worries that other children, as well as adults, will find this strong-willed child unlikeable. But she doesn't know what to do about it: her daughter simply has very intense feelings and expresses them very loudly!

In each of these families, the parents want the best for their children, but are worried because the child does not seem to be what the parents expected. They all wonder if there is something more they could or should be doing about it: can they somehow "make" their child more active, more adaptable, more social, or more calm?

Do these parents' struggles mirror anything that you have been through as a parent? Before their first child is born, most parents have ideas of what parenthood will be like, what their child "should" be like, and what their values are as a family. This is all normal and natural. The only problem is, eventually the child comes along and shows us that all these ideas just don't seem to apply anymore!

Every child is unique, and we have limited power to mold them into something that they are not. An low-activity person, such as the first toddler described above, cannot be shaped into a highly active child at the parent's insistence. And all the wishes and willpower in the world will not make a slow-to-adapt child "hurry up" and get used to a new environment more quickly.

Children are who they are. As you slowly get to know them over the first three years of your lives together, you may or may not recognize them as being similar to you. But whether they share many temperament traits with either parent or not, they are going to be themselves, no matter what.

We parents waste quite a lot of relationship-energy on trying to "change" our kids. We would be better off using all that energy to observe and learn about our kids as they are. And then we could offer the best of ourselves to them, offer them experiences and opportunities that both challenge them and match their strengths, and most of all, accept them for the unique and irreplaceable person that they are.

We can't change our children, but face it: our children change us.

SAY ANYTHING

2009-08-02T10:10:00.000-07:00

"Awesome!"

"I LOVE it!"

"This is the best picture I've ever seen!"

"You're the best artist in the class!"

"You're amazing!"

"You worked hard on this for a very long time!"

"I noticed that you used red paint in one hand and yellow paint in another hand, and painted with both at the same time. And in the middle, I saw that the red and the yellow mixed together to make a new color!"

"When you were drawing, you looked like you were thinking very hard, and then when you were finished, you looked very happy!"

"What can you tell me about your picture? I'd like to hear all about it."

"You used two pairs of scissors at the same time when you were cutting that paper! That seems like an interesting idea. How did that feel?"

"I can see a lot of colors and a lot of shapes in this picture."

"You had a smile on your face the whole time you were drawing this picture. Can you tell me what you were thinking and feeling?"

Which type of comment gives a toddler more information about themselves and their skills?

When parents and teachers are busy and distracted, we offer the first type: "Awesome!" Even though they gush enthusiasm, these comments require no thought at all. We can make these statements without any observation or personal engagement with the child. It's easy. It's also useless. What can a toddler learn about their emerging identity and blossoming skills from "Amazing!"? Especially when every child in the class gets the same comment from Teacher, or when Mom always says every picture I paint is "Awesome!"?

When adults take time to be truly engaged, and to observe children's creative process in detail, we can provide them with information that will assist them in their development. When we tell them that we noticed they worked hard on the project, they learn that they are a person who can stick to a task. When we point out unique ways that they use tools, they learn that they are a person with creative ideas. When we ask them open-ended questions about their work, it teaches them that their ideas are of value to others. Gradually, these respectful interactions can accumulate in a child's experience, and result in positive self-esteem, as well as creative and critical thinking skills. And think about the higher-level language skills that are being modeled, as well!

Like most other positive parenting/teaching skills, offering genuine feedback to children takes practice. Maybe thinking of it this way will help: if an adult friend asked you for feedback on a project that was important to them, you wouldn't say "It's terrific!" without even thinking, would you? You would take the time to really look at the work and give genuinely helpful feedback. It's simply the respectful thing to do. Children deserve at least this much effort from us.

Let's take the time to be engaged with our children's creative work, and give them the genuine and respectful feedback they need.

CRIMES AGAINST NATURE

2009-08-01T09:59:00.000-07:00

We're walking in the redwood forest... ancient trees are swaying lightly as the breeze stirs the lowest branches. The sunlight filters down through the high canopy and creates an ever-changing mosaic of light on the pathway. The only sounds are the songs of birds, the chattering of chipmunks, the scolding of jays, and the whisper of the wind. These trees are fifteen feet in diameter and a thousand years old! This is a sacred and beautiful place and it feels wonderful to be here. "There are so many things to see, hear, feel, and experience here," I'm thinking as I walk along.

And then.

Along comes a young mother with her baby in a stroller. The baby's eyes are glued to a portable video player in the stroller, and the baby is watching the movie "Shrek." On the tiny video screen I could glimpse images of cartoon trees and animals in a pretend forest. The baby was seeing, hearing, and experiencing nothing in the real world around her. I wanted to scream, I wanted to shake that misguided young mom, I wanted to throw that video player in the creek! But of course I didn't do anything. I just cried later as I told my husband about it, and I ranted about this incident to my college students and parenting classes for the rest of the year.

This seems like a very obvious Crime Against Natural Childhood. But think. What kinds of things did I do when my kids were little that may have been similar "crimes," although not as egregious? What kinds of crimes do you commit? Video player in the minivan? So many of us are willing to sacrifice our children's learning for a little peace and quiet while in the car. TV or videos late in the afternoon because "we're all tired?" Why wouldn't simple water play in the back yard provide a more relaxing and productive remedy for exhaustion and still allow you to get your chores done? The trip to Disneyland might be better spent at the beach. The kids would really rather just play in the sand anyway, wouldn't they? Planting seeds in cups and watching them grow with your toddler and his friend might be a better learning experience than signing up for another "enrichment" class.

Nature is the best playmate, the best teacher and the best playground. We just need to put away our gadgets and be ready to play.

Empowering Problems

2009-07-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

Crash! The tower of blocks falls over, and the toddler screams in frustration. At this point Mom, Dad, or Teacher has several options for how to respond:

1. Do or say nothing.

2. Be sympathetic, try to console the child. "Don't cry. It's ok."

3. Distract the child. "Come on! Let's go play with the bubbles!"

4. Fix the problem. "Here- let me build it back up for you."

5. Look for ways to empower the child to solve the problem herself. "I wonder why it fell down. Can you figure out how to build it better? I'll watch you work on it."

Which of these methods will result in the most positive long-term outcomes?

I think most of us would agree that number 5 would be more likely to result in the child developing life-long problem-solving skills, and feelings of self-confidence. This is especially true if this type of scenario is repeated many times every day. (And with young children, aren't there always zillions of problems to solve?)

But ask yourself: Which method do you most often use? Why?

It does not necessarily come naturally to all adults to use empowering language with children. For many of us, it is a bit of a "foreign language" which must be learned and rehearsed. Many of us fall very easily and naturally into responding with numbers 1 through 4, especially if we were raised that way ourselves.

Try practicing a little. Experiment by very deliberately using empowering language with a child in one or two situations, and see how it feels. You may find that the pay-off in increased self-esteem for both you and the child is well worth the effort.

Perfect Imperfection

2009-07-29T19:30:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard? Why is parenting so exhausting and frustrating sometimes? Especially when it's one of those days? Or one of those weeks.... No naps, no cooperation, lots of whining and problems, nothing goes well, everything is just.... hard.

Sometimes there is no way to explain the difficulty. It just is. Too bad we can't just accept that, and live with it. If we could, it would eventually get easier again for awhile, and life would move forward. Instead, we tend to focus on the negative, and stay in the bad place longer than we have to, and wallow in blame. We blame ourselves for being bad parents. We blame our kids for spoiled and demanding, our partners for not being helpful enough. But blame doesn't help anyone.

But looking back over the years at my own parenting struggles, I think the main thing that made it hard at times was my own unrealistic expectations for my kids and for myself. I wanted them to be a certain way, a certain thing. I wanted myself to be a certain type of parent. I wanted us to be a particular type of family, and I wanted us to achieve an unrealistic level of perfection. Well, needless to say, we never made it. And most of the time that I spent focusing on those crazy goals was not only wasted, but was responsible for creating an unhappy atmosphere in our family and anxiety within myself. I see now that my desires for some sort of unattainable perfection were all based on trying to please or impress other people, and had nothing to do with meeting the needs of my children or myself. Of course I had no idea of this at the time.

I'm thinking that if I were to raise my kids all over again I would want to try to just let them be. Just let them be who they are, and do what they need to do. I would also try to offer myself the same courtesies: allow myself to be un-impressive. Make "who cares" my motto. Try to make enjoying my kids my daily goal. What a difference that would have made in the level of my stress as a young mom 20 years ago!

Learning from Living

2009-07-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

Flowers and Petunia. They were tiny baby skunks, barely old enough to have their eyes opened. Dad found them by the pond, abandoned by their mother. They became "ours" for awhile. We fed them and loved them, and I think we even dressed them in doll clothes once or twice. I was only three, but I still remember vividly the sweet skunky smell of them, and the way they cuddled against my chest. I never did understand what people have against skunks. I think most people have just never known one personally.

There was a long parade of animals in my childhood, both wild and tame. Each one of them taught me many fascinating and important things.

I learned that you can have Dog School with a group of dogs, if the grownups leave you alone, and if you are patient.

I learned that chickens grow faster than anything else: one day they are sweet and soft, and the next day they are big and scary and attacking my feet.

I learned that some rabbits prefer to stay in the hutch, but that some rabbits will let you walk them on a leash.

Baby possums look exactly like grown up possums, except they are smaller. They smell differently from baby skunks, but are almost as cuddly.

Baby mice and baby birds prefer to be left alone as much as possible: there is such a thing as too much love.

Sometimes a goose just has to be free.

Raccoons will play with anything. The young raccoon that stole all our hearts one year always washed dog food in the water dish until it dissolved, and helped Dad work on the car engine by sticking his paws into every nook and cranny, examining every bolt and screw. Dad cried a little when it was time to take him back out to the country to let him live his life in the wild.

The summer that I raised my baby goat, Cottonwood, he followed me all over our small town, loping to keep up with me, bleating my name, "Aaaannnnie...." The neighbors embarrassed me when they would sing, "Annie has a little goat, little goat, little goat..."

The day we brought the new puppy home from the kennel, I won the fight with my brother about who got to hold her in the car for the thirty minute drive home. By the time we got home, my dog and I had permanently bonded, and she was my best friend for nearly two decades.

When our grumpy cat had kittens in the front seat of the car, we all discovered her and her new family when we were on our way to swimming lessons. We still talk about the big happy smile she gave us as she showed off her beautiful litter. This cat never was a bundle of joy, but we loved her. For the remaining 16 years of her life, we fondly remembered the joyful kittens-in-the-car day, and we often wondered if she would ever smile at us again. She didn't, but she seemed content enough.

When children are not exposed to non-human living things, how to they learn the important lessons of life? Computer games and videos can't hard-wire a brain to appreciate the nuances of empathy the way that caring for another living being can. Enrichment classes and organized sports may not prepare a person to discern the minute differences between individuals, the way raising a batch of identical baby chicks or bunnies will do. Reading the best descriptive and well-illustrated books in the world cannot give a child the vivid sensory input that my baby skunks gave me.

Most children do not have access to skunks, possums, raccoons, and goats on a daily basis. But what about bugs, snails and worms? They make wonderful temporary pets and provide amazing lessons in science and in life. Another one of my favorite pets from childhood was a little bug I named Joe. I had him in a shoe box for a day or two. I cared for him, observed him, learned from him, and offered him his freedom. Would I remember Joe for all these years if his presence in my life hadn't been important and instructive? He, and all the other animals in my life taught me that everyone is different, that each individual is remarkable.

2009-07-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

"Would you like to walk by yourself, or do you want me to help you?"

If I am a toddler, this in an intriguing choice. It gives me the power to choose, and the comfort of knowing that the big person will help me if I prefer. Sometimes I just don't want to walk by myself, and sometimes i really, really really do. But I know what I want, so it's an easy decision, even if I am very young. If Mom, Dad, or Teacher has truly offered only choices that are perfectly ok with them, everyone is getting what they want and need.

Within seconds, the child, the whole situation, is un-stuck. We're now on our way to bed, to the car, to wash our hands, wherever it was we were going when we decided to veer of course.

Choices.

Simple. Easy. Effective. Respectful.